Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Why do I blog?

I had a few reasons for starting this blog:

1.  The unstable environment of my relationship played a part as I had to search elsewhere to explore my D/s related feelings.  I had often done this via forums, but most of the forums I used to browse either went defunct or became so narrow in their focus that they became unpleasant.

2.  I am someone that needs to communicate my feelings in order to make sense of them.  In my vanilla life I am someone that "talks things out" and am able to figure them out through dialoguing with others and getting feedback.  When it comes to this part of my life, it's not something I have anyone I can talk to about it so I decided to write for therapeutic reasons.  If you have read a lot of my blog, you'll know that sometimes I would just ask a question or explore a feeling or idea and try to dissect it from various points of view until it made sense to me.  In turn, blog comments provided feedback to which I could further clarify my thoughts.

I had a lot of things to get off my chest and try to make sense of about myself.  It took me years to accept myself as a submissive and many more years to come to terms with the darker/stranger aspects of my submission.  There are still some other parts that I'm not comfortable accepting about myself.

3.  I had hoped for some interaction with others of a similar mindset that I could relate to. I am a natural teacher and I try to impart whatever wisdom I can onto those looking to tread a similar path so that they can avoid the pitfalls that I have had to work through or overcome. 

Looking back now, I have succeeded at some of those aspects but failed with others:

R1.  I think I have been able to channel my D/s feelings through this blog.  I still carry hopes that my own relationship will heal and continue to grow.  I am still terrified that it's dead in the water.  This has been a better outlet for me than pretty much all other internet outlets I have come across.  For this I will say it has been a success.

R2.  This has worked in many ways.  A lot of my thoughts and feelings have been sorted through.  Some emotional healing has been done.  Some emotional healing still needs to be done.  Writing has been cathartic and therapeutic, painful, and sometimes fun.

R3.  This is a bit more of a mixed bag.  Being consistent with my experiences on the internet, most subs have ignored me for some reason or another.  I have met a couple of subs since I started drawing that have shared similar fetish feelings but most aren't interested in covering other D/s topics.  I'm not sure why, but both on forums and in the blog world I seem to mainly interact with Dommes or D/s couples. I take this as a very large compliment but at the same time it screws me up a bit. 

My bi-products of blogging:

-I started drawing and had a place to post my drawings for people to see them.  If not for this blog I probably wouldn't have kept on drawing.
-Internet addiction.  Pounding out 12 long posts or 8 drawings in 3 days isn't healthy.

What I feel blogging has become to me:

A. An escape.  It has become far too easy for me to drift into fantasy-land in my mind rather than focus on my life and the people in it.  It doesn't have to be "all or nothing", but it has gotten out of control.  12 posts or 8 drawings in 3 days isn't healthy, it is my attempt at avoiding reality in favor of a fantasy or hypothetical mindset. 

B. My primary source of interaction.  I have started craving interaction.  I have started to crave praise.  Once this happens it is a sign of full blown internet addiction.  In this state, praise means the world and criticism or disappointing others brings that world crashing down.  It may have started as an escape but then I would find myself drawing or writing more and more, hoping that someone would say something.  It brings out the worst in myself and is a clear indicator that my depression has set in without me realizing it.

A couple of months ago I was calling friends regularly, we were going out a lot, we were having lots of fun (even if it wasn't D/s).  Since both Mistress and my own moods have taken a shit due to winter/holidays, neither of us are really trying to do anything.  It's time to change that.


It's time for a break.  I will continue to draw and post the drawings here.  I may still write up a quickie post now and then.  I will probably check in on other blogs every so often and drop a comment here and there.  I do have to stop spending more time than is healthy on here.  I have to find a better state of mind (and life) where blogging doesn't have the potential to upset me or ruin my mood. 

I will still respond to any comments that roll in or emails/chat requests but I am taking a step back from the blog for the time being.


  1. I've enjoyed reading your thoughtful posts. I hope you'll pop up and share whenever a new insight hits you.

  2. Thank you, Lady Grey and Giles.

    I think this will be break like I took last year. The night that I wrote the Vanessa's Dilemma post it should have been clear to me that my depression had set in and that I was grasping at straws. Since then my emotional health and writing quality have dropped off. I was spending 5+ hours a night on the internet pumping out post after post that wreak of the emotional mess I have become.

    I should be back when I have found a better state of mind and hopefully have some meaningful things to say. Until then I'll be cutting back my time online.