Public and Private Selves

I'm writing to unwind after a very long day of sinking in a ton of extra work.  One of those days where exhaustion sets in but the mind won't relax.

Some comments recently got me thinking heavily about D/s, personality, etc.  Writing it out usually lets me gather said thoughts as long as they don't spiral into an unfocused mess...

I think the inner root of submission differs greatly for people.  To some, submission is an action... it is a verb... it is something you consciously do and take on a set of behavioral characteristics that represent this action.

I know in my own case, I view submission as a mindset.  It is a state of being... an adjective... to be submissive.  What it actual feels like to me is a state of vulnerability... trusting and loving enough to relinquish control. 

While these two situations might look the same on the surface, I find there to be a difference at their core.  It is easy to act obediently, act respectfully, and the like... you'll find people every day that behave in this way.  Some are genuine while others put on a mask and fake it.  It is difficult to be vulnerable... when you first do it, it's quite scary... bu that fear brings a rush and that rush can be addictive.  I obey because that is my role... that is my purpose... I act respectfully because that is appropriate when our status is not equal.  In that state of subspace, I can see no other way to exist.

Every day in life we adopt a series of faces.  This is natural when functioning within a societal structure, measuring ourselves against our peers and under the watchful eye of authority figures.  Survival dictates that we adapt in order to avoid creating unnecessary struggles along the way.

In my public state I am an alpha.  Competent, confident, intelligent, often acting with a bit of ego and a chip on my shoulder.  That is the face I show to the world in order to survive.  Inside I am small.  While still competent and intelligent I am no longer confident.  I do not trust my own emotions.  I do not really like who I am and know the best way to focus my energies.  I fear that I will be disliked and unloved.  I am afraid to show that to the world. 

I consider submission to be my natural state.  This is the time I am comfortable baring all.  This is my private self.  There are very few cases where I will allow this to happen... it only happens when someone tells me "I choose you and accept you."  Those words are the key that unlocks me from the prison of my public face and allows me to love freely and openly with all of my being. 

I have known others over the years that are bottoms.  They like the kink but don't want to give up the control.  When they submit, they put on the mask of the role.  A mask that they cast aside when it is done.  In some cases, removing the submissive mask reveals another public mask.  In other cases this yields a true face. 

I'm not trying to judge and say that any one way is the right way, I'm just contrasting differences that I have encountered.  I find it fascinating when I meet someone that has very similar kink interests to me but our masks are opposites.  They put one on and pretend... I take mine off and expose my soul.

I have found over the years that confident, competent, and intelligent lifestyle Dommes are often the most well-balanced people that I ever come across.  They are frequently in control of their emotions.  I feel like the role of dominance in their lives does not hold the same type of polarizing nature as it does in the lives of male subs.  It's almost like the different faces just all coexist together in a state of harmonic balance, exposing that aspect of their persona when it is needed.  You will see kindness, openness, and friendliness existing alongside the sadistic, calculating, cruelty. 

While I am not a fan of public kink-related gatherings, I do have to say it is in comfortable environments with an intimate crowd that knows each other well that this often displays itself masterfully.  It is frequently amazing how those balances work. 

In some ways I wish I could be that way... not that I wish to be dominant, but that I wish I was capable of displaying more sides of myself at the same time instead of this "all in" or "all out" existence that I have with my submission.  Every time I see a Domme exert both cruelty and kindness at the same time, I always find myself wishing that I could strike a better balance between my public and private selves... as I cannot imagine having any parts of my alpha coexisting with my vulnerable submission at the same time.