I decided today that I'm pretty much done with Fetlife.
The negative hostility finally got to me. None of the negative hostility was directed at me but I can't imagine why I would continue to subject myself to that type of environment. I gave it about two months and did my best to interact in ways that I could, hoping for discussion and the like.
What I found is that the majority of people there aren't really interested in discussion. Soap boxing, back patting when someone has identical views, and treating people badly seems to be the norm on active groups. I think what bothers me most is the tendency for people to chase the low-hanging fruit. Comments that are well-thought and provide interesting perspectives are generally ignored since people can't easily agree with them or easily try to make the poster feel like a jack-ass.
I think the last straw for me was when a Domme posted that it is a myth that submissive men outnumber Dominant women. If I wasn't already feeling like I had one foot out the door I think I would have wanted to vomit. This is the most obvious thing about BDSM. I don't understand why someone would willingly reject it just to support their own ideas. In my younger days I may have snapped into keyboard warrior mode, but I have no energy for those types of shenanigans anymore.
I will still log in there as I did meet one person I enjoy corresponding with and one of my blog readers uses that site as our primary means of communication, but damn, I really don't see much of a point in trying to take part in anything. I'd be better off just searching uploaded photos for jerk off material.
Some recent correspondence with a sub there has led me to something else that has nagged me over the years. Most people are cowards. I've always felt this way on many levels but I've never realized just how ill-prepared many people are emotionally to face relationships.
For much of my life I have hoped to consider myself emotionally strong. I succeed in some areas and I am definitely weak in others, but as a whole, I have no trouble being committed, dedicated, or loyal. I have no trouble seeing things through. I fully understand that life carries both good and bad and weathering through the ups and downs is what makes us who we are.
I never felt brave until recently when I have seen so many people who are completely mortified at the idea of truly loving someone... being truly vulnerable to someone... being willing to make sacrifices for someone. I've never felt brave for doing these things and I think these are crucial in successful vanilla relationships let alone D/s ones. It's like people don't want to trust someone else unless they see that person as infallible. Like... seriously? People don't want to trust unless the other person is perfect? They expect someone else to accept them with their imperfections but don't want their partner to have any?
I guess I just don't get it. It's times like these where I don't mind that I'm so screwed up. I do a lot of what I do because I can't picture someone loving me if I don't. What is even crazier is that I don't expect a partner to reciprocate those things. I do not mind if I love them unconditionally but they require conditions of me to love me back. I do not mind being wholly vulnerable and exposed while they are selective in what they show me. I do not mind if I am the one that makes the sacrifices and compromises for the good of the relationship. This is the way that my brain works.
I've never considered this brave until I was aware of just how few people can or will do this. I don't even know if brave is the right word. Is it better described as stupid? Desperate?
I don't really know. The only thing I am sure of is that I actually don't mind myself at the moment... in all of my fucked-up glory.
Man, why are you so judgmental today? What´s the problem with a domme saying that it is a myth that submissive men outnumber dominant women?
ReplyDeleteI dont agree with her statement, but I can somewhat understand why she thinks that.
As for fetlife: Well, it´s like McDonalds. You go there to quickly fulfill a need. There is not much quality , but it is good enough for a hungry moment.
I think what both you and I need and crave is the feeling of having someone special in our life. Someone we can love and adore and pamper and shower with attention. I am asking myself and you: Is our love really unconditional? I mean, seriously, aren't we secretly expecting to get something in return? Namely the feeling of "having a place", "having a purpose", "a meaning for our life" etc.
I am super brave when it comes to opening up to other people and to making myself vulnerable and exposing myself. And in my experience, when you open yourself up, people are more willing to reciprocate openness.
My guess is: you are searching at the wrong places, my friend. what you are trying to find in other people is already in you. You are the one who cannot see how wonderful and amazing and magnificent you are. Me, I have no problems seeing you as you are: Great and wonderful :-)
Thank you, Tina.
DeleteI guess I am feeling judgemental because the majority of my time spent on the internet is an attempt to help people... share with them... try to say something positive... help them learn and grow... discuss points of view and how interesting it is that people differ and how they got there.
I get angry when people attack others. If someone posts "the sky is blue," do they deserve to have 20 people call them stupid since it's only blue during the day? Let alone another 10 piling on with specific cases of cloud cover.
It takes a lot more time and care to teach someone something than it does to tear them down. This is a matter I do not feel guilty getting frustrated over.
Within the context I get frustrated with someone saying that it's a myth that submissive men outnumber dominant women because 1) anyone who has searched knows this isn't true. 2) The way the statement was delivered was done in a way to try to make anyone that believes that submissive men outnumber dominant women is an idiot.
While I may agree the ratio of QUALITY submissive men to QUALITY dominant women is probably more like 1:1, 2:1, 3:1, one of us ends up with 300 messages a day while the other is lucky to get 1.
The debate if love can truly be unconditional is similar to the debate if altruism truly exists. When I choose to love I am prepared to face both the good times and the bad. I feel some people want to hedge their bets before deciding to love, which in turn makes it extremely conditional.
My feelings are a bit hurt this weekend after making plans a few weeks ago and having them fall through at the last minute. Seeking connection elsewhere and having it just feel toxic doesn't help my mood in these cases.
Thank you again. Take care.
Sorry your feelings got hurt this weekend. I have made the experience in my life that when I am in a bad or lousy mood, for whatever reasons, the people in my life cannot really lift my mood. That is something I have to do for myself.
DeleteI´d love to take away some of your pain, lift your mood, because that is something I like to do, something that makes me happy, but I had to learn that sometimes I have to accept things as they are. You are the master of your feelings. :-)
Just know: there are nice people out there, who care about you and your thoughts and your well being. I am one of them. :-)
Thank you, Tina. Your words mean a lot to me.
DeleteIn general I try to avoid regions of the web that will frustrate me but there are other times where feeling lonely pulls harder and somewhere I still hope that it won't be as bad as before... but I should realize by now it's about as futile as showing up at a KKK rally and trying to convince them they shouldn't be racist.
People aren't willing to take the risk of being hurt, so they play it safe. In the world we live in, that's the name of the game.
ReplyDeleteI'm at fault for this too, I don't have many people to call friend.
What you've been through allows you to deeply appreciate what people regularly throw away. They keep looking for something better, something perfect, because they can't see past their asses.
lawyer's last paragraph was well said!
PS Where is the line between bravery and stupidity? ;)
Thank you, Misty.
DeleteI understand the risk of being hurt, I just acknowledge that it's necessary to bring about the deep and rewarding aspects of life. Some people acknowledge this and work towards it while others voluntarily stay within their shell.
I wish I knew where the line between bravery and stupidity falls... it probably depends a lot on the motives :)