There are times when I'm worried about what I post because a lot of what I write probably makes me seem unstable. Then I realize I've already written pretty thoroughly about a number of the worst things that have ever happened to me and I figure what the hell.
(It is probably obvious that) My current obsession is writing. As with the way my craziness works I get emotionally disheveled when events happen in life that block me from my obsession. In this case, things that prevent me from reaching a mindset conducive to writing unnerve me... in a way that I can only describe as "life feels wrong" and a desperate and frantic feeling to bring it back to feeling right.
I do want to put it out there that I appear and function quite normally in the world even if everything inside of me is spiraling in a bad way. It probably seems like it carries a lot of gravity when I write about it... but that's mostly from the fact that it's a breakdown of my coping mechanisms and/or realizing my support system has shifted in an unpleasant way.
I have to say it's rather irritating being able to step back
and watch everything eating me on the inside with a full understanding
of what is going on but not being able to do anything about it. Within D/s dynamics I can channel all of that energy into service. Without it I'm left spinning as I do my best to find my way out.
On the upside I have managed to get a hold on the emotional spiral I was in for a few days and hope to get back to working on part 51 of fs01 very soon.
On a side note, I will be delaying the milestone drawing for a while... I started working on it last week and I'm just not feeling it. Considered it delayed but not canceled.