Yesterday some things happened that managed to trigger an emotional spiral. Some unintentional events woke the demons and put me into a bad state that is beyond my rational control. I can't help but be a little bit upset with myself as I feel the spiral of self-defeat. I will keep writing to try and keep my thoughts and feelings open rather than bury them while I try to mend what is going on.
I've been called a lot of things over the years but one description that I don't think has ever been used is carefree. I tend to have a very intense personality. I am excited about what interests me. It consumes my thoughts. I wish to share it with those I am close to. This is often contagious and I often find I can get other people excited about those same things... I can sell its merits... show them the reasons and intricacies behind my interests.
This blog makes things a little hard since it is not something I will share with those I know. Even those who know of its existence... I tell them that this is my place that I need to be able to center myself. The people who are here made an effort to be here and took the dime to dig in.
Behind the intensity is my effort. When I decide to do something, I try my hardest. I'm not one of those people that talks about "oh, when I get around to it...". I blast into things... full speed... balls to the wall... this is what I want to do and I will be the best at it. I never do things half way. This was something that K noticed from the start. I didn't need training. She was able to ramp up the micro-managing in rules like a game of "Simon Says" where I could go round after round without missing a beat. Meticulous and precise with details... always displaying attention and awareness... always learning... looking for ways to improve.
I look at my performance in whatever I do as a reflection of who I am. I don't half-ass things or scrape by with "just enough." When I see people that won't put in effort or consistently do the bare minimum, I tend to think they will half-ass most things. I don't want people to think that about me. I want to appear perfect and with the work ethic and dedication to make that so. I want to exceed expectations by such a margin that they have to completely rebuild how they go about making expectations. Raise the bar, I'll be fine. Keep raising it, I'll be fine. It's what I do.
In a lot of ways this contributes to the intensity of what I crave in submission. Throw the kitchen sink at me and I'll catch it. I actually get disappointed when this doesn't happen... because I fear that it means they are seeing me as less than what I could be. I do not respond well to kindness unless it includes a stipulation that it is a gift. I acknowledge that it's probably dangerous for me to be wired this way since it's easy to get too deep. It's also potentially confusing to balance kindness vs. intimacy as they are distinctly different things. I need the intimacy... but kindness is optional.
All of this has become such a part of my identity that I can't picture myself without it. I know that it rose from my methods of coping. This became who I am out of fear that I will be too little... lesser... unworthy. I would accept it as purely a positive if it didn't carry with it the shadow of demons. I do try to see it as a positive. I strive to continually improve. It reflects well on me in relationships, friendships, work, sport, hobbies, etc. I want people to see anything that I do and see a reflection of excellence.
In the moment I see this as self-motivation. In the bigger picture I recognize it rooted in fear. Is that a bad thing?
The intensity also cuts both ways. When I am knocked off balance emotionally the hurt swirls in with the same level of intensity that I display in other things.
I have also found that the perception of my intensity isn't always seen as a positive. I've been rejected by some for exactly the same reason that I am drawn to others. This keeps me questioning myself and never quite able to settle in with embracing myself fully.