Love, Abuse, and D/s

I'm screwed up and I know it.  I think I've gotten used to it as I don't even feel self-conscious about being screwed anymore.  I know I've written entries like this before but it is cathartic for me to write in this way so that I can better understand myself.

A good number of individuals involved in lifestyle D/s often have a history of emotional and/or physical abuse that dates back to when we were young.  This is not always the case by any means but it is frequently the case.  I think in a lot of ways, abuse during our formative years can help propel someone towards D/s in the future but it can be towards both submissive or dominant.

In my own case I was raised in an environment where I had to earn love.  It wasn't given unconditionally.  It was given when I excelled at something, whether it be academics, sports, music, etc.  When I failed or stepped out of line I was beaten down physically and emotionally.  This is how I learned to live and how I viewed myself: I was worthy when I was the best and worthless if I was not.

While highly motivating, it's also a bit screwed up and it has led to some difficulties with self-image and self-esteem.  When I succeed I crave praise and approval but feel like I don't really deserve it if/when I receive it.  When I fail I crash hard and it's difficult for me to cope with failure.  This is reflected in my life as a submissive.  I try hard because I want to be accepted but I never really build self-esteem.  When I fail I feel like I should be punished.

It's odd but that plays perfectly towards a strict D/s lifestyle.  Success is to be expected and failure will not be tolerated.  I seem to cope better with this kind of tough love than love given unconditionally.  My non-D/s relationship experience has shown that unconditional love often leaves so it's like I expect to have to earn love and have made peace with that.  I'm not sure if that is healthy but under those circumstances my emotions and thoughts tend to make more sense.

I have known a few Dommes that were spawned in similar environments.  They were strong enough to say "fuck you" to the factors keeping them down and create situations where they were in control.  This control grants them their power and it makes sense to me as an outsider looking in.  I know they don't always feel dominant all the time and there are occasions where outside factors can shake up their feelings of control but as a whole I respect the way they chose to overcome their past.