I had meant to write this yesterday but a water-based emergency in our living situation completely derailed my day.
Writing about identity the other day got me thinking about why and how varying identities conflict with what I am able to accept about myself. I believe that a lot of this relates strongly to the D/s lifestyle in general but can affect each party in a different way.
From a mental health standpoint, I know that it is healthy to accept myself. In a perfect world I would embrace the submissive parts of myself, cherish them, and be able to thrive with them. Unfortunately our world is far from perfect. Many of us have deep-rooted issues pounded into us over time that make accepting certain things about ourselves nearly impossible.
e.g. I feel worthless. Rationally, I know that I do indeed have at least some worth. Deep in my core, the self-perception that I am worthless never really goes away... it merely fades away during moments when I am doing something that provides "worth" and it's gone in an instant. There is nothing that anyone can say that will make my heart believe otherwise. I know this is unhealthy and irrational, but it is for better or worse, ingrained into my psyche. It provides motivation where I am intent on proving those feelings wrong... but when the days is done and I am alone in my thoughts, the doubts remain.
Somewhere along the line I came up with a solution to all of this that has had mixed results, but as an ideal it is something that I can live with. I gave up on accepting myself. I merely seek acceptance from the one that I love. When I place such weight on the views of another it is calming because it always feels honest and true. No matter what beliefs from society or myself may say, it's what she believes and feels that is my truth.
I will be the first to admit that this is probably a horrible way of thinking but it's about the only way I have found solace in this world and if not for it, I likely would have shuffled off this mortal coil years ago. I don't really think I have to point these out but I will anyways but this train of thought is unfair:
-It is unfair to me because it gives her an unsafe amount of power over me.
-It is unfair to her because it puts undue pressure on her to take care of my emotional well-being.
That being said, if she accepts this willingly and incorporates it into our every day dynamics it works quite well. While it is potentially unsafe for me to roll along with it, no one has ever questioned the depth or strength of my love. While from the outside looking in it may appear unsafe, it actually fills my heart with gratitude. She saves me from myself... from my demons... and becomes my angel.
I show her my thanks in everything I do.
Going back to accepting identities... the world would not accept me as a sissy, I do not accept myself as a sissy, but if she accepts me as a sissy, everything is okay and I can manage with it guilt free. As she accepts me and all of my magnificent flaws, I love her even more for it.
In many ways I believe this sort of view creates a sense of dependence. I won't comment on whether I believe this is good or bad, but I believe it drives power in favor of the Domme to make a sub feel like he is acceptable to her, but unacceptable in general. e.g. "no one else would want you except for me."
Personally I do not mind being trapped by this... as it drives me to behave as if she is the only one in the world that I am meant to be with.
As I have conversed upon this subject with other kinksters over the years I find it noteworthy that I hold a double-standard in my mind when it comes to this subject in regards to Dommes. I always encourage Dommes to accept themselves and embrace all of the quirks and kinks that make them unique. I often approach it from "this is the way things should be" point of view... as if the world should conform to their image.
I'm not sure exactly why I do this, but it is probably partly because of how much self-acceptance affects self-confidence and self-esteem, which I consider to be core characteristics of a Domme. Another part that definitely comes to mind as to why this works is that as I've written in the past, I believe that being dominant is wholly rational. It is rational to get what you want. It is rational to want others to do what you want. It is rational to have freedom and choice.
Now that I have written it out, it seems obvious to me as to why my feelings easily accept the differences.
So many of my feelings are irrational or make sense only when looked at in the long-run. It makes sense that I'm fucked up and my psyche is in shambles because of the experiences that I have had. I guess the problem is that the long run is a result... and not something we can simply choose to change or have a simple event trigger a drastic shift.
I really hope this made some sense. Yesterday I had an idea outline in mind for this but I feel like it deteriorated with my exhaustion today. Normally I would trash this post without hitting publish but I'm not going to do that.