I crave a free mind.
No distractions.
Pure focus.
Absolute passion.
Absolute devotion.
Absolute adoration.
Absolute love.
I ache to touch, to feel, and to be close.
I ache to be the one in your eyes.
This is my free mind.
It isn't free at all, it's just as I want it to be.
Possess me like a cherished keepsake.
Be my everything.
This is how I feel when I say, "I love you."
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
Monday, May 8, 2017
Why isn't there more writing about the mental aspects of D/s?
Why isn't there more writing about the mental aspects of D/s?
I find this completely puzzling as there are often carefully crafted relationship dynamics in place with the goal of keeping a sub twisting in deep subspace and a Domme maintaining a heightened Domspace. I find it fascinating how people manage to keep a sub enduring through hardships that seem better suited for an abused step-child in a fairy tale yet they are in love, emotionally fulfilled, and happy. I find it fascinating how Dommes turn themselves on and increase their dominant desires by keeping a man under her thumb and finding new ways to suppress, crush, and exploit his ego.
I only know a handful of bloggers that confront these topics head on. I wish this weren't the case but I also wonder why.
A theory I received recently in response to some comments left on a blog was that understanding the mental aspects requires thought and that "most" people don't put the thought in.
Another theory I've read is that unless someone is a switch, it's just too hard for someone to understand what is going on in the other role.
I don't think this is an easy topic. I think that a lot of people have trouble sifting through confusing and often conflicting emotions and that articulating it can be a challenge. Difficult doesn't mean impossible. If someone isn't interested enough to take on the challenge, that I can understand completely.
The "accepting" ideal from BDSM communities tends to stifle this as well. "Your kink is not my kink" or "I like what I like" actually discourages conversation and attempts at understanding. I can understand this as an idea for people trying to grow comfortable with deviant interests, but don't more people get curious as to why they like what they like? Or also, why they don't like something else?
I've also found people that follow a train of thought that everything we experience is unique so it doesn't do much good to talk about it. While it is true that people have specific triggers that act as turn ons or turn offs, think people are more similar than they are different when you get to the core of it. Pretty much every written account of slavespace I have ever read was pretty damn similar. When sadistic and controlling Dommes start talking about the symbolism behind an act that turns them on, the way they describe it is pretty damn similar (even when the acts differ completely).
Do people struggle to see beyond the specific act and find the nature of D/s? Or are people just so bad at separating themselves from a specific kink to where they are unable to describe it adequately? I don't know.
As for being unable to understand the opposing role, do we actually have to completely get it in order to find it interesting? On its most basic levels, triggers are just cause and effect and repeated use of certain activities eventually breeds trends and consistent behaviors. It is probably a bit easier to read submissive males because well, it's pretty obvious when something affects them. If an act fuels their subspace, they get an erection. If an act deepens their subspace, they will get more shy, docile, and obedient. Sorting out activities that garner reactions by their "essences" should give a pretty easy road map on how to control a sub's mental state.
Reading Dommes are a bit more difficult. Based upon her choices of activities you can see what appeals to her. Finding the essences of those activities should give a good idea of what D/s concepts/principles/ideals speak to her. The reason why this read is harder is that there are fewer obvious cues to look for. I can tell when a Domme is thriving in Domspace by her eyes (they look "predatory") but beyond that, it's all a crapshoot because the more intense she gets, the better she is at masking her aura and intent. That is, in many cases the more aroused, empowered, and in control she feels, the more she is able to hide and/or deceive a sub while keeping true intentions hidden.
I do believe that a good number of people within the lifestyle understand the symbolism and ways that it fuels their own space. I really wish they would talk about it more as I really do enjoy reading and conversing about it.
I find this completely puzzling as there are often carefully crafted relationship dynamics in place with the goal of keeping a sub twisting in deep subspace and a Domme maintaining a heightened Domspace. I find it fascinating how people manage to keep a sub enduring through hardships that seem better suited for an abused step-child in a fairy tale yet they are in love, emotionally fulfilled, and happy. I find it fascinating how Dommes turn themselves on and increase their dominant desires by keeping a man under her thumb and finding new ways to suppress, crush, and exploit his ego.
I only know a handful of bloggers that confront these topics head on. I wish this weren't the case but I also wonder why.
A theory I received recently in response to some comments left on a blog was that understanding the mental aspects requires thought and that "most" people don't put the thought in.
Another theory I've read is that unless someone is a switch, it's just too hard for someone to understand what is going on in the other role.
I don't think this is an easy topic. I think that a lot of people have trouble sifting through confusing and often conflicting emotions and that articulating it can be a challenge. Difficult doesn't mean impossible. If someone isn't interested enough to take on the challenge, that I can understand completely.
The "accepting" ideal from BDSM communities tends to stifle this as well. "Your kink is not my kink" or "I like what I like" actually discourages conversation and attempts at understanding. I can understand this as an idea for people trying to grow comfortable with deviant interests, but don't more people get curious as to why they like what they like? Or also, why they don't like something else?
I've also found people that follow a train of thought that everything we experience is unique so it doesn't do much good to talk about it. While it is true that people have specific triggers that act as turn ons or turn offs, think people are more similar than they are different when you get to the core of it. Pretty much every written account of slavespace I have ever read was pretty damn similar. When sadistic and controlling Dommes start talking about the symbolism behind an act that turns them on, the way they describe it is pretty damn similar (even when the acts differ completely).
Do people struggle to see beyond the specific act and find the nature of D/s? Or are people just so bad at separating themselves from a specific kink to where they are unable to describe it adequately? I don't know.
As for being unable to understand the opposing role, do we actually have to completely get it in order to find it interesting? On its most basic levels, triggers are just cause and effect and repeated use of certain activities eventually breeds trends and consistent behaviors. It is probably a bit easier to read submissive males because well, it's pretty obvious when something affects them. If an act fuels their subspace, they get an erection. If an act deepens their subspace, they will get more shy, docile, and obedient. Sorting out activities that garner reactions by their "essences" should give a pretty easy road map on how to control a sub's mental state.
Reading Dommes are a bit more difficult. Based upon her choices of activities you can see what appeals to her. Finding the essences of those activities should give a good idea of what D/s concepts/principles/ideals speak to her. The reason why this read is harder is that there are fewer obvious cues to look for. I can tell when a Domme is thriving in Domspace by her eyes (they look "predatory") but beyond that, it's all a crapshoot because the more intense she gets, the better she is at masking her aura and intent. That is, in many cases the more aroused, empowered, and in control she feels, the more she is able to hide and/or deceive a sub while keeping true intentions hidden.
I do believe that a good number of people within the lifestyle understand the symbolism and ways that it fuels their own space. I really wish they would talk about it more as I really do enjoy reading and conversing about it.
