Monday, April 5, 2010

Communication Difficulties in D/s Relationships

A chronic problem that I've had plaguing the D/s relationships I've had is difficulty in communication, especially when it comes to making important decisions that will have a strong indirect effect on the relationship.  Dom or sub, no one can always make the right/best decisions all the time.  If you are in the lifestyle submissive role, you have likely given up much (if not all) of your say in the decision-making process.  Either that or your input may be appreciated, but the final call is theirs.

The question that comes into being is:  When should you put your foot down?

A follow up question... or even better, a precursory question would be:  Is it even okay to put your foot down in disagreement?

Answering the second question first, the Female Supremacist (and male "inferiorist") within me says that in a perfect world, it should not be okay for the male in the relationship to adamantly oppose his Domme when she has already made up her mind.  The realist in me says that if a certain decision were to arise that would seriously jeopardize the foundation and trust of the relationship, it is okay for the sub to take a stand against that decision.  That isn't to say that the defiance should go unpunished, just that the Dominant should seriously consider why they are so willing to be in opposition.

In a perfect world this situation would never happen but in reality there are occasions when it does.

This is a half-serious/half-joking example:
Your Dominant and you have been saving for a down payment on a home (or for a retirement fund) and you have accumulated $10,000.  You suggest to invest it in something safe and stable that may have low returns but you are ensured to have at least $10,000 after a couple of years.  Your Dominant decides on a whim that it would be easier to buy 10,000 lottery tickets, win the lottery, and buy your dream home with the millions of dollars in winnings.  Unfortunately, the odds of actually making money while playing the lottery are very slim and the chances of winning the jackpot are astronomically slim.

Should you be opposed?  Unless you have a previously arranged agreement to live in an exciting fashion and put your long-term plans on hold for the future, you probably should be opposed.  The next question is, how far would you be willing to take it?

Are you willing to take a beating for it?  Several severe beatings?  Restraint and isolation?  Torture?

If you have gone through those and still haven't been able to make them change their mind, what is next?  If they said if you wouldn't go along with their decision that they'd give you your half and send you packing, what would you do?

This is where things get difficult.  Hopefully you'll never be in a D/s relationship that goes this far over a questionable decision.  I have been in this position (in regards to choices more realistic than the lottery ticket one) and I can tell you it is a very unpleasant place to be.

Unfortunately in a couple of major cases I had guessed that they would understand why I felt so strongly about things that it might be able to influence their decision.  I was wrong and things ended that day instead of six months from then when the repercussions of their decision would have set in.  I still harbor regret about those times.

I would say it's these types of important decisions that have been my greatest obstacle to overcome in Femdom relationships.  I'm far from perfect but I put a lot of thought into decisions before I make them, exploring as many choices as I can along with their possible and probable outcomes.  Most of the time this feels like more of a weakness than a strength.

Basically, in a D/s relationship, sometimes communication can be difficult.

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