Saturday, January 14, 2017

Talking about Sex

A recent conversation with a woman friend brought up the topic of libido.

I've always felt a bit out of place in the world since my libido isn't very strong.  I don't really crave sex.  There are times when I want to fantasize and masturbate, but I consider a certain level of horniness to be natural.

Aside from the "I wish I wasn't a virgin" days of growing up, I have never really craved intercourse.  I've always had a strong desire for intimacy, closeness, and whatever that entailed, so sex remained a desirable component, albeit not for the physical pleasure, but for the shared emotional connection with the other party.  This removed any desire for one-night stands and the like.

Somewhere around the age of 20 I began to shed certain ideals of my youth.  Sexual interaction is a necessary and healthy part of most relationships and I had ignored some of that in favor of trying to focus upon how to be emotionally supportive.  As the naivete left I began to inquire more and more about sexuality and the like.  At that time I had many close female friends who trusted me enough to speak about it openly.  They knew I wasn't trying to get into their pants.  As I lacked sexual experience the prospect actually frightened me.

Over the next few years I continued to shift and develop my philosophies on dating, love, and relationships in hope of finding a state of being that was "strong enough" to compensate for my perceived (and actual) shortcomings.  During those same times I developed a bit of an obsession about the female orgasm.  By then I was well-versed with the anatomy, ideas, and principles of the female genitalia, even if I hadn't experienced them truly first hand.

What evolved in my mind was an intense desire to deliver pleasure. It extended beyond the directly sexual realm and into other parts of intimacy such as massages, contact, and even reaching it on an emotional level.  The desire to instill a positive pleasure response in a woman became the strongest form of arousal.  It surpassed my M fantasies and took on a life of it's own. 

I believe it is at this point that the "giver" role of my submission was born.  The desire to pamper, pleasure, and dote upon the one I love... turns me on way more than the thought of sexual intercourse.  Also, when I immerse into subspace from this mental framework, my desire to have an orgasm vanishes.  I am happy with who I am in that mindset... happy with what I can do for her... my heart fills with love and adoration.  I know that if I reach a certain point of sexual arousal (that requires physical contact with my genitals) that my idealized mindset will collapse and I will begin to blindly crave an orgasm.  If that moment passes without an orgasm, I feel guilty and ashamed of falling into that trap.  If it ends with an orgasm I lose the ability to channel that mindset for at least the next 12 hours.

It's an uphill battle that suppresses my desire for sex even more... while it also ramps up my desire to massage, kiss, lick, and fondle the pleasure centers of her body. Strange how any attention to my penis results in some kind of Jekyll/Hyde transformation. 

Are there any others out there that have noticed this from subs?

I do enjoy sex, I just don't crave it.  I try to view it in the same "scientific" way that I approach other forms of orgasm delivery for a woman.  Something that is strange to me is that during sex (if you are facing each other) if a male focuses on getting the most pleasurable contact on his penis and attempting to cum actually moves the penis away from the G-spot.  Similarly, if a man is attempting to hold back from cumming, this points the penis at the G-spot.  I know it's probably not the most romantic thing to envision the G-spot like a bullseye and attempt to hit it over and over again, but it can be rather effective. 

Just some random thoughts.


  1. Interesting post. I have had a few subs who seemingly had little interest in their own orgasms and were much more attuned to servicing my needs and desires whatever they were at that moment. Age was a factor, as the older the sub, the less important their own orgasm was to them. The surprising part of your entry is the fact that at an early age you really had little personal needs or desires for orgasms. That's very unusual in a younger male, and would play havoc with my contention that orgasm control of the male is one of the most basic needs for a Femdom relationship. I consider it vital, yet in your case (as well as the case of any male sub with feelings toward orgasm such as you speak of) it seems that orgasm control would be an ineffective weapon in my arsenal.

    Of course, that's just one aspect of taking control, and indeed if a male felt little need for orgasm and was not that affected by its denial, I'd find other methods of denying him the things he desired. My over-60 sub from years ago had little interest in sex, per se, but he loved to worship my feet, paint my toenails, give foot rubs and full body massages, and just to touch any part of my body with hands or tongue. By denying him those pleasures based on his level of reached discipline and performance in other areas, and making him often painfully earn the privilege of fulfilling his desire to serve me in the ways that did turn him on, I was able to totally control him.

    So in the end, I suppose, and on reflection now that you've made me think about it, I should probably alter my previously stated maxim:"Orgasm control of the male is basic to a Femdom relationship" to something like "Control of the sub's desires is basic to a Femdom relationship". Seems a bit open ended, but it does reflect upon your situation and that of other males not motivated by the need for physical orgasm. Happily, for me at least, that's a rare situation, as I do love controlling those orgasms:)

    1. Thank you, Lady Grey.

      There is a part of me that does have a strong desire to orgasm, it just remains suppressed when I am in service mode.

      Denying that wish is desired most is definitely an effective method of control.

      I did write a follow-up post that elaborates a bit more about it.