When we say, “slow down,” this is what we mean

Note:  So I got sick this weekend and I’ve had a fever all day.  Apparently writing with a fever makes me sound like an arrogant douche bag… or at least that’s my own personal impression of the last post or two that I made. 

My apologies if either of them came off that way, my brain is feeling pretty cloudy and lacking in the eloquence department.  I hope you can accept the message and forgive my lack of tact in its presentation.

I was recently helping someone with the advice to “slow down,” in a newer D/s relationship.  This advice is really difficult for many people to accept.  Or I guess a better way of putting it, this advice is very difficult to apply, because it is hard for people to understand the reasons behind it.
A lot of the wisdom the veterans try to impart upon the newer people are lessons that take time to learn.  Just telling someone the answers isn’t the same as getting them to understand why those are the answers.  The problem with knowing just the answers is that people can find it artificially empowering.  “I know what it is supposed to be, no problem.”  Unfortunately a lot of concepts and mindsets require growing into.  They need to put the pieces together in order to know why they are there and what it does.

I get down on a lot of cliches in BDSM because by the time they hit the masses as common knowledge, it’s easy to recite the words, but hardly any thought is put into the meaning.  “This is the way things are.”

The other night I described it in a way that might be helpful for some.  If you remember math class, you might remember that each chapter covered a particular theme and then that chapter was broken down into sections.

The early sections gave you the basic formulas and theorems of the theme and they gradually built upon them to reach the more advanced versions.  You didn’t do it all at once.  Section one gave you a basic formula.  You would then do 30 practice problems applying that formula.  The second section built upon the first, adding a variation or additional concept.  You would then do 30 practice problems applying those new concepts to the old.  This repeated until completing section 10.  By the time you were there, you had put the theme into practical application ~300 times.  The pieces fit together.  You understood how you got there.  You understood how to use it.  What followed was the chapter test, forcing you to apply those concepts and solve problems.

You may have known people who skipped all of the practice problems because they had a note card full of formulas you were allowed to have with you.  While they may have been able to solve many of the problems correctly, they likely didn’t have as thorough of an understanding as the people who went through the work.  If they did that for the entire length of the course… they often struggled like hell on the final.

What happens in D/s is that the final is your life.  When people start charging head-long towards 24/7 because they “have the answers,” they are rushing in without a complete understanding.  They have their note card without the formulas, but without the practice necessary to master the material and grasp total understanding of the concepts.

Building it up, step by step, ensures that you have a solid foundation to work from.  It ensures that everything you have going is functional and practical for the both of you.  Those who have gone through it understand that the idea of “we are supposed to be here _______,” doesn’t really exist.  You are what you build and create and the pace and direction that matches your growth.   Trying to skip those steps can lead to a lot of hurt feelings and a lot of damage.