Random Perversions: New (to me) Bondage Gear
I haven't purchased any new gear but after hunting for a link to the "How may I help you?" gag I ended up finding the primary site of the company that makes them, Scott Paul Designs.
I had remembered that the gag wasn't of the locking variety so it wasn't as interesting as it could have been but on the parent site there is a locking option for $5 more.
If you aren't familiar with the gag, it's actually called the Humiliator gag and it features a front attachment point that allows for a variety of different devices to be attached to the gag. The list includes: serving tray, toilet paper dispenser, toilet brush, feather duster, butt plug, nail brush, ash tray, document clip, eye ring, boot brush, vac-u-lock plug, dildo, dish brush, suction cup, snap hook, floor scrub brush, coat hook, and T-connector with optional wrist restraints. There is also a wall/floor plate that can be mounted so that you can restrain your sub by their face to wherever it is bolted.
They also offer it in a chest harness version:
Interesting and creative bondage devices tend to pique my interest quite a bit, especially things that get near the dark realm of my dream bondage devices and the like. While spending more time on the site I found a handful of things that were rather interesting, one of which was a wire mesh penis covering called the Cruel Condom intended to cause discomfort/pain to the wearer if friction is applied.
While browsing everything I found an item that is probably my favorite thing they offered. They call it the One-Way Magic Blindfold. Assuming it works as advertised, it is a pair of clear goggles that people on the outside can see the sub's eyes clearly to see what they are looking at or their expressions/reactions but the wearer has their vision severely blurred to where they can likely make out basic shapes and colors but see nothing clearly or in detail. This one makes my head spin as it is rather devious and clever. I can imagine being kept in these for an extended period would cause a lot of brain confusion. If you are blindfolded your other senses take over and you generally resign yourself mentally to not being able to see. I would have to wonder if the wearer would eventually just shut their eyes or if there would be a temptation to try to see and continuously struggling in their mind.
Interesting stuff.
I had remembered that the gag wasn't of the locking variety so it wasn't as interesting as it could have been but on the parent site there is a locking option for $5 more.
If you aren't familiar with the gag, it's actually called the Humiliator gag and it features a front attachment point that allows for a variety of different devices to be attached to the gag. The list includes: serving tray, toilet paper dispenser, toilet brush, feather duster, butt plug, nail brush, ash tray, document clip, eye ring, boot brush, vac-u-lock plug, dildo, dish brush, suction cup, snap hook, floor scrub brush, coat hook, and T-connector with optional wrist restraints. There is also a wall/floor plate that can be mounted so that you can restrain your sub by their face to wherever it is bolted.
They also offer it in a chest harness version:
Interesting and creative bondage devices tend to pique my interest quite a bit, especially things that get near the dark realm of my dream bondage devices and the like. While spending more time on the site I found a handful of things that were rather interesting, one of which was a wire mesh penis covering called the Cruel Condom intended to cause discomfort/pain to the wearer if friction is applied.
While browsing everything I found an item that is probably my favorite thing they offered. They call it the One-Way Magic Blindfold. Assuming it works as advertised, it is a pair of clear goggles that people on the outside can see the sub's eyes clearly to see what they are looking at or their expressions/reactions but the wearer has their vision severely blurred to where they can likely make out basic shapes and colors but see nothing clearly or in detail. This one makes my head spin as it is rather devious and clever. I can imagine being kept in these for an extended period would cause a lot of brain confusion. If you are blindfolded your other senses take over and you generally resign yourself mentally to not being able to see. I would have to wonder if the wearer would eventually just shut their eyes or if there would be a temptation to try to see and continuously struggling in their mind.
Interesting stuff.
Saturday, May 6, 2017
SPH: Tee Ball for Humiliation
Small Penis Humiliation (SPH) is a fascinating topic to me because of how blown out of proportion penis insecurity is.
At its core fall two basic principles:
With that in mind, really the great fear becomes sexual proficiency.
This is where it really gets weird. I'm not big, but I have endurance for days and excellent G-spot aim. One hour? No problem. Two hours? No problem. Making her cum? No problem. I also have a talented mouth/tongue, dexterous fingers, and I pay attention to every response from her body, paying special attention to certain muscles, the depth and pace of her breathing, and so on. I'm quite confident in my level of sexual proficiency.
With that in mind, any mention (or implied comment) of its size and I'm immediately sent spiraling into the subspace abyss. Wave after wave of shame crashes down, pummeling my ego into nothingness. Within seconds I'm in that deep space where I'm driven to try my hardest... to prove that I'm good enough by any means necessary.
It's so easy... it's like tee ball. The fact that I know all of this and that it still works is sort of silly. It's even more screwed up that it gives me an erection.
I did actually find a new small penis name today that gave me a good chuckle: Penisn't
At its core fall two basic principles:
- Your penis size is inadequate to the point for you to exercise sexual proficiency.
- Other people will shame you if they see it.
With that in mind, really the great fear becomes sexual proficiency.
This is where it really gets weird. I'm not big, but I have endurance for days and excellent G-spot aim. One hour? No problem. Two hours? No problem. Making her cum? No problem. I also have a talented mouth/tongue, dexterous fingers, and I pay attention to every response from her body, paying special attention to certain muscles, the depth and pace of her breathing, and so on. I'm quite confident in my level of sexual proficiency.
With that in mind, any mention (or implied comment) of its size and I'm immediately sent spiraling into the subspace abyss. Wave after wave of shame crashes down, pummeling my ego into nothingness. Within seconds I'm in that deep space where I'm driven to try my hardest... to prove that I'm good enough by any means necessary.
It's so easy... it's like tee ball. The fact that I know all of this and that it still works is sort of silly. It's even more screwed up that it gives me an erection.
I did actually find a new small penis name today that gave me a good chuckle: Penisn't
Domestic Service: Adulting for Two
Yesterday's post on An Expectation of Service was inspired by a conversation with a Domme friend and it got a bit twisted up as I ended up covering why I recommend every single sub to be willing to perform domestic service as well as the way that I fetishize it in my own head. I went ahead and hit publish even though I wasn't particularly happy with how it turned out because I figured it was better to hit publish than delete the draft.
After mulling over what I wrote I realize that I missed probably the most important point. That is, if anything, for this reason alone, all subs should be willing to perform domestic service on at least a basic to moderate level.
Domestic service is just adulting.
If you have lived alone you have had to take care of your own laundry, cleaning, cooking, and chores. It goes with the territory known as "survival" and "not being a disgusting slob." Assuming you are single and wish to eventually not be single, having these skills go a long ways in attracting a life partner.
The crucial differences between living alone and domestic service are:
Honestly, I suck at writing about this topic so I will likely try to avoid it in the future.
