Friday, August 19, 2016

Back in Form

There are times when I'm worried about what I post because a lot of what I write probably makes me seem unstable.  Then I realize I've already written pretty thoroughly about a number of the worst things that have ever happened to me and I figure what the hell.

(It is probably obvious that) My current obsession is writing.  As with the way my craziness works I get emotionally disheveled when events happen in life that block me from my obsession.  In this case, things that prevent me from reaching a mindset conducive to writing unnerve me... in a way that I can only describe as "life feels wrong" and a desperate and frantic feeling to bring it back to feeling right.

I do want to put it out there that I appear and function quite normally in the world even if everything inside of me is spiraling in a bad way.  It probably seems like it carries a lot of gravity when I write about it... but that's mostly from the fact that it's a breakdown of my coping mechanisms and/or realizing my support system has shifted in an unpleasant way.

I have to say it's rather irritating being able to step back and watch everything eating me on the inside with a full understanding of what is going on but not being able to do anything about it.  Within D/s dynamics I can channel all of that energy into service.  Without it I'm left spinning as I do my best to find my way out.  

On the upside I have managed to get a hold on the emotional spiral I was in for a few days and hope to get back to working on part 51 of fs01 very soon.

On a side note, I will be delaying the milestone drawing for a while... I started working on it last week and I'm just not feeling it.  Considered it delayed but not canceled. 


  1. Service as therapy. Sounds reasonable to me, fur, but then again I am a bit prejudiced when it comes to the efficacy of service. At least you've found something that helps stabilize you, and that's no small thing. When you consider that others turn to alcohol or drugs, well you're way ahead of the game, and I trust the muse is just waiting in the wings. Looking forward to part 51:)

    1. Thank you, Lady Grey.

      I have to write 51 but 52 and a bonus chapter are where the muse is chomping at the bit. Once I finish 51 I would expect the other two to follow within 24 hours.

      The channeling of energy into service is a tough thing to describe as it isn't a "I serve because it stabilizes me" thing... it is something I noticed in hindsight as I found I was a lot more stable within D/s and wanted to figure out why.

      When my obsession becomes service, any negative thought is immediately countered by a stronger thought of "feeling this way doesn't help her, try harder." The end result is an ultra focused state where I constantly seek out (new) ways to please her and make her smile. Even if she doesn't raise the bar... I do.

      It is usually a fairly pleasant state for both parties.