Monday, April 17, 2017

Putting the pieces together of my submission's slavespace

I've been writing a lot about the past memories and events.  I've been talking to a lot of people about them.  I've been a bit patient with it, not forcing an outcome but not really content with confusion either.  Some tests have shown that my slavespace does still exist... it just takes a little bit more work than before and I'm still not more clear on whether or not this is a little space.  Thankfully I have my Wordpress blog where I haven't been sharing those posts that gave me an alternate venue to write about it in without seeming like a broken record here. 

Last night I wrote a summary post on WP and I mad the realization that I had been searching for. 
I know that outlining this probably won't be all that interesting for some, but I'm doing it mostly for me.  Also of note, this is not the only way I can achieve slavespace, just the easiest and most common route and the one that I was afraid I had lost.

To get started, it's probably easiest to just rattle off a list of what I call traumatic triggers.  Basically, these are just triggers that are related to the emotional damage that I received while young.  To the best of my knowledge, these primarily include:
  • Sexual humiliation - having my genitalia made fun of or rejected.
  • Being ostracized - feeling like an outcast by (kink) shaming, my appearance, being inferior/inadequate, etc.
  • Being forced to wear women's/girl's clothing most notably of the winter variety and with an emphasis on hats, earmuffs, mittens, etc.
  • Being forced to wear or touch fur.
  • Bondage - especially the type where I am still expected to perform actions with restraints.  This includes anything that I cannot remove on my own.
  • Symbols of control - These can be verbal, physical, rules, ideas, or actions.
  • Outrageously demanding expectations - no rewards for success, only punishments for failure.
  • "Dangled" affection - acceptance must be earned and can be withheld at any time.
Many of these will not send me directly into slavespace.  Some of them will breed resistance more than submission if I am not already in some form of moderate to deep subspace. 

What all of these have in common is that they all bring about anxiety that stems from the fears and pain of my younger self.  All of these have the ability deepen the effects of slavespace and make me more submissive, obedient, and more eager to please.  They all have something else in common: my rational self does not want these things.  When one (or more) of them is forced upon me, it pushes me to accept an unpleasant outcome that is beyond my control, which in turn breaks my will and leads to my surrender.  Stacking one upon another begins to increase the depth of my surrender as I accept a sense of utter helplessness.  These do, however, mostly require an existing level of subspace that is susceptible to being pushed in such a way.

Three of these factors have the ability to bring about slavespace (or at least a very deep form of subspace).  The three that act as the keys are being forced to wear women's winter clothing, bondage, and symbols of control.  It took me a long while to understand why it was these three and not any or all of them that were more effective than the others until I realized that I created these unknowingly.  These were the three that M used in her bondage games: she made me wear a hat, she tied me up, and she gave me a strict set of rules to follow.  Masturbating 1,000+ times while fantasizing about this managed to fetishize this.  Solidifying these triggers were my own fault.

When one or more of these key triggers are applied, my mind buckles and I surrender without much resistance.  The one who initiates this becomes the authority figure and the personification of my surrender.  They become all-powerful and their word is law.  I tremble before them like a frightened child, neurotically trying to please them.  The more factors they introduce, the more anxiety I feel and the harder I try to be perfect for them.  I slide farther and farther away from the self that I know and become that terrified little boy desperately wanting to make her happy.  The erection is because of the fetishizing. 

Beyond those factors, preying on the associated fears will also build anxiety within me.  Often these are verbal phrases like "I like you better this way," or This is for your own good."  In addition to increasing the fear, these types of phrases also validate the fears, and the authority figure becomes the one and only person in the world who would accept me.  I then view them as the only person in the world that matters and the only person that would love me.  The end result is that I am willing to endure and accept anything from them because it keeps me safely within her grasp.  In fact, the more she "ensures" my obedience to her, the more I love her.  I would jump through hoops for her... walk through fire for her... and deny myself any pleasure... simply to feel her arms around me as she tells me that I belong to her. 

This might seem kind of screwed up in some ways but it's the best understanding I can come to about how this works inside.  I'm not even consciously aware of what is happening while it happens... I can only see this in hindsight from an outside perspective.  I'm curious if I could be pushed into this slavespace without these keys but I have never experienced without some of them present. 

I hope I was able to communicate this clearly.  It made a lot more sense in my head but seemed to go a bit more all over the place when I tried to put it to paper.


  1. So now that all the pieces have come together, how do you feel?

    1. Thank you, Misty.

      I feel a bit relieved and a touch more confident. Feelings beyond that are yet to be seen.

      Take care.