Here goes the long version of the post I started over a month ago and then deleted the "short version" that I wrote quickly the other night.
Disclaimer: I'm really going to try to have this not sound like a rant but I don't have absolute confidence in my abilities to do so.
I've written a lot about courting in the BDSM/fetish/Femdom world over the years. I've interacted with quite a few subs/individuals who asked for advice and my tips for courting a Domme still get linked to quite a bit.
I don't know what it is about single kink-oriented guys, but they can be quite infuriating.
I'm not sure how much of my own views are biased by the fact that I was someone that no one wanted for so many years. Long stretches without positive prospects... being rejected repeatedly... it really shaped how I tend to view dating, love, courting, and the like.
I've never understood why a lot of guys have trouble with commitment. It's one thing if they are in a relationship because of desperation. The idea of not wanting to be tied down to something that you wouldn't have chosen unless it was the only option isn't necessarily a good one. But why get into a relationship that you obviously don't like from the start?
If the relationship is good, why is it hard to commit then? Some idea that a lottery winning big breasted perfect 10 will pick you out of all the potential guys they could be with? Some idea that you could be happier with someone who was "better" than who you are with? Is that fair to the person you are with? How good could something ever be if you don't love with your all?
Are there answers to these questions? Sure... but most of them resemble words like "cowardice," "conceit," "selfishness," and the like. This is bad enough in the vanilla dating realm where the available pool is roughly 50% men and 50% women. I can't see how anyone would carry this over to Femdom and believe themselves to have the slightest bit of chance.
This past summer I found myself deeply frustrated with a couple of Dommes claiming there weren't more submissive men seeking Dommes than Dommes seeking subs. This was so outside the realm of what I had thought most people accepted as common belief: There are way the hell more single male subs than Dommes seeking subs and the only disagreements could be found over how bad the ratio actually was.
Had they added a caveat of say, "there aren't enough WORTHWHILE submissive men," I would probably have agreed with them whole-heartedly. Single men in kink and fetish communities earn their bad rep. The dick pics, the "texting on a 2001 cell phone" grammar, over rudeness and the like end up wearing and tearing on the psyche of pretty much any woman that comes in contact with it.
In these communities, single women are a precious resource. They are a jewel. A treasure. Something to be treated with absolute care and reverence. Respect them and cherish them.
Unfortunately the most common interactions are absolutely mind-boggling. I can't even picture how it goes down.
It could possibly be something like:
Version A. "I'm going to masturbate with one hand, type with the other, and try to jam my fetish down your throat. That should impress you and you'll immediately fall in love with me, right?"
Version B. "OMG an actual woman. It is your job to pay attention to me and give me fodder to wank to. This should impress you and you'll immediately fall in love with me, right?"
Version C. "Look at how amazing my totally average dick is. I'm sure looking at a penis gets you as turned on as I get when I look at boobs. This should impress you and you'll immediately fall in love with me, right?"
Version D. "I ate paint chips when I was a kid living in my house under those power lines. Wanna go make out after I brush my tooth?"
Being that I am an actual submissive and have served fur-loving Dommes, this type of thing has given trouble to me as well. "Send me a pic of her naked in a fur coat." "Umm, no?" "give me her name so I can look her up on facebook then." "Seriously? no."
If I listened to my inner voice I would be asking for their mother's name so I can find her on facebook and go off on her for wasting a perfectly good sperm and egg.
Moving on and looking at sub's that have actual potential... I found a bit of a disturbing trend. I don't know if this is recent or not but it seems in the past year there has been a trend with subs ghosting Dommes that have shown interest in them. If you aren't familiar with the term... it's basically abruptly terminating contact and vanishing with no explanation. I despise when people break off contact with no reason in general. It doesn't matter if it's dating or not. I just think that kind of thing is weak.
"They should get the hint" is the most cowardly line. It's even worse when people think they are being kinder by doing that. Kind is ripping the band-aid off instead of letting them suffer as it's peeled off slowly. "I just don't think that we are compatible." "I found someone else." etc. Even if it's sugar-coated, it's still something.
I think why hearing of this frustrates me so much is that when I have had a Domme take interest in me... it was such an ecstatic feeling. I'm not used to feeling desired. Being chosen is one of the greatest feelings in the world. If someone could bail so easily... they are not giving the honor its proper respect... not respecting the person behind it.
If there's any value in the fact that I spent much of my life feeling unloved, unattractive, and unwanted, it's that I would never do that kind of shit... If anything, I'm prone to going too far in the other direction. I can be too thankful, too grateful, too attentive where it might be perceived oddly early on. In any case, I just get excited... because it's exciting to feel that good.