After mulling over what I wrote I realize that I missed probably the most important point. That is, if anything, for this reason alone, all subs should be willing to perform domestic service on at least a basic to moderate level.
Domestic service is just adulting.
If you have lived alone you have had to take care of your own laundry, cleaning, cooking, and chores. It goes with the territory known as "survival" and "not being a disgusting slob." Assuming you are single and wish to eventually not be single, having these skills go a long ways in attracting a life partner.
The crucial differences between living alone and domestic service are:
- You are now doing those things for two people.
- The frequency and thoroughness with which you perform said chores are no longer up to you. If she holds a higher standard than you do, it's probably closer to the way things "should" be.
Honestly, I suck at writing about this topic so I will likely try to avoid it in the future.
An Expectation of Service
I have been thinking a lot about the D/s lifestyle lately and after giving a couple of subs some advice on how to attract a Dominant woman for a long-term relationship and I realize just how far removed I am in my mind from the realm of BDSM relationships where kink is defined and the idea of consensual mutual pleasure is a defining factor.
Namely, I do not picture a lifestyle that doesn't involve domestic service. While there are service submissives out there that get their kink from doing chores (often thanklessly), I unfortunately am not wired that way. I don't mind cooking but cleaning/housekeeping, landscaping, and the like are not my cup of tea. There are also times where I don't even feel like cooking and would rather get take-out, delivery, or eat at a restaurant. While I do not want to do those things, I am willing to do those things. They can even be somewhat enjoyable if the right factors are in place to make them fuel my subspace, but truthfully I see service as part of the role of being a lifestyle submissive.
There are a lot of subs out there that enjoy sexual service, pampering, and body worship. While that is closer to being service-oriented than someone that just wants to be tied down and whipped, the idea of service becomes a bit of a gray area.
True service-oriented subs that also are "life partner" material are sort of a rarity out there. Requiring someone to be of this type also limits the potential of many subs, never giving them the chance to rise to the occasion. The BDSM ideal of kink-overlap also sort of undermines the idea of a sub that is willing but doesn't desire it. It is kind of strange in that way as it's so damn hard to find a compatible partner, I don't feel it has to be made even harder by unicorn hunting. A difference between the willing sub and the sub with true service desires is whether or not any amount of external motivation is needed.
It's true that not every Domme expects a sub to provide domestic service. It's also true that a lot of them do. I think this is why when I advise single subs that they should be willing or it reduces potential interest without it.
In my own twisted brain I have found a way to fetishize it. It drives my subspace to have the decision of domestic chores made for me regardless of how I feel about them. It drives my subspace to have consequences for not fulfilling my duties within the allotted time and/or up to quality standards. It drives my subspace to have my service be a basic expectation, without the need for please or thank you, merely the constant knowledge that failing will disappoint her and disappointing her is bad. While in said subspace, the thought of her having to perform those same tasks pains me and I can only envision a life where they are part of my duty.
I have no idea if thoughts like these are good or bad but even that really isn't up to me.
Namely, I do not picture a lifestyle that doesn't involve domestic service. While there are service submissives out there that get their kink from doing chores (often thanklessly), I unfortunately am not wired that way. I don't mind cooking but cleaning/housekeeping, landscaping, and the like are not my cup of tea. There are also times where I don't even feel like cooking and would rather get take-out, delivery, or eat at a restaurant. While I do not want to do those things, I am willing to do those things. They can even be somewhat enjoyable if the right factors are in place to make them fuel my subspace, but truthfully I see service as part of the role of being a lifestyle submissive.
There are a lot of subs out there that enjoy sexual service, pampering, and body worship. While that is closer to being service-oriented than someone that just wants to be tied down and whipped, the idea of service becomes a bit of a gray area.
True service-oriented subs that also are "life partner" material are sort of a rarity out there. Requiring someone to be of this type also limits the potential of many subs, never giving them the chance to rise to the occasion. The BDSM ideal of kink-overlap also sort of undermines the idea of a sub that is willing but doesn't desire it. It is kind of strange in that way as it's so damn hard to find a compatible partner, I don't feel it has to be made even harder by unicorn hunting. A difference between the willing sub and the sub with true service desires is whether or not any amount of external motivation is needed.
It's true that not every Domme expects a sub to provide domestic service. It's also true that a lot of them do. I think this is why when I advise single subs that they should be willing or it reduces potential interest without it.
In my own twisted brain I have found a way to fetishize it. It drives my subspace to have the decision of domestic chores made for me regardless of how I feel about them. It drives my subspace to have consequences for not fulfilling my duties within the allotted time and/or up to quality standards. It drives my subspace to have my service be a basic expectation, without the need for please or thank you, merely the constant knowledge that failing will disappoint her and disappointing her is bad. While in said subspace, the thought of her having to perform those same tasks pains me and I can only envision a life where they are part of my duty.
I have no idea if thoughts like these are good or bad but even that really isn't up to me.
Friday, May 5, 2017
My Current State of Mind
I haven't really felt like blogging lately and it's kind of disappointing. So much of what I write about is fueled by interaction, discussion, and trying to share a perspective or figure out how someone sees things and that just hasn't happened as much lately. To me, blogging is about the exchange of ideas and the rapport built between reader and author (or two authors). It's a strange form of personal interaction because it also invites others to join in. I find this incredibly inspiring when it happens.
I miss it in its absence.
Over the past few weeks I've had a few contacts go dark and a few others stop responding to comments and emails although they are still posting on their blog or fetlife, making it obvious they just aren't responding to me. I'm also finding a slew of newer bloggers that don't seem to care about those making comments, which is rather disappointing when what they write is decently interesting. At some points in time this would have brought my mood down but this time around it just sucks some of the fun out of blogging.
Basically, there's not enough input coming back in to fuel the stream of words and that is a bit of a bummer.
I know people blog for different reasons but my own reason is social. If I wanted to keep it all inside I would have a diary. To share it, meet, and learn from others is why I have a blog. I've been part of the "internet scene" since the mid 90's and over the course of my life it has been quite common for me to end up with strong friendships from those I met online, often leading to phone calls or offline meetings and the like. This has happened over the course of my blog as well.
Lately one of my blogging friends has become very close and some of that private correspondence has replaced some of my blogging. I do still wish to blog but I have a feeling that this friendship has kept me from feeling down about the current state of the blogosphere for me.
As for an update on the fiction front, I have been brainstorming ideas for how to finish Arc 9 of fs01 as well as a couple of bonus chapters. This is the last arc I plan for the story unless I (or someone else) come up with a really great idea for a 10th arc.
I am finding ways to reach the mindspace I require for writing fiction, it's just not as easy as before. Worst case, I will force myself to write the last half of Arc 9 and "fake it" but I would like to keep the quality as consistent as possible.
