Friday, March 11, 2011

Have I always been submissive?

This writing is a bit of catharsis to me...

A recent chat with a Miss Lilly, author of a newer blog called I Lead Him, led to the question if I have always been submissive towards women/girls.

Reflecting upon my past interactions with women, especially during my high school years, has taken on a bit of different perspective now than it has since i last thought about it.

During my mid to late teen years the majority of my closest friends were girls.  It was probably a 60/40 split.  Back then I was seen as a "good guy," and I had a fairly large social circle since I frequently had parties, could always make everyone laugh, played in bands, and used/abused drugs and alcohol.  I was someone that people would talk to about their problems since I was a good listener and was able to give objective and insightful advice to what was going on.  I was also able to find their good qualities and help build up their self-esteem.

I always made myself available to anyone and when the chips were down, people knew they could count on me to be there for them.  Unfortunately this often opened me up to being used or taken advantage of by some people.  At other times, people would treat me like their best friend when things were going bad but then never make time for me when things were going good.  I call this being a "foul weather friend."  This seemed to be most common with my women friends.  I often felt like I was the shoulder to cry on between boyfriends.

At the time I was firmly convinced that I was just being a good guy... good friend, etc. and I was being taken advantage of.  Now that I look back on things I know I wasn't as good of a guy as I thought I was but that path led me to my life as a submissive.

I was painfully single for most of high school and much of college.  I know deep down I craved nothing more than to be loved and as Rob in the movie High Fidelity said "Only people of a certain disposition are frightened of being alone for the rest of their lives at the age of 26, and we were of that disposition."  Unfortunately that disposition for me had set in at around age 14. No one my age seemed to find me attractive (although women twice my age and for some reason, effeminate gay males, seemed to like me).   

I think much of why I was the way that I was... willing to go out of my way for others... was fear of loneliness.  I wanted to be someone that other people wanted in their lives.  I wanted to be someone that a woman wanted to love.  That's not to say the behavior was forced... it was quite genuine at the time: it's who I wanted to be as a person.  When I look back, somewhere down the line I must have started projecting that I was that guy who would be there for anyone at any time.  Sure, there were people that took advantage of me but at the same time, I realize now how much I needed them.  I'm sort of glad that I had them in my life for even a brief period even if it meant I was going to feel betrayed later.

This was especially painful with my women friends.  Back then I made a philosophical pact with myself to never fall for a woman simply based upon physical attractiveness.  I didn't want to be shallow or superficial since I didn't want to be judged for shallow or superficial reasons.  I decided to not fall for a woman until I got to know her pretty well and enjoyed who she was deep down.  This made me aspire to be someone that was caring, nurturing, courteous, polite, and reliable.  I wanted them to see me deep down and want to be with me because of that.  Unfortunately this led to several awkward times where I fell for women friends.  In those cases it was sort of like I was the guy in the Onion's article:  But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them

The women that used me when they needed me, was it really so one-sided?  When I look back at it now I think I still needed them just as much.  I needed them for the hope that I could be loved, either by one of them or they would talk me up so highly to one of their friends that the friend would be interested in me.  I was pretty fucking desperate back then, but does that mean I was a bad person?  It doesn't really matter really but as I thought through this a lot of the pain I had been carrying since I was younger has seemed to ease up quite a bit.

As I went through this I realized that this is really what set in motion my trip towards being a submissive.  To do whatever it takes to please her, to make her smile, to make her feel good, to make her feel loved.  As the years progressed my ideals grew beyond the emotional aspects of the relationship.  To please her sexually, to give her ultimate bliss, to do whatever it took to satisfy her needs. 

I became someone that was willing to sacrifice everything about myself for love.  To feel loved was (and is) my one true need.  

I'm not sure if that's where my arousal towards feeling used/replaceable stems from, but it makes sense that way.  That's the role I ended up having to many of the women I was attracted to during my teens.  Is that why it has become something that turns me on?  I'm not sure.

What I can say is that it looks like I trained myself to be a submissive.

I'm copying/pasting that onion article here as it's pretty funny and pretty much exemplifies the power that women can wield over men.

But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them

By Kimberly Pruitt
June 9, 2009 | ISSUE 45•24

I really like you. I do. You're so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I don't really see a relationship in our future. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don't you think?

I knew you would understand. You always do.

We're so perfect as friends, you know? I can tell you anything, and you know you can always come to me anytime you need to hear me bitch about work or how ugly I feel. You wouldn't want to ruin a friendship like that just so you could be my boyfriend, and have me look at you with desire and longing in my eyes, if only once—would you? Of course not. Well, if we started dating, it would only complicate this wonderful setup I've got going here.

It's just…you're like my best friend, and I would hate for something you desperately want to change that. I mean, sure, we could go on some dates, maybe mess around a little and finally validate the six years you've spent languishing in this platonic nightmare, but then what? How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? That part of our friendship means so much to me.

No. We are just destined to be really, really good friends who only hang out when I don't have a boyfriend, but still need male attention to boost my fragile and all-consuming ego.