Real life poses its own challenges. I can understand why someone might hesitate to getting into a Femdom relationship for the first time... but ideally... wouldn't you have thought about that BEFORE you started looking? Or did the one-hand-on-dick typing method take over? Or is it one of the reasons why men fear commitment in general? People take things for granted too easily.
Lady Grey's most recent post actually gives another example. I can't read about David and think... dude... why? Why are you willing to fuck up your relationship by just going dark for the day? If you're too scared and can't handle it... just say that. In what world is not responding a better choice than just admitting weakness? Admitting you are weak shows more strength.
I don't really have a point with this post, but I do have some parting words I would like to add:
-To all the patient Dommes out there that are seeking the right sub: You
are a beautiful treasure and never let anyone make you feel otherwise.
-To all the good male subs out there that represent us in a positive light: Steer the course, brothers.
-To all the douchey male subs out there: Please do not reproduce. The world sucks enough as it is without future generations of you running around.
The phenomenon is fascinating to me.
ReplyDeleteI think the main thing is fantasy vs reality, and I think that some submissives genuinely don't realise that they aren't ready or willing to move out of fantasy land until the rubber hits the road. Then their fear (and cowardice) makes them ghost. OR the rubber touches the road and they realise the reality ain't all that and they run back to their basement.
Regardless of anything, it does boil down to cowardice. If you are a grown man, FFS have the respect to just say 'I'm not up for this' or 'This isn't working' or do SOME VERSION OF ADULTING.
(I'd add that if you ask the Dommes who scoff at the ratios (I'm one of them) what they mean they WILL say that a huge percentage of subs online (not in real life, the ratios only EVER apply online) aren't subs as much as fetishists/wankers/fantasists so they don't count. A HUGE percentage of men on sex sites of any sort (whether they ID as submissives or other) are just there for porn, so their presence and self identification skews the numbers BIG TIME. So just as it frustrates you to hear it, it's frustrating to dominant women when submissive men (and it's always the men) whine about it like it's a thing).
Ferns
Thank you, Ferns.
DeleteI do agree that if the fetishists/wankers/fantasists are eliminated the ratio isn't so badly skewed. Unfortunately those types don't seem to avoid contacting Dommes so they do have an impact even if they aren't ever in any kind of serious contention. e.g. Burning someone out to the point where they dread filtering through the mountain of crap in their inbox. If subs find the idea of it daunting I just tell them they should be prepared to try harder.
Sadly, the handful of local BDSM groups (and I am in a fairly large metropolitan area) were also skewed badly in a similar way.
It is a bummer that "enough" of the few subs that do make it through the early stages of the screening process are so unsure of what they want. I could never even imagine ghosting on someone.
Take care.
I know it's disheartening, but in my experience, all the dross in our inboxes makes it super easy to stand out.
DeleteBy the time we have some experience of being on the internet as a dominant woman, and have waded through so much idiocy, we seriously have a bar so low that an articulate monkey could get a positive response.
Ferns
Thank you, Ferns.
DeleteThat is very good to know. My views on it are a bit rooted in the past as I haven't approached anyone about a potential relationship since ~2006 on collarme, but T and I did use that a bit in 2008 to try to find other friends and a brief attempt to locate a 3rd party to play with.
I am rather shy when it comes to approaching others and it usually would take me a few weeks of agonizing to work up the courage to send a message. About half the time things went rather well. The other half received zero response.
When T had posted on her profile she was looking for a femsub she got like 35,000+ messages in 3-4 weeks and a grand total of 1 even partially met the criteria she had written. The first few days it was "fun" when she would read through some of the messages out loud and we would laugh at the idiocy. After a few more days it became progressively less fun.
It did grant a lot of perspective on the things. At its root though, I still have to wonder if it's better to be digging through the barrel trying to find the shiny marble or being one of the barrels trying to make yours look as shiny as possible.
Your words do give me some relief if I ever find myself searching again.
Take care.
Fern's lovely sentence - "By the time we have some experience of being on the internet as a dominant woman, and have waded through so much idiocy, we seriously have a bar so low that an articulate monkey could get a positive response" says it perfectly. I've always preferred the "in person" method, though it is painfully time consuming. I made sure to shock the potential submissive as quickly as possible with a dose of reality as I verbalize what he's in store for. If he runs, it's just as well, and it's a far less waste of my time. These days, just the thought of using the internet to glean out the wannabes gives me the shivers. As far as "ghosting" is concerned, it's reprehensible to be sure. It's the coward's way of solving problems.
DeleteThank you, Lady Grey.
DeleteIt is good to see your thoughts on this.