I miss it in its absence.
Over the past few weeks I've had a few contacts go dark and a few others stop responding to comments and emails although they are still posting on their blog or fetlife, making it obvious they just aren't responding to me. I'm also finding a slew of newer bloggers that don't seem to care about those making comments, which is rather disappointing when what they write is decently interesting. At some points in time this would have brought my mood down but this time around it just sucks some of the fun out of blogging.
Basically, there's not enough input coming back in to fuel the stream of words and that is a bit of a bummer.
I know people blog for different reasons but my own reason is social. If I wanted to keep it all inside I would have a diary. To share it, meet, and learn from others is why I have a blog. I've been part of the "internet scene" since the mid 90's and over the course of my life it has been quite common for me to end up with strong friendships from those I met online, often leading to phone calls or offline meetings and the like. This has happened over the course of my blog as well.
Lately one of my blogging friends has become very close and some of that private correspondence has replaced some of my blogging. I do still wish to blog but I have a feeling that this friendship has kept me from feeling down about the current state of the blogosphere for me.
As for an update on the fiction front, I have been brainstorming ideas for how to finish Arc 9 of fs01 as well as a couple of bonus chapters. This is the last arc I plan for the story unless I (or someone else) come up with a really great idea for a 10th arc.
I am finding ways to reach the mindspace I require for writing fiction, it's just not as easy as before. Worst case, I will force myself to write the last half of Arc 9 and "fake it" but I would like to keep the quality as consistent as possible.
More Chastity 2017: The Good, The Bad, and The Meh
I'll start with the bad. After the Holy Trainer proved problematic I got a deal on a Strict Gate, hoping the soft back "tab" would alleviate the issues that I have with the Holy Trainer. Due to my high and tight scrotum, previous generations of silicon devices just didn't look promising. If you struggle to stretch it across a 10mm wide ring, what are the chances of it working with a 35mm wide ring? I had very high hopes for the Strict Gate as a hybrid device, solid ring with silicon cage.
First off, the tab is even longer on the Strict Gate. Its soft and flexible nature alleviated one problem but created a new one. The Strict Gate is marketed for being able to switch out four different "pledge rings" that are a solid plastic ring that sit inside the cage. They make standard, glow in the dark, spiked, and smaller inner diameter pledge rings to suit this purpose. This ring serves as the "pinch point" for the trapped ball design of this device.
Due to the shape of my parts, it made it impossible to close the device without having the back tab flex, bend, and twist while working it on. Unfortunately, if you bend, flex, or twist the top part of the tube it pops the pledge ring out of place and it is pretty much impossible to secure it back into position after it is attached. "Use it without the pledge ring" was a hope, but without the ring in place and with the help of the "cord" on the bottom applying pressure, the testicles just pull out of the ring.
I spent two and a half hours struggling with this thing. I was not able to get it closed a single time with the pledge ring in place. It was slightly maddening to say the least. I did manage to get it to hold on for a few minutes without the ring in there. The end result was an extremely comfortable device that barely felt like anything except for the large ring holding my scrotum forward. I could see this as being a good thing if you have standard parts but this was a complete and utter failure for me.
Which brings me to the good. Over the years I have purchased most of my chastity items from Kept for Her or Locked Up Love. These are US-based retailers that specialize in chastity-related items and stock devices, parts, extra security measures, and the like. I have had positive experiences with both companies but today I want to talk about Locked Up Love. My first experiences with them were years ago when trying to track down replacement posts for my CB-2000. If you are familiar with the CB-2000/3000/Curve, you are aware that once you have the device fitted you have to trim the plastic posts that guide the cage to the ring or they would gouge into your skin. I thought I had found the magical combination of ring/spacer and trimmed the posts only to find out later that this was not a good fit and I could not return to a wider spacer with the shortened posts. Locked Up Love was the only place I could find that sold those parts and they were inexpensive and with very cheap shipping.
Aside from access to parts, if you aren't picky on what generation device you get or are looking to experiment with something else, they often have some very good clearance deals on previous generation models. One of the big differences separating them from other companies is that they have a return policy on most items, even if they are opened. There is a restocking fee on unopened items as well as a percentage deduction on opened items. Yes, you can return a chastity device that you purchased but doesn't fit for a 50% refund or 75% store credit towards a different device. This might seem like a lot, but seriously, if you just spent $150+ on a device and 5 minutes out of the package you realize it just won't work, being able to get anything back on it is a good feeling.
The other byproduct of having a return policy is that they sanitize and resell the returned items at a significant discount (~40-50%) and these items are also covered under their return policy for a full refund minus shipping. While I'm sure someone is thinking this sounds gross, it's not very difficult to sanitize plastic and if you aren't sure how a device will work and don't feel like throwing away money, this is a great option. You can also buy returned parts, such as a Holy Trainer base ring for a significant discount. The Strict Gate I purchased was through this method and thankfully I will be getting a refund on it rather than wanting to curse and punch someone in the face.
Now for the meh. I've decided to give the Holy Trainer another shot. I'm trying to think back to how the other devices felt when I used them and I realize that the way the HT sits is just so different that it actually feels different in the way that it blocks an erection. It is still frustrating but also a little bit painful (not in an excruciating way), so being teased while in it is a bit less "fun." I have been able to pinpoint that the skin pain issues are caused by the fact that my left nut is larger and shaped differently than the right. I will be experimenting quite a bit over the next few weeks trying to see how to get the bits and pieces properly seated to minimize the problems as well as working on stretching things out. This won't be a lot of fun as much of it will involve figuring out what parts need lube and which ones should not have it.
At some point I may look into a different size ring for the HT, but at $57+ per ring and no clue if it will actually help, I'm not really excited to go down this path, especially considering I have no idea if a larger or smaller ring will help as each solves one problem but causes another.
First off, the tab is even longer on the Strict Gate. Its soft and flexible nature alleviated one problem but created a new one. The Strict Gate is marketed for being able to switch out four different "pledge rings" that are a solid plastic ring that sit inside the cage. They make standard, glow in the dark, spiked, and smaller inner diameter pledge rings to suit this purpose. This ring serves as the "pinch point" for the trapped ball design of this device.
Due to the shape of my parts, it made it impossible to close the device without having the back tab flex, bend, and twist while working it on. Unfortunately, if you bend, flex, or twist the top part of the tube it pops the pledge ring out of place and it is pretty much impossible to secure it back into position after it is attached. "Use it without the pledge ring" was a hope, but without the ring in place and with the help of the "cord" on the bottom applying pressure, the testicles just pull out of the ring.
