Saturday, November 19, 2016

Some random "What ifs"

Depression has hit me full on these past couple of weeks... I will keep writing in hope that I will see some light at the end of the tunnel.

Some recent events and interactions within the kink realm have gotten me thinking about something again. They are more thoughts than serious considerations but I will go ahead and put them out there.

I have known a handful of male Doms out there that aren't naturally dominant.  They were in fact subs, but due to their enjoyment of kink and inability to attract a Domme (over the course of several years), they switched roles and reclassified themselves as Doms in order to make it easier to find a partner or partners.  This change shuffled their spot on the hierarchy and led to an almost immediate shift in their success.  Basically, they went from being one of the man to one of the few... one of the overlooked to one of the desired. 

I won't lie, at times I've felt this was a bit of a "cheap out."  Instead of working to better oneself as a submissive, to merely flip to a different role in order to make things easier... sort of like giving up the guitar in order to become a bassist or drummer simply to find a band.  My pride as a sub had never allowed me to consider that before, but as I sit here with a heavy and aching heart, what is my pride truly worth?

The other reason I am thinking about this is after hearing from a submissive friend that they discovered their Dom had been looking at a lot of Femdom porn.  I've never considered it "wrong" for a femsub to change roles and become a Domme.  In fact, I've always considered femsubs to simply be those lacking in confidence or self-esteem, and if those factors were present, I have often felt their dominant tendencies would surface quickly.  I'm not sure why I hold this sort of double-standard, feeling like male subs that become Doms are "fakers" while femsubs that become Dommes are "confident and healthy."

It has always been my pride that blocked me from anything other than "dabbling" with what it would be like if I ever switched.  I have been told by a few that they felt I would be a good Dom.  In a lot of ways, my meticulous personality and understanding of how human emotions work within an environmental system probably would make me a responsible Dom.  I doubt that I would ever leave a sub wanting for more strictness.   I am a natural tease and I know how to get into a person's head.  I also know for a fact that with the level that I care for others that I would be able to sustain an environment that could make a sub happy. 

Something that has always puzzled me is why people with strong fetishes are mostly submissive.  e.g. why does someone with a shoe fetish associate as a submissive and often alienate their partners by being drawn more to shoes than to the person?  Wouldn't it be easier for them to be a Dom and order their sub to wear the styles of shoes they fancy? 

With that in mind, would it not be easier for someone like myself to order a sub to wear fur/leather/boots/gloves that I find attractive rather than hope to find someone who enjoys wearing those things?  Probably.  I also know from conversations that most women would be horrified to dress in the way that I have been forced to, so many of the humiliation aspects would carry over. 

Why then do I choose the hard route? 

I know in my heart that this choice isn't for me.  Two major factors come into play.  The first is that I cannot physically hurt a woman, so that pain play and/or corporal punishment is off the table.  I am emotionally incapable of doing such things.  If her face shows suffering my instinct is to make her smile.  The second is that I am sexually incapable of responding from the top role.  I would not be able to perform in that way and I think that would probably be hurtful on many levels.

Beyond that, I know in my heart I do not deserve it.  I am the one who suffers.  I am the one who must earn approval and affection.  I am the one who endures, ever grateful that someone took notice of me. 

I know deep down that if I were to ever attempt a switch that I would be a faker.  I do know that I should probably stop feeling that way about others.


  1. There is a remark that stuck with me here and made me sad to read. You said "Beyond that, I know in my heart I do not deserve it." You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved. To be blunt... you deserve better. I think you would not be a faker if you attempted to switch, but I do think you would find that your preference to be submissive is just another beautiful part of who you are.

    1. Thank you, Miss Lily.

      It's one of those strange times where "capable of" vs. "feels right" tend to clash a bit.

  2. I've never been tempted to switch from my naturally dominant persona, and I suppose that I really don't understand how someone can go back and forth on such a basic level. I know Miss Lily (and others) seem to be able to switch easily, but I really don't understand how they can derive equal pleasure from both sides of this dynamic. So what am I missing here, or is the pleasure really not "equal"? If not, why do it?

    1. Thank you, Lady Grey.

      I have never naturally considered switching... only pondered it in times of desperation. I recently recommended it as a possibility to a sub that I know that is in a very difficult and emotionally crushing situation.

      I guess it is a strange spot to be in, where the lesser pleasure is vastly superior to the status quo while in a situation that can't be changed. I don't know though, writing this post didn't really give me any clarity on it.