Back when I was younger, before I entered the lifestyle my sexuality was a complete mess. In the years between M and K, I was completely horrified by the fact that normal porn didn't do it for me.
When I first started touching myself, it was mostly rubbing my crotch through the top of my comforter. It was so different from the ways people would joke about masturbating that I didn't even realize I was masturbating. I just know that I was erect and that it felt good. This progressed slowly over time and I would instinctively stop if I felt myself getting too excited. I think it took a couple of years before I lost control and ejaculated. I was always fantasizing about M, or about a scenario with an anonymous woman that partook in acts similar to what M would do with me.
By the time I started ejaculating regularly, a few things terrified me. First was that the type of masturbating I would do wasn't anything similar to the act of sex. Second was that while my friends were becoming perverse horn dogs, I didn't get erect by the same types of things.
While I find a nude female figure to be very visually attractive, it wasn't just the breasts, the legs, or the ass that did it for me. While I would play along with the "yeah, I'd hit that" or "nice tits" type of locker-room behavior, I knew deep down it was only an act.
I saw women as being a little bit intimidating. While I was friends with many girls, I could never picture myself "ravaging" them... I respected them and wanted to care for them. In my fantasies I never made the first move.
This made dating very awkward as guys were supposed to make the first move. Asking for permission to kiss them was a turn off... an attractive male would take them and kiss them. I wasn't supposed to ask how it made her feel... or if it was the way she likes it. I was supposed to mind read and know all of those things based upon signals. I know much of the problems were related to the fact that deep down I couldn't believe that she would want that from me.
I really didn't have any serious sexual relations until K, so before that, it was maybe some kissing, light petting, and the like. I always felt horrible that I didn't get an erection from kissing a girl. The two things that "did it" for me were her smell or the fantasy that would swirl in my head. I kept those thoughts to myself... as a buried secret that I never dreamed I would tell anyone about.
In the fantasy, she was M. She would hold me down and have her way with me, guiding me in how she wanted me to behave. I would love and cherish her for being there with me... noticing me... making me feel like I mattered... that I was okay... that she accepted me.
Somewhere in the midst of that internet worked its way in. I remember early on searching for pictures of women in fur and envisioning them as M. After I discovered NTCWeb everything went into disarray. All of a sudden fur and Femdom were mixed... and even the pictures and stories that are read that were too extreme... I tried to ignore them... tried to pretend I never saw them. If I collected any pictures, I would only save Femdom pictures if the Domme was wearing fur... I somehow could stomach that... "because she's in fur, and that's sexy."
My "fantasy M" evolved. She became my whip cracking fur Goddess that did all the old things and more. By this time, masturbating made me so ashamed that I wanted to die. Standard porn did nothing for me. Looking at women in bikinis did nothing sexual for me. I felt broken... ruined... and if I managed to find a woman to love me, I would forever keep this buried secret.
I felt hopeless until I met K.