I spent two and a half hours struggling with this thing. I was not able to get it closed a single time with the pledge ring in place. It was slightly maddening to say the least. I did manage to get it to hold on for a few minutes without the ring in there. The end result was an extremely comfortable device that barely felt like anything except for the large ring holding my scrotum forward. I could see this as being a good thing if you have standard parts but this was a complete and utter failure for me.
Which brings me to the good. Over the years I have purchased most of my chastity items from Kept for Her or Locked Up Love. These are US-based retailers that specialize in chastity-related items and stock devices, parts, extra security measures, and the like. I have had positive experiences with both companies but today I want to talk about Locked Up Love. My first experiences with them were years ago when trying to track down replacement posts for my CB-2000. If you are familiar with the CB-2000/3000/Curve, you are aware that once you have the device fitted you have to trim the plastic posts that guide the cage to the ring or they would gouge into your skin. I thought I had found the magical combination of ring/spacer and trimmed the posts only to find out later that this was not a good fit and I could not return to a wider spacer with the shortened posts. Locked Up Love was the only place I could find that sold those parts and they were inexpensive and with very cheap shipping.
Aside from access to parts, if you aren't picky on what generation device you get or are looking to experiment with something else, they often have some very good clearance deals on previous generation models. One of the big differences separating them from other companies is that they have a return policy on most items, even if they are opened. There is a restocking fee on unopened items as well as a percentage deduction on opened items. Yes, you can return a chastity device that you purchased but doesn't fit for a 50% refund or 75% store credit towards a different device. This might seem like a lot, but seriously, if you just spent $150+ on a device and 5 minutes out of the package you realize it just won't work, being able to get anything back on it is a good feeling.
The other byproduct of having a return policy is that they sanitize and resell the returned items at a significant discount (~40-50%) and these items are also covered under their return policy for a full refund minus shipping. While I'm sure someone is thinking this sounds gross, it's not very difficult to sanitize plastic and if you aren't sure how a device will work and don't feel like throwing away money, this is a great option. You can also buy returned parts, such as a Holy Trainer base ring for a significant discount. The Strict Gate I purchased was through this method and thankfully I will be getting a refund on it rather than wanting to curse and punch someone in the face.
Now for the meh. I've decided to give the Holy Trainer another shot. I'm trying to think back to how the other devices felt when I used them and I realize that the way the HT sits is just so different that it actually feels different in the way that it blocks an erection. It is still frustrating but also a little bit painful (not in an excruciating way), so being teased while in it is a bit less "fun." I have been able to pinpoint that the skin pain issues are caused by the fact that my left nut is larger and shaped differently than the right. I will be experimenting quite a bit over the next few weeks trying to see how to get the bits and pieces properly seated to minimize the problems as well as working on stretching things out. This won't be a lot of fun as much of it will involve figuring out what parts need lube and which ones should not have it.
At some point I may look into a different size ring for the HT, but at $57+ per ring and no clue if it will actually help, I'm not really excited to go down this path, especially considering I have no idea if a larger or smaller ring will help as each solves one problem but causes another.
Sunday, April 30, 2017
Open-Mindedness and Understanding
Recently I've read a slew of blog posts about people encouraging open-mindedness when it comes to kink-related topics because of the ongoing trend of closed-mindedness that frequently plagues BDSM communities. This post isn't targeted at any one of those bloggers, mostly just some thoughts in general that have been inspired by thinking about this topic.
I'm never a fan of closed-mindedness but in many ways it is consistent and predictable. You expect it. You choose what to show and what to hide. You monitor your words so as to keep it from rearing its ugly head. It forces you to hide.
Open-mindedness can be a much scarier beast because of what it implies but rarely means.
Quickie copy/pasted definitions of open-minded:
At some point people began using open-mindedness as a synonym for tolerant of, indifferent to, or accepting of. I find this to be strange because that isn't really the meaning. I would never define open-minded as "not intolerant." The problem I have with this working definition is that it loses its actual meaning when you remove the part about "considering ideas".
I believe that open-mindedness happens when you delve deep enough into the topic at hand to discover its strengths, weaknesses, motivations, and how it reflects in different points of view. "I can understand how someone would like ______." "I can see how _______ appeals to some people."
I believe it is the understanding of ideas that is what makes people venture into communities. They want to find people who can relate to and understand them. They aren't looking for someone to tolerate them. They aren't looking for people to accept them with no intention of understanding them. They are seeking the end-result of open-mindedness. If someone is unfamiliar with it, you can talk to them and they will understand you. They want people they can talk to about fears and concerns that will understand their frame of reference. They want someone to genuinely be interested in them as a person. They want people to relate to that can relate to them.
Many kink-communities will meet that sort of approach with a slap in the face. Shit always rolls downhill. There's always someone more despicable to look down on. There's always someone more fucked up to treat like the next pariah.
That being said, is anyone perfectly open-minded? Of course not. We all have some biases and some prejudices. The biggest thing is when we actually listen and see how someone views a specific topic. Often it only takes a bit of passion and eloquence for someone to break down the barrier and allow you to see daylight where there previously was none. To hear how someone describes their feelings and how it touches their soul can make something seem beautiful.
Will this always happen? Of course not. Just because you understand someone doesn't mean you have to agree/like/enjoy the same things that they do. However, if you don't make the effort, there is zero chance that something unexpected might find its way into your life or your heart.
I don't really have a point to all this, just some food for thought as I write way too late at night.
I'm never a fan of closed-mindedness but in many ways it is consistent and predictable. You expect it. You choose what to show and what to hide. You monitor your words so as to keep it from rearing its ugly head. It forces you to hide.
Open-mindedness can be a much scarier beast because of what it implies but rarely means.
Quickie copy/pasted definitions of open-minded:
- willing to consider new ideas; unprejudiced.
- having or showing a mind receptive to new ideas or arguments.
- willing to consider different ideas or opinions.
- willing to consider ideas and opinions that are new or different to your own.
At some point people began using open-mindedness as a synonym for tolerant of, indifferent to, or accepting of. I find this to be strange because that isn't really the meaning. I would never define open-minded as "not intolerant." The problem I have with this working definition is that it loses its actual meaning when you remove the part about "considering ideas".
I believe that open-mindedness happens when you delve deep enough into the topic at hand to discover its strengths, weaknesses, motivations, and how it reflects in different points of view. "I can understand how someone would like ______." "I can see how _______ appeals to some people."
I believe it is the understanding of ideas that is what makes people venture into communities. They want to find people who can relate to and understand them. They aren't looking for someone to tolerate them. They aren't looking for people to accept them with no intention of understanding them. They are seeking the end-result of open-mindedness. If someone is unfamiliar with it, you can talk to them and they will understand you. They want people they can talk to about fears and concerns that will understand their frame of reference. They want someone to genuinely be interested in them as a person. They want people to relate to that can relate to them.
