Monday, April 17, 2017

30 Days of submission: Day 28

Has your submission ever let you down? 

Yes.  There have been a time or two where I was unable to get over a mental hurdle and be what she wanted me to be.  This happened when I had hard limits in place but having them made me feel inadequate as a sub.  I would eventually drop those hard limits but I felt bad, inadequate, and inferior before doing so.

Have you ever been criticized for your submission? 

I have.  I have had many aspects of it criticized by others, most of whom felt my "version" of submission didn't mesh with their views of it.  These people were content to throw stones and were not interested in talking about the differences and/or sources of our views.  Usually this has been in regards to being "too submissive," seeing me as a doormat, or calling me misogynistic for how forced feminization is a part of my lifestyle.

I should add that I have been complimented on it more often than criticized.

Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? 

A handful of times.   Mostly in the context of having a very serious discussion about a topic that was important to vanilla life or had a heavy bearing on the relationship and they played the "but you're the sub" card.  It is not a good feeling.

Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that?

Yes.  I don't err frequently but I am not perfect.  Generally when this happens I beat myself up inside and work like hell on improving and never making the same mistake twice.  It helps me out quite a bit if punishment unburdens me of this guilt.


  1. Dear fur,

    Punishment can most definitely help to purge the feelings that can come from knowing you've done something wrong. I think it's quite a natural reaction for people to beat themselves up and that thought and feeling you've disappointed can often be punishment enough, but a physical punishment can most definitely wipe the slate clean. For both.

    Having hard limits doesn't make one inferior, I'm sorry that you felt that way and that you also felt a need to drop those limits to stop those feelings. Someone's limits should be respected and no-one should ever be made to feel that having them makes them inferior in any way.

    Best, Kat

    1. Thank you, Kat.

      Without the physical punishment, the internal punishment tends to continue far too long... which is one of the problems with being a perfectionist I guess.

      The hard limit factor only arose twice. Once when F was talking about her evolving views on chastity and thinking that male subs deserve somewhere between 0-2 orgasms per year. As of that time (and it is still a problem today) I was unable to find a device that would work out for longer than ~72 hours before it started to cause problems. When she made a comment about how a "worthy slave" would be able to make do I felt my confidence shrink. Our relationship ended before that really progressed beyond that point.

      The bigger problem happened with T that I wrote about in reflections. When we got together I knew that pegging was her #1 kink and that anal play was on my hard limit list. I agreed to allow her to get her fix by playing with others. I never anticipated that she would start spending more time with others than with me. It was a bit about jealousy, insecurity, and my needs not being met that I was willing to relax that limit. I remember the feelings being those of "I'm not enough... I need to do whatever it takes to be enough." It really wasn't a good place to be in but it forced me to weigh the importance of my own feelings/limits against her desires. I don't regret it, but the process wasn't very good for the soul.

      I do believe that in most cases if I was told to choose between my hard limits or being rejected due to lack kink compatibility, I would probably fold on my limits. That isn't necessarily a healthy choice, just know one that I would probably make in most cases.

      Take care.