Monday, September 25, 2017

Random thoughts on arousal

Something I have struggled with greatly over the years has been coming to terms with what arouses me.  By struggled, I mean, I have never come to terms with it.  In my youth it was the cycle of masturbation followed by shame followed by denial that would just loop over and over again.  As much as I had hoped that my fantasies would become more normal over time, the opposite happened and the extremity of my perversions only grew stronger. 

This continued for years.  Unable to cope with fantasies I knew were deviant and abnormal, I would go into a frenzy, feed the beast, and at some point of wallowing in shame I would try to purge it from me.  As this began at a young age, the prospect of serious dating was a bit terrifying.  As much as I wanted someone to love and be in love, I dreaded what would happen if I was unable to perform sexually to more standard sexual situations. 

I know that many individuals wired for kink are able to maintain their sexual vigor with vanilla sex.  I envy those people.  I'm guessing that those of you who find yourselves in a boat similar to mine have probably struggled with similar feelings.

I don't expect this to ever really change for me.  It doesn't really matter to me either.  I never plan to vanilla date ever again and being kink-shamed by a Domme actually feeds my submissive mental space. 

I will fully admit that I have a brazen double-standard when it comes to being comfortable with kink.  When I have chatted with dominants about this topic, I have no problem with and genuinely feel that their arousal to non-standard acts is what makes them special.  It's sexy, attractive, and unique.  Their kinks are normal, desirable, and the way things should be.  They should make her proud to have them.

On the other hand, my arousal is weird.  My kinks make me feel like an abnormal and perverse sexual deviant, as well they should.  I should be haunted and tormented with constant reminders of how different I am and should feel lucky every day that a woman exists that tolerates me when the rest of the world would not.  While some have tried to comfort me about this over the years it never really convinces me otherwise as my psyche seems to be absolutely convinced of it.  The closest to comfort that my brain seems to accept without resistance is the notion that my arousal doesn't matter since my penis belongs locked in chastity and doesn't deserve to have orgasms anyways.

This might not be a bastion of my own mental health but it seems to work okay in my brain.

2 comments:

  1. How interesting! Are you saying that you can't imagine yourself functioning (by which I suppose I mean "performing the act") within a vanilla sex situation, or just that you have no desire to? My husband functioned for many years in a vanilla situation with his previous wife despite secretly desiring the D/s lifestyle he currently finds himself in with me.

    Your post caused me to ask him point blank if he could once again function without the kink. As in, "in case I'm run over by a truck and cease to exist", could you once again revert to a vanilla sexual situation with a new woman? "Not a chance" said he. "I can't imagine settling for that again, and it would be hypocritical of me to ignore my true self. Now that I've tasted fine wine, it's no longer possible to go back to Ripple".

    You survived the Ripple days, as did Karl, and you shouldn't still be struggling with any feelings of "I'm a pervert" guilt. As to deserving orgasms, of course you do. It just takes the right Dom to show you that despite deserving them, she's not going to allow you to have them. Now isn't that a much more tasty proposition:)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Lady Grey.

      I am unable to physically perform in a vanilla setting or "top" position. Every sexual experience I have ever had has happened within a D/s setting. This includes fantasy in my head as even my first experiences with self-maintenance were with thinking about M dominating me. Since I have been in the lifestyle I have been asked to perform missionary with me on top as well as doggie style and I failed to rise to the occasion. It was rather embarrassing. I would assume that this makes me an unsuitable partner for a vanilla relationship even if it was something that I desired (which I do not).

      I sort of wish I had some ripple days. I went from dry straight to fine wine :)

      "It just takes the right Dom to show you that despite deserving them, she's not going to allow you to have them."

      This line has left me blushing profusely with my head down.

      Thank you, Lady Grey.

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