Many kink-communities will meet that sort of approach with a slap in the face. Shit always rolls downhill. There's always someone more despicable to look down on. There's always someone more fucked up to treat like the next pariah.
That being said, is anyone perfectly open-minded? Of course not. We all have some biases and some prejudices. The biggest thing is when we actually listen and see how someone views a specific topic. Often it only takes a bit of passion and eloquence for someone to break down the barrier and allow you to see daylight where there previously was none. To hear how someone describes their feelings and how it touches their soul can make something seem beautiful.
Will this always happen? Of course not. Just because you understand someone doesn't mean you have to agree/like/enjoy the same things that they do. However, if you don't make the effort, there is zero chance that something unexpected might find its way into your life or your heart.
I don't really have a point to all this, just some food for thought as I write way too late at night.
Saturday, April 29, 2017
More adventures in chastity: Holy Trainer V2
Wow, it's been a long time since I wrote anything of a chastity device review (January 2012).
This past week I was able to get a good deal on a (legit) Holy Trainer v2 chastity device. Nearly everything I had read about this device has been positive with a handful of gripes about security, which is bound to happen with anything that isn't a full belt or doesn't involve a piercing.
I've touched on it a bit before but I own a Houdini knock off, a CB-2000, CB-3000, CB-6000, and CB-6000S (that I purchased when they made it available cage only). Also, as much as I hate talking about my junk, this will only be helpful to others if I put it out there.
Basically, every part of my sexual anatomy does NOT want to work with chastity devices:
I really really really wanted the Holy Trainer to work.
I have only positive things to say about the ring. Unlike the CB-X000 line devices that have a perfectly round ring, the Holy Trainer's ring is contoured in its shape to actually fit the male anatomy and is very smooth. If you are new to chastity you will likely get some burn from skin stretching, but, wow, what a difference this makes in the chastity experience.
The cage portion sits at a decently low angle and the gap between the ring and cage is very similar to the CB-X000 line using spacers on the narrower end of the spectrum. Initial comfort was excellent, but the cage design also ended up being the reason for the device not working for me.
The top back edge of the cage portion extends slightly beyond the back of the ring. While the edge isn't sharp... it's definitely not rounded and contoured in a friendly way if you have #5. The end result is that due to #3 and #5 the back edge of the cage does touch the skin and due to #4, it would pull the corner in an uncomfortable way. The end result is that the skin would actually pull itself over the corner and lead to an unnatural level of pull and discomfort of the skin on that side. Within 15 minutes the area would burn. After 45 minutes any part of the scrotum on that side was painful to the touch. Attempts to "pad" the area just seemed to disperse the pressure and not actually solve the problem. I'm guessing it was pressing on some nerves/circulation spots. After ~8 30-minute trials I noticed the skin at that spot was getting very tender and staying that way for a couple of hours after removing it.
The end result is that it will not work unless I were to heavily modify the cage portion and seeing as the only B I received in K-12 was in shop class, that isn't in the cards.
In order to give a more complete review I will talk about a couple of other aspects.
The lock is both amazing and infuriating. No more padlock rattle. The locking mechanism sits neatly out of the way. That is good. The downside is that to get everything to line up was difficult. Due to #5, holding the cage in place while trying to get the little insert in perfectly was maddening at times. It would occasionally flip its tab just as I was about to insert it. At other times it would go in through 2 of the 3 pieces it needs to pass through but then would not want to make a clean contact into the 3rd section. I would end up having to remove the cage and reset it. A handful of other times it would get into all 3, but was just off enough to where it couldn't be locked.
As maddening as this lock might seem, compare it to a CB-6000 and its 27430928 tiny hard plastic parts that all want to pinch you while you try to get the lock in place and it seems sort of silly to complain about it. The Holy Trainer V2 is 2 pieces + the lock. I experimented with a few of the CB-X000's last night and found myself swearing as I dropped one of the spacers and found myself crawling around on the floor with a flashlight for 5 minutes. Advantage Holy Trainer.
An odd byproduct of lack of a padlock is that the Holy Trainer doesn't have anything that can be used to attach a leash or chain... ya know... in case that ever comes up.
Overall, I think this is an excellent device... for someone other than me. Aside from that pinch point I would say this is significantly more comfortable than the other plastic devices on the market that I have used. Unfortunately that pinch point is enough of a factor to keep this from being a viable option in the long-run.
This past week I was able to get a good deal on a (legit) Holy Trainer v2 chastity device. Nearly everything I had read about this device has been positive with a handful of gripes about security, which is bound to happen with anything that isn't a full belt or doesn't involve a piercing.
I've touched on it a bit before but I own a Houdini knock off, a CB-2000, CB-3000, CB-6000, and CB-6000S (that I purchased when they made it available cage only). Also, as much as I hate talking about my junk, this will only be helpful to others if I put it out there.
Basically, every part of my sexual anatomy does NOT want to work with chastity devices:
- Uncircumcised.
- I'm a "grower" not a "show-er". The magnitude is in the realm of 3-4X increase.
- I have an extremely high and tight scrotum.
- Asymmetric testicles (one is bigger).
- I have a layer of baby fat on my pelvis that has never gone away (even when I was fit/trim). It is sort of like having the penis sticking through a 1/2" thick pillow. The base sits below the surface and if you press it down in one spot, the other side will rise. This skin never "toughens up."
I really really really wanted the Holy Trainer to work.
I have only positive things to say about the ring. Unlike the CB-X000 line devices that have a perfectly round ring, the Holy Trainer's ring is contoured in its shape to actually fit the male anatomy and is very smooth. If you are new to chastity you will likely get some burn from skin stretching, but, wow, what a difference this makes in the chastity experience.
The cage portion sits at a decently low angle and the gap between the ring and cage is very similar to the CB-X000 line using spacers on the narrower end of the spectrum. Initial comfort was excellent, but the cage design also ended up being the reason for the device not working for me.
The top back edge of the cage portion extends slightly beyond the back of the ring. While the edge isn't sharp... it's definitely not rounded and contoured in a friendly way if you have #5. The end result is that due to #3 and #5 the back edge of the cage does touch the skin and due to #4, it would pull the corner in an uncomfortable way. The end result is that the skin would actually pull itself over the corner and lead to an unnatural level of pull and discomfort of the skin on that side. Within 15 minutes the area would burn. After 45 minutes any part of the scrotum on that side was painful to the touch. Attempts to "pad" the area just seemed to disperse the pressure and not actually solve the problem. I'm guessing it was pressing on some nerves/circulation spots. After ~8 30-minute trials I noticed the skin at that spot was getting very tender and staying that way for a couple of hours after removing it.
