I realized after making my last post that it felt a bit incomplete. I have some more thoughts on the subject that could use some expansion.
I believe the most important factor in the growth of mental sadism is time. Trust comes in at a close second. The changes that occur in both Domme and sub must be nurtured. Standard interactions require time to become ordinary. The freedom for a Domme to experiment and process what is going on within her takes time, confidence, and communication. The sub must trust her enough to subject himself to her whims. She must trust that he can endure what she throws at him.
As things progress, symbolism often takes on a larger role and what an act represents often outweighs the act itself. e.g. to kneel and bow takes relatively little effort. The mental reinforcement of difference in status between Domme and sub ends up being the more important part.
Since well... nearly all of the responsibility for pushing the intensity forward falls upon the Domme, the desire to go farther is heavily dependent upon her growing appreciation for greater symbols of submission and devotion. This is how it touches her heart. I don't pretend to understand the sexual connection of sadism, but I believe things connect when she understands that emotional suffering is as powerful of a tool as physical suffering.
The end result here is that the growth of her sadism always leads, his emotional masochism follows.
Things progress, step by step. Make him feel more helpless, take away more choices, force him to do more things he doesn't like, limit his pleasure, restrain him tighter, and increase his suffering.
After say, 10 years of the lifestyle, it becomes a lot more clear how couples reach the point of prolonged chastity, cuckolding, feminization, TPE, branding, and the like. It doesn't always happen, but the elements seem to always continue down a path towards more extreme events... which keeps things fresh and exciting for both Domme and sub.
There is one important boundary that I think should be considered carefully when reaching the extreme end of the spectrum. I believe a sub can eventually endure just about anything... if he knows the Domme will never leave him as long as he remains loyal, loving, and obedient. This may just be my own block on things, but I tend to believe that if he feels he could be easily cast aside, the insecurity and fear of this act could bring about some severe emotional damage and not desirable in any way. I know in my own case, this is the line where my desire for emotional stress stops and it becomes more of a panic induced neurosis that isn't fun or beneficial for anyone.
In my opinion, your thoughts about time being essential for the development of mental sadism/masochism is exactly right. Time for E/each to process and adjust to the effects of prior dynamics. It builds on itself; feeds on itself.
ReplyDeleteAs you said it requires trust and communication and confidence...or willingness to step into dark waters. Willingness for B/both.
I agree things begin to connect when she understands the power of emotional suffering, but I think that once she does, she realizes it is a far more powerful tool than that of physical suffering.
Yes, for me too, I can endure virtually anything as long as I will never be abandoned. Which does make me ponder how much of all of this goes back to very early experiences.
I’m fine with emotional sadism/masochism being an experiment on Her/O/our part to see where things go, in fact I prefer it that way. But if I believe that there is no deep emotional bond holding U/us together, if she doesn’t find my ongoing sacrifices to be meaningful and bonding, then it is impossible for me to proceed. I just can’t.
At the same time, I can’t help worrying that at deepest levels over time, the dynamic encourages the Domme to see the sub as less and less. As in "Venus in Furs." But at best I can only infer the Domme side and I continue to hope I am wrong about the end game.
Thank you, Watson.
DeleteEmotional is a very powerful tool. I think it becomes a nuclear arsenal if she learns to get aroused by it. As a sub, when it is used in conjunction with physical suffering it brings about feelings of being completely and totally owned.
I do not think the Venus in Furs outcome is the end game TBH, but only a possible end game. I believe that a Domme that is willing and capable of breaking a sub to such a deep extent is also aware enough to value his existence in her life and the depth of his love. These are rare things. I do believe if this path continues, in the natural endgame she will crave a long-term companion that is closer to an equal, either a very close friend or a lover. That being said, cuckolding or poly is most likely the end result and that is what I tend to see around the blogosphere. It is still scary though.
Laughing, but only because you are so right characterizing it as a nuclear arsenal.
ReplyDeleteYeah...cuckolding or poly does seem quite likely for many reasons...
I agree there is hope of remaining close, I cling to that hope.
:)
DeleteI do believe that the closeness seems to remain. The blogs I have come across and people that I stumble upon in this type of lifestyle tend to remain very close. Sexually they often turn into a masturbation tool that is better described as "getting used" than "making love," but the care, love, and appreciation tends to remain.
I had to chuckle when I read this entry, fur, having given you Karl's side of this matter in your previous blog. Seems you both agree that a long term relationship is essential here. As to the "nuclear arsenal", I might remind you and Watson that there are those of us who didn't have to "learn" to get aroused by it. It exists as a given in a natural Dom, and as such, I can assure you that the sub doesn't become "less and less" as the progression occurs if there is a true emotional connection or love between the two involved. Quite the contrary. The emotional surrender involved in that sort of masochism, apart from the physical surrender, is a very touching thing from my end of the spectrum. In a real sense, it's a gift from the sub to his Dom, and would never result in my feeling "less" of the sub. Yes, there are certainly Doms who would allow the Venus in Furs type of ending, but I must say that I have no respect for them and would feel only pity for the sub who happened to bear the brunt of the emotional damage that would ensue.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Lady Grey.
DeleteI think the Dommes that go this deep into D/s probably all get aroused by it, I just know for many it takes repeated time an experiences to relax their limiters and enthusiastically enjoy it guilt free.
Having witnessed first hand a Domme testing the waters, dipping in a toe, another toe, then taking the plunge, I must say it is terrifyingly exhilarating.
I am glad to hear that you believe this type of surrender tends to strengthen emotional bonds. I have felt this way too, to the extent that I could not imagine life without them.