Downs and Ups, Ups and Downs (Part 1)

I know I'm supposed to be on break, but I'm doing a better job of finding balance.  I don't crave the internet when I'm not on it, I'm not seeking approval or human contact through cyberspace, and the like.

Last week had a few terrible things happen.  Mistress sent me an email during the day while I was at work asking me how I was doing.  I think she finally noticed that we had drifted quite a ways apart since Christmas and it looked like we were going to reconnect.  I had a very stressful day at work that day and when I got home I wanted to unwind a bit first and we planned to watch a movie at 8:15pm in our bedroom (I got home around 7:10pm).  We had some tentative plans in the works for the weekend and I had to make a call about that to nail things down.

She came upstairs at 7:55pm while I was finishing up a video game.  I finished at 8:01pm and had fully decompressed and told her I was going to make the call about our weekend plans and take care of something quickly and it would be about 5 more minutes and we could start the movie.  Roughly 3.5 minutes later, she came downstairs, I told her quietly that I would be done in a minute and we could start the movie.  She then went and sat down in the living room, said to me "do whatever" and waved her palm at me.  At this point I realized she had shut down on me emotionally, had no plans to watch the movie with me anymore, and the rest of the night was going to be bad at best.  I stayed on the phone for another 30 minutes before going down and trying to talk to her only to have her continuously tell me that nothing was wrong.  A fight ensued... a bad one.

If you aren't familiar with BPD, I will describe how the thought process went on this one.  By still being on the phone when she came downstairs I had already made the decision that talking on the phone was more important than she was and she was already defensive in a state as if I had said to her "I would rather talk on the phone than be with you."  Also, once she decided to react in that way, there was nothing that could be said or done to clarify that this wasn't the case and it was now unforgivable in her eyes. 

When she started ripping me my first instinct was to get defensive.  I got angry and was hurt.  I was frustrated that it was beyond the point of no return and couldn't be talked about or clarified.  I took a breather and returned to the room with full honesty and full vulnerability.  I told her that I was sorry that she felt I was hurting her intentionally by being on the phone, that I missed her and loved her, that I was feeling so weak and down emotionally that I needed her to be close to me.

She scoffed at me and started tearing into me, bringing up every part of my personality that she dislikes.  When I told her that what she was saying was making me feel worthless she went off on me harder, saying that it's my own fault for feeling that way and pathetic and then added "Don't cry you fucking baby or it'll piss me off." 

I don't know why but I still tried to fix the situation.  As things went on her son came downstairs and I told him to go back upstairs when she chewed me out that he just wanted to say goodnight to her before she left for work.  He went up but stayed near the top of the stairs.  She continued the barrage of verbal abuse until I finally shouted "why are you doing this?  Do you even love me?"  More abuse.  I finally just lost it... grabbed my hair and started bawling.  This set her off something fierce.  She shouted at me saying I was trying to be emotionally manipulative.  She shouted that I was a fucker for not getting help with my depression and that this was my fault.  She then came at me and started punching me.  I didn't defend myself, I just managed to sob out, "why are you doing this? Why are you hitting me?"

She stopped punching me, took a step back and started taunting me.  "What are you gonna do?  You gonna call the cops?  Gonna press charges?  I dare you.  You gonna call your mommy?  Fucking baby."  At this point I was a total wreck.  My thoughts were a mess. 

I stood up but had calmed down.  I was still crying but I started asking "where is the person I love?  Where is the you that has feelings?  Where is the woman that gets choked up to hallmark card commercials and teary eyed when she sees a dog toy when you remember your dog?"  This managed to disarm the situation.  She stared to cry and hugged me.  We said we loved each other and she left for work.  Later on she texted me an apology.

(continued in part 2)