The end result is that it will not work unless I were to heavily modify the cage portion and seeing as the only B I received in K-12 was in shop class, that isn't in the cards.
In order to give a more complete review I will talk about a couple of other aspects.
The lock is both amazing and infuriating. No more padlock rattle. The locking mechanism sits neatly out of the way. That is good. The downside is that to get everything to line up was difficult. Due to #5, holding the cage in place while trying to get the little insert in perfectly was maddening at times. It would occasionally flip its tab just as I was about to insert it. At other times it would go in through 2 of the 3 pieces it needs to pass through but then would not want to make a clean contact into the 3rd section. I would end up having to remove the cage and reset it. A handful of other times it would get into all 3, but was just off enough to where it couldn't be locked.
As maddening as this lock might seem, compare it to a CB-6000 and its 27430928 tiny hard plastic parts that all want to pinch you while you try to get the lock in place and it seems sort of silly to complain about it. The Holy Trainer V2 is 2 pieces + the lock. I experimented with a few of the CB-X000's last night and found myself swearing as I dropped one of the spacers and found myself crawling around on the floor with a flashlight for 5 minutes. Advantage Holy Trainer.
An odd byproduct of lack of a padlock is that the Holy Trainer doesn't have anything that can be used to attach a leash or chain... ya know... in case that ever comes up.
Overall, I think this is an excellent device... for someone other than me. Aside from that pinch point I would say this is significantly more comfortable than the other plastic devices on the market that I have used. Unfortunately that pinch point is enough of a factor to keep this from being a viable option in the long-run.
D/s vs. Codependency
There are times when I wonder if I'm actually codependent. If you do a search for codependent or codependency it will spit out a great number of results that paint this as an emotional disorder. Here are a few examples I copied/pasted from the search results:
"Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs."
"Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as 'relationship addiction' because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive."
"If you find yourself making lots of sacrifices for your partner's happiness but don't get much in return, you might be in a codependent relationship."
I remember when the term codependent first gained popularity back in the 80's. It seemed like the new fits all label to describe people who got lost in relationships as well as a way to put them down.
It is strange to try to balance this idea between my submissive and vanilla selves. During the times that I am single or in the absence of D/s I am a fully capable human being that pursues interests and goals. I socialize and find things to do. I fill my time in an attempt to be fulfilled. I make goals for each day and find meaning in their pursuit. This sounds anything like codependency.
My submissive self is a different creature. It exists to make her happy. It is constantly overflowing with love and finding new ways to express it. It is odd because those quotes on codependency seem to play off some of the highlights of D/s but then steer them as a bad thing.
I absolutely love the feelings that I get through submission. I feel good. I feel useful. I feel desirable. I feel like my place is earned on the merits of my actions. I love her for it... so very much that it hurts.
I think a lot of views of codependency are that the codependent is not aware that they function this way and has no means of existing in a beneficial way in the absence of a relationship. I also think this is why the vanilla world struggles with the idea of D/s. As a submissive I am very aware of how this works inside of me. In my relationships, it is what we agree upon.
I find the complimentary nature of D/s to be sublimely beautiful. I am the yang to her yin. I am the moon to her sun. The roles are well-defined and known at all times. I sacrifice my freedom, my leisure time, my choices, and my selfishness for her happiness. In return I receive fulfillment in knowing that I have made her happy. I feel happy at being given the chance to love and serve her. I feel satisfaction at enduring the suffering she throws my way.
I find it absolutely beautiful to look into her eyes and see her desire to control, use, and abuse me as she sees fit. It makes me tingle knowing she uses her creativity to twist up my emotions and make me unable to resist her will. It makes me feel warm to know that she will correct me and work to sculpt me to her perfect form. It fills me with love. It makes me feel loved.
To be honest, I don't really see what I "give up" as sacrifices. They are part of the complimentary nature of D/s. This is what blurs the lines in such a special way. Do I offer or does she take? Is she being selfish for her or does that selfishness help us both? Is she strict because she enjoys it or because it makes me love her more? Does she make me dependent upon her or was I dependent all along?
I just find the whole thing beautiful. I love her and offer all of myself. She loves me and makes use of all that I am. I don't want it any other way.
Does this make me codependent or do I just know what I want?
"Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs."
"Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as 'relationship addiction' because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive."
"If you find yourself making lots of sacrifices for your partner's happiness but don't get much in return, you might be in a codependent relationship."
I remember when the term codependent first gained popularity back in the 80's. It seemed like the new fits all label to describe people who got lost in relationships as well as a way to put them down.
It is strange to try to balance this idea between my submissive and vanilla selves. During the times that I am single or in the absence of D/s I am a fully capable human being that pursues interests and goals. I socialize and find things to do. I fill my time in an attempt to be fulfilled. I make goals for each day and find meaning in their pursuit. This sounds anything like codependency.
My submissive self is a different creature. It exists to make her happy. It is constantly overflowing with love and finding new ways to express it. It is odd because those quotes on codependency seem to play off some of the highlights of D/s but then steer them as a bad thing.
I absolutely love the feelings that I get through submission. I feel good. I feel useful. I feel desirable. I feel like my place is earned on the merits of my actions. I love her for it... so very much that it hurts.
I think a lot of views of codependency are that the codependent is not aware that they function this way and has no means of existing in a beneficial way in the absence of a relationship. I also think this is why the vanilla world struggles with the idea of D/s. As a submissive I am very aware of how this works inside of me. In my relationships, it is what we agree upon.
I find the complimentary nature of D/s to be sublimely beautiful. I am the yang to her yin. I am the moon to her sun. The roles are well-defined and known at all times. I sacrifice my freedom, my leisure time, my choices, and my selfishness for her happiness. In return I receive fulfillment in knowing that I have made her happy. I feel happy at being given the chance to love and serve her. I feel satisfaction at enduring the suffering she throws my way.
I find it absolutely beautiful to look into her eyes and see her desire to control, use, and abuse me as she sees fit. It makes me tingle knowing she uses her creativity to twist up my emotions and make me unable to resist her will. It makes me feel warm to know that she will correct me and work to sculpt me to her perfect form. It fills me with love. It makes me feel loved.
To be honest, I don't really see what I "give up" as sacrifices. They are part of the complimentary nature of D/s. This is what blurs the lines in such a special way. Do I offer or does she take? Is she being selfish for her or does that selfishness help us both? Is she strict because she enjoys it or because it makes me love her more? Does she make me dependent upon her or was I dependent all along?
I just find the whole thing beautiful. I love her and offer all of myself. She loves me and makes use of all that I am. I don't want it any other way.
Does this make me codependent or do I just know what I want?
Thoughts on Balancing Self
I've written a lot about control over the past few weeks. It's strange when I delve too deeply into this topic because my mind tends to linger in the deepest parts of my submission... which is very much unlike what a sustainable lifestyle dynamic frequently functions as.
