Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Finding positives

There are times where I look back upon the events of my life and while I can't say that I feel good about the way that they happened, I can say that I do not regret the way that they happened.

It's a lot harder to appreciate things that come easily.  When we painstakingly work and suffer for a goal, the reward feels sweeter in the end.

Would I think that love is as special as it is if I hadn't been starved of it or had every attempt for my first 20+ years fall painfully unrequited?  Probably not.  Every failed attempt taught me to try harder... give more of myself... until I only give my all.  To give all of myself.  Could I have learned that within different circumstances?  Probably not.

Part of why I criticize subs taking the courting process lightly, or those that throw away the advances of a Domme is because I simply cannot picture doing that.  Being chosen is the greatest feeling I have ever had.  I felt so very lucky and grateful... the feeling that I had always wanted but never had... like the rest of my life was worthwhile because it led me to this point.

On some level this might seem excessive or obsessive.  I have been rejected in the vanilla world for this... taking my feelings too seriously... wanting for something special to blossom too quickly.  I understand that must scare some.

It seems like it is only in D/s, when a sub is asked to give more of themselves, has my approach been appreciated.  Where loving with my all is appreciated more than feared.  It's the only way I know how to go about things.  I will endure it all to show my love for her.  I will endure it all to make her smile. 

I am broken... but in just the right way... to make this work.


  1. It takes a strong person to see the positives with bad. Love this post.

  2. My understanding from reading your blog today is that right now you are alone and that you have not really had a full time, primary relationship. The parts about your separation from your married domme, and your time with her dwindling -- forcing you to spend your holidays and birthday alone was particularly troubling. You describe some intermittent highs while is a secondary status with domme's -- hopefully you can discover a good primary partner. I commend you for making the most of your opportunities and wish you success in the future. I sent you an email today about your CM experiences and hope to hear back.

    1. Hello.

      I am currently in a relationship that has lasted for about 10 years now. Unfortunately the D/s side of things faded out after about 4 years and kink in general a couple of years later.

      It is true that I did not really have a primary relationship while growing up but that part ended ~13 years ago.

      What I still deal with are psychological issues that stem from an abusive upbringing... wounds that never really seem to heal and are laid bare in the absence of D/s.