Thoughts on Starting Over

I can’t help but be envious of those who have been able to share all of their D/s experiences with a single partner.  I’m also envious of those who have been deemed desirable enough by the world at large to know that they find vanilla relationships unfulfilling in comparison.  Over the course of my life I cannot say that either of those scenarios were in the cards for me.

While my kinks were determined by a number of early experiences, much of my submissive outlook and mindset were crafted during years of loneliness and repeated rejection.  Looking back I find it almost comical that my pursuit of actualizing my ideal vision of a lover created the foundation of what would become my submission.

Circumstances have forced me to start over and over, keeping me readily aware of of the D/s “climate” on the F/m front.  It is incredibly difficult to find an available Domme that is looking for a life partner.  The majority of the subs that find one don’t squander the opportunity.  The end result is that most of the opportunities are with newer Dommes.

I’m not opposed to newer Dommes.  Two of my three relationships were with Dommes who hadn’t been in the role for more than a year and I was their first serious submissive.  In some ways it probably works out better.  Veteran Dommes often find it easier to work with relatively inexperienced subs that they can shape into their perfect match.  Newer Dommes still have a lot to experience, and while they still have a good part of the learning curve left, their style of dominance is still a work in progress and they are often more flexible in what they are looking for.  While neither of these are set in stone rules, they are just my observations that I have made over the years.

There is often a lot of talk about fit and kink overlap.  I tend to look for a personal connection under my naive belief that love can conquer all.

However, love requires being given a chance.  I find dating to be like… the most terrifying thing on the planet.  I’m not pretty enough.  When I get nervous, I talk too much.  I have this need to act with pure motives, so I am terrified to approach anyone without having a genuine reason.

On the D/s side, I’m worried that I will seem way too fucked up for someone.  I already know that my kinks area kind of out there.  I know that my desired level of submission is a bit too intense for many (and is currently “out of style” with what is popular).  I’ve always been prepared to make significant compromises.  I’m ultimately adaptable… probably because I care more about being able to love someone than about any act or activity.

While there are a handful of “deal breakers” for me, I believe most of them are reasonable for someone seeking a long-term monogamous relationship.  There is one breaker out there though that I have come to and it’s something that wasn’t really a factor for my first 10+ years in the lifestyle, and that is the idea of Dommes that don’t care about their sub’s submissive mental space.  Years ago this seemed more like the exception… but more recently it has become a trend… and it is a trend that follows a philosophy… which makes it into a belief… and beliefs don’t change much once established.

There are a lot of things that I love to do.  There are other things that I don’t care to do, but willingly do them.  Submissive mental space is often the bridge that turns those less desirable activities into extremely fulfilling activities.  I don’t NEED it, but it makes everything feel a lot more pleasant.  The idea that my submission and service are cheapened by desiring to be in subspace doesn’t sit that well with me.  It’s not like I won’t comply without it, it’s more that it makes a lot of life feel better.  I would think that the one I love would wish to grant me that favor.

Ideally I would find a Domme that enjoys pressing me into subspace and keeping me there.  I would like it to bring her joy to know that I can be easily twisted and manipulated in that way and cannot resist her.  I know that this is an unpopular sentiment these days.  It doesn’t change me from desiring it.