My subspace seems to always want to pull me to its deepest levels. These are the levels where my sense of self fades away and I simply wish to exist to be useful and a source of pleasure. This frequently has me thinking and writing from a standpoint of total submission and under strict control. I'm not sure if I write about this side of things because it is more interesting to me. I know that it's definitely less common to find other people writing about the psychology of deep submission. It always makes me wonder if this is because few people find it interesting or because few people experience feelings like these. I receive just enough comments to believe that there are interested parties but I don't find enough on this across blogs as a whole to draw any form of conclusion.
One aspect that comes up quite often is that I realize that my deeper levels of submission are not a good fit for a good number of Dommes. In a lot of cases it holds no appeal to them to exert control on this level.
I know that I can exist (and even thrive) under conditions that would squash my sense of self. To have my personality subdued to such an extent where I become a creature that merely loves and endures. This has always existed as part of a balancing act and I understand it quite well. To be an attractive life partner requires the rest of my self to be present at various times. I'd be boring if I couldn't come up with an interesting or fun idea for what to do, what to eat, where to go, or something to talk about.
It is probably healthier for this balance of deep and shallow subspaces to exist. I have to wonder if the pull to explore the deeper levels are because they are more difficult to reach and they are the level of experiences that I am most starved for. I can say in that state is when my love is the deepest and strongest it can be... and it's almost all I think about. I also have to wonder if I downplay my more interesting side because it was never really appreciated before I entered D/s.
If anything, I should probably state that I am fully aware of the importance of balancing myself between the deeper and shallower states of my subspace. That being said, my heart still yearns to be completely and utterly dominated.
My subspace seems to always want to pull me to its deepest levels. These are the levels where my sense of self fades away and I simply wish to exist to be useful and a source of pleasure. This frequently has me thinking and writing from a standpoint of total submission and under strict control. I'm not sure if I write about this side of things because it is more interesting to me. I know that it's definitely less common to find other people writing about the psychology of deep submission. It always makes me wonder if this is because few people find it interesting or because few people experience feelings like these. I receive just enough comments to believe that there are interested parties but I don't find enough on this across blogs as a whole to draw any form of conclusion.
One aspect that comes up quite often is that I realize that my deeper levels of submission are not a good fit for a good number of Dommes. In a lot of cases it holds no appeal to them to exert control on this level.
I know that I can exist (and even thrive) under conditions that would squash my sense of self. To have my personality subdued to such an extent where I become a creature that merely loves and endures. This has always existed as part of a balancing act and I understand it quite well. To be an attractive life partner requires the rest of my self to be present at various times. I'd be boring if I couldn't come up with an interesting or fun idea for what to do, what to eat, where to go, or something to talk about.
It is probably healthier for this balance of deep and shallow subspaces to exist. I have to wonder if the pull to explore the deeper levels are because they are more difficult to reach and they are the level of experiences that I am most starved for. I can say in that state is when my love is the deepest and strongest it can be... and it's almost all I think about. I also have to wonder if I downplay my more interesting side because it was never really appreciated before I entered D/s.
If anything, I should probably state that I am fully aware of the importance of balancing myself between the deeper and shallower states of my subspace. That being said, my heart still yearns to be completely and utterly dominated.
Slowing down...
It has been seven days since my last post. I know that really isn't that long but it shows a shift in my daily habits after churning out 20+ posts a week for the past month. It seems that the blogging community in general has slowed down over the past month or so. Fewer posts. Fewer comments. Fewer views. The means that are my "fuel" for writing haven't been completely absent but they have definitely diminished.
I blog and write as a hobby. While I have several hobbies, I generally focus on one hobby at a time until I get tired of it or find something else that appeals more strongly to me. I tend to cycle through these, nearly always returning to them but when and for how long varies drastically. When it is my focus, it's all I want to do in my free time.
So yes, when I go through spurts of huge amounts of writing it is because during that time, it's all I want to do. When I get home from work I'm excited to write. When I'm at work I constantly think about wanting to be at home so I can write. I scour other blogs for topics that I can comment on and/or that inspire other posts.
I know that might seem strange to some. Blogs generally reflect what people have going on in their lives. When I'm in writing mode, it becomes my life.
At the moment I find myself standing at a crossroads, unsure if blogging will remain my primary hobby or if something else will swoop in and take over its role.
I'm not sure but generally when I make posts like these some topics end up finding me.
I blog and write as a hobby. While I have several hobbies, I generally focus on one hobby at a time until I get tired of it or find something else that appeals more strongly to me. I tend to cycle through these, nearly always returning to them but when and for how long varies drastically. When it is my focus, it's all I want to do in my free time.
So yes, when I go through spurts of huge amounts of writing it is because during that time, it's all I want to do. When I get home from work I'm excited to write. When I'm at work I constantly think about wanting to be at home so I can write. I scour other blogs for topics that I can comment on and/or that inspire other posts.
I know that might seem strange to some. Blogs generally reflect what people have going on in their lives. When I'm in writing mode, it becomes my life.
At the moment I find myself standing at a crossroads, unsure if blogging will remain my primary hobby or if something else will swoop in and take over its role.
I'm not sure but generally when I make posts like these some topics end up finding me.
Saturday, April 22, 2017
Click 2017 Part 2
I got asked privately to elaborate a bit more on what goes on internally when it comes to what I talked about in the post Revisiting Click.
Basically, I believe that the differences between having a choice and no choice when it comes to obedience corresponds to different mental states and levels of subspace. How much "you" remains can shift quite a bit as well as fundamental behavioral patterns. Internally, I think much of it has to do with the level of mental surrender and what that does to your fight or flight response.
Something I should note is that not everyone behaves purely in a fight or flight way. Trauma has the capacity to add a third option to the list which creates fight, flight, or freeze and surrender. You can see this a bit in the animal kingdom, especially when it comes to hierarchies based upon rank in pack dynamics. Some will fight it out, some will run away, and others will tip over and expose their bellies, feeling helpless and surrendering to the greater power. I'm not sure if that third response makes me unique or less common, but I consider it to be a core factor of my submission. The more that I think about it, I have to believe that those who can reach slavespace are likely familiar with this.
To illustrate this with an example, let's say she puts the sub in a collar and instructs them not to remove it. At some point she instructs him to run an errand. The sub is aware enough of "self" to probably run through the mental debate of whether they should run the errand in the collar or if they should take it off. This mental debate implies that their thought process is still very human and what they choose to do will represent which side "wins," their desire to be obedient or their desire to avoid being embarrassed or humiliated.
If she puts the sub in a collar and locks it around his neck, he cannot remove it. If