I will start this off by saying that I am not good at nor confident about vanilla dating. I am not the type who can walk into a bar or a club and approach a woman and hit on her. I am the guy who is more likely to be found relaxing in a coffee shop reading by myself and wishing that I was confident enough to just jump in and meet people.
While physical characteristics or style may influence what I find visually attractive, an interesting personality, a warm smile, and a variety of human quirks and flaws are usually what win my heart. Those are the things that make someone unique. Those are the things that make me treasure knowing someone on a deeper level.
I don't feel comfortable approaching someone on a romantic level unless I see something that draws me to them. I need to see something special... something below the surface... something that gives me more to say than, "Hi, I think you're pretty." I don't want to judge someone on something that doesn't say anything about who they are. I don't want to be judged on something that doesn't say anything about who I am.
Did I mention that I'm terrible at dating?
On some levels, BDSM dating is even more awkward. There is a false pretense on which to connect. "Oh, you like bondage? I like bondage too." Unfortunately on many levels this is similar to, "Oh, you like sex? I like sex too." It says something, but not enough to act on a deeper level. I look at how someone makes me feel in my heart more than how they make me feel in my pants. This can happen in any (legal) age, size, shape, color, background, etc.
I've written at length about the astronomically bad odds for male subs seeking Dommes, so I won't go into detail on that except to say that it's common for the male to have to make more compromises or sacrifices than the Domme when choosing potential matches. It isn't easy for either party to find a "perfect match," but what the hell is perfect anyways?
In a perfect world, no one would have to settle for anything less than their amazing ideal of looks, personality, and sexuality. Unfortunately, there are far more people of average or below average looks than "pretty" people, which pretty much ensures that there aren't enough Prince Charmings or beautiful Goddesses to go around. What I have learned over the years is that with an emotional connection and an open heart, a woman of any shape, size, color, etc. can get me going in my pants. I have also know that not everyone that is pretty can make me happy.
Where things get complicated is the massive variance among Dommes and how they present what they are looking for. The concept of the Unicorn is that finding the perfect submissive is almost a myth. Having seen what a Domme's inbox on a BDSM social media site looks like, I have no doubt that spending time in this environment makes the Unicorn seem even further away while sifting through piles of dick pics and "i wun u 2 sit on my face" messages. Having recently jumped back into social media with the hope of making friends, I have been reminded at just how strange a lot of this seems.
There are veterans of the lifestyle that have pretty much given up on finding a Unicorn. The profiles are often hostile and intimidating to approach. I suppose this is meant to weed out the obvious rejects but it also makes things a little scary.
There are the people that aren't looking for relationships, just play. I'm sure there are many out there searching for this, but not everyone.
There also exists a profile type that always leaves me a little bit puzzled. Actually, seeing these sort of make me cry inside a little. Often they start out intriguing and interesting, saying quite a bit about the type of person that they are. They usually continue along the lines of: "You must be white, within 5 years of age of me, 6'2" or taller, handsome with a full head of hair, nice teeth, in good physical shape, a Masters degree or PHD, a job with $80k salary or higher, no physical ailments, must enjoy musical theater, antique shopping, and being outdoors, good at conversation, great sense of humor, no baggage, etc." I keep reading longer than I should because I'm curious if the man has to own a white horse and what are acceptable locations for his castle.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't believe anyone should be forced to "settle," or not chase after their Mr. Perfect. I merely question what people consider settling to be and what sort of things they actually need to be happy. You can derive a lot from this. Would this person really willingly miss out on a great guy because he is 5'10"? If so, are they really someone emotionally grounded enough to connect with? If no, why did they put that as a "must"? It's hard enough finding a Unicorn, why make it a search for a Unicorn among Unicorns?
I know I get a little bit overly sensitive about some of these topics, mostly because I inevitably fail many superficial filters when it comes to dating. This happened in my vanilla days all the time, less so in the realm of BDSM. I will admit that getting to know people takes time. Building trust and connection takes time. A lot of people don't want to waste time investing in someone that will end up being a poor fit. However, this is also where you learn what the person can do for you on the inside. Can he make you feel like a beautiful Goddess? Can she make you feel like you are her prince (or beloved servant)? If the answer to either of those is yes, I am certain the connection goes beyond being skin deep.
People's looks will fade with age. A deep connection of the heart can last forever.
It's funny that the awkwardness of BDSM dating feels a lot like the awkwardness of vanilla dating... and that's even without considering kinks and kink overlap.
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