An Intro to F/m – Part 4

Continuation of this series… this post most closely relates to Part 2.

In M/f you will find a lot of subs that struggle with being “starved.”  That is, there aren’t enough D/s dynamics in place to consistently push them into submissive mental space and they will begin to ache for dominance.  This is most common for existing relationships that have introduced D/s at a later date where the dominant doesn’t embrace exerting control.  The consensus for dealing with this matter is to continue to keep communication lines open between dominant and sub and eventually a happy medium will be established that keeps a sub from reaching the point where they act out due to starvation.

In F/m you will find a mix of relationships that were D/s out of the gate and ones who have attempted to add D/s into an existing relationship.  In both types of relationships you will find dominants that prefer the self-motivated compliance route as well as the ones that enjoy exercising strict control.
F/m relationships involving strict control rarely end up with subs aching for dominance.  In fact, there’s actually a tendency in these situations to evolve well beyond the sub’s comfort zone, frequently reaching a point of anguish for the sub.  While this may unsettle the sub in the short run, they tend to adapt and this process repeats itself with the dominant becoming more dominant and the submissive becoming more submissive.

The compliance style is where you will find more starving subs, and again, this is more common in relationships where D/s was added to an existing relationship.  The contrasting difference in F/m is that there are severely negative views on male subs that ache.  There are also lifestyle philosophies that have been developed around this.

In the absence of a labeled philosophy, a common view of a sub craving more dominance is that the sub is being selfish.  The Domme will provide as much dominance as she cares to and should not be expected to go beyond that.  Catering to a sub’s desires is not dominant and she should not be expected to do so.  It is on the sub to find a way to manage and be grateful for what she chooses to give him rather than pine for what she doesn’t.  It isn’t really up for discussion and the sub should rid himself of any cravings.

Separately, there are philosophical movements out there that often give themselves the label of FLR, FLM, WLM, and the like that grew out of the writings of Elise Sutton, Lady Misato, and others.  Originally these ideas clashed with the BDSM principles because of the lack of consent, but as of late they have become much more popular as people have sought ways to push F/m without the kink associations.

For those who are unfamiliar with this style the concept is simple:  the woman holds absolute power and authority and is the focal point of the relationship.  She may exert any type of control she wishes without limits and the man is expected to comply to her will with absolute devotion.  He should have no desires except to make her happy.  He is expected to be selfless, motivated purely out of love, and being permitted to serve a dominant woman is the only reward he should seek or expect.   There is no need to punish because he always obeys.

She may control his finances, how he spends his free time, who he is allowed to see or interact with, and so on.  It is common that he will take care of the mundane tasks:  cooking, cleaning, chores, yard work, grocery shopping, etc.  Some male subs take to this quite well, find their groove, and flow with it in peace.

Other subs struggle with it for a number of reasons.  Most of this dominance is passive dominance.  There isn’t some great reward waiting at the end of the rainbow.  Kink is often completely absent and so it doesn’t do much to feed his fantasy desires.  The style of dominance may or may not do anything to push him into a submissive mental space.  If he aches, tough shit, this is what he wanted.  If he wants more, tough shit, this is how she does it.  If he openly desires more he is seen as fake.  If he was genuinely wanting to submit, this would be enough.

People may have mixed views upon this.  I find it difficult because it tends to only focus on things being fulfilling to the dominant and that is meant to be enough to be fulfilling to the sub as well.  It is interesting in principle but actually implementing it as a long-term lifestyle doesn’t leave a lot of room for problems that may arise or means to solve them.  I might be biased a bit negatively as a number of blogs of this nature tend to ignore or downplay the value of a sub (and I can’t tell if it is posturing or true belief).

This is another one of the differences between M/f and F/m where there isn’t much crossover.