Anything can happen once you bring romance in. Think about how awful my last relationship was at the end, remember? The guy I'd call you crying about at 3 a.m. because he wouldn't answer my texts? The guy I met at the birthday party you threw me? I had insanely passionate sex with him for four months and now we don't even talk anymore. God, I would die if something like that happened to us.

Plus, ick, can you even imagine getting naked in front of each other? I've known you so long, you're more like a brother that I've drunkenly made out with twice and never mentioned again. It'd be way too weird. And if we did, then whenever you'd come shopping with me, or go to one of my performances or charity events, or take me for ice cream when I've had a bad day at work, you'd be looking at me like, "I've seen her breasts." God, I can't think of anything more awkward that that.

Oh, before I forget, my mom says hi.

Anyway, you would totally hate me as your girlfriend. I'd be all needy and dramatic and slowly growing to love you. If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other asshole guys I date and pretend I don't see how much it crushes you. Let's never lose that. That's what makes us us.

Don't worry. You're so funny and smart and amazing, any girl but me would be lucky to date you. You'll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I'll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won't believe it when you say we're just friends. But when she dumps you, that's just what we'll be.


  1. That's a lovely piece! It chimes a little with me too.

    I suspect that when looking at kinky roles, it helps to look at what they free you from. The romantic choices you made could be read as avoiding having a relationship. Feeling used and replacable gives you the relationship, without the responsibility for it...

  2. Thanks for asking, but you can say it was me. Interesting chat.

  3. Thank you, Miss Lilly. I have modified the post.

    Giles, I know in my case back then I so desperately wanted a relationship. The problem was (and always seems to be) is that when you're desperate no one wants a relationship with you but when you have a relationship everyone wants a relationship with you (pheromones maybe?).

    It was odd back then. Women 10-40 years older than me were often attracted to me but I had very little luck with women my own age.

  4. But if you were so desperate, why was your romantic decision making so poor?

  5. That's a very good question, Giles.

    I know back then I used to over-analyze and second guess my feelings/instincts because they had failed me pretty badly.

    I can't really trace it to any one thing but I can definitely link it to a series of events that assisted in my failures.

    -When I was in Jr High my school district lost a multi-million dollar sexual harassment lawsuit. Part of the settlement required "increased sexual harassment awareness" policies and stricter rules governing those. Basically, flirting, public displays of affection, sexual jokes, etc. became punishable by suspension (with 3rd offense being expulsion). It didn't even have to be the parties directly involved to qualify. e.g. if a guy was flirting with a girl and touched her butt the girl could report it or someone who saw it happen could "be offended" by witnessing it and report it. If a guy told a girl she was pretty, if she didn't like him she could report him for sexual harassment and he would end up suspended.

    There were about 4 year's worth of students that ended up going through their early teen years like deer in headlights... it just so happens that my class was one of those classes. Basically I never learned to flirt nor give compliments and it wasn't until ~10th grade or so that those previous policies were relaxed a bit.

    -In addition to the lawsuit fallout I was trapped a bit by my principles and philosophies. I never wanted to give empty compliments nor have anything I said be interpreted as pillow-talk. This might seem a bit ass-backwards but somehow it made sense in my head at that time. I might say things like "I think you are a terrific person" or "I'm happy whenever I'm around you," but I never felt comfortable saying something like "I think you're sexy" because I didn't want someone to think I was just out for pussy. In other words, while I was very good at building up someone's self-esteem as a friend, I wasn't able to make women feel physically attractive and that's often a large part of their psyche.

    -I had very low self-esteem. If someone was attracted to me I wouldn't notice it since I didn't believe anyone would be attracted to me. If I was attracted to someone I would want them to see the "real me" and get to know them well. In most cases I couldn't read their feelings for me and I seemed to try to advance things when they weren't attracted to me and I didn't advance things in a few cases where they really were attracted to me. They took my lack of action as a sign that I didn't have feelings for them.

    -I had too many female friends. With my role as the shoulder to cry on I found out what not to be as a guy. The problem was that I focused too much on becoming someone that would be an ideal spouse/long-term partner and not enough on someone that could sweep a woman off her feet.

    -I didn't focus enough on my physical appearance. I've always been on the chubbier side of things although I'm also of an extremely muscular build. My body type is one that can build muscle mass very easily but I have a VERY difficult time losing fat. I also suffered a couple of crippling sports injuries that prevented me from doing a lot of types of aerobic exercises. There were certain things I couldn't change, like being short, but I definitely could have dressed differently, had a different haircut, etc. and done a lot better in this aspect of things.

    -I was a minority in a 2000-student high school that was less than 1% minority students. I can't say for certain how much of a difference this made but I know it did make a difference.

    All in all, I usually couldn't tell when someone was interested in me, I sometimes couldn't tell when someone wasn't interested in me, and there's a lot of things about myself that I could have done better.

  6. Fascinating! I wonder whether the whole harassment/date rape scare is one of the reasons for the eroticisation of chastity belts?

    Similar thoughts here:

  7. I'm not quite sure but it definitely works as a precursor leading up to chastity in stories on both an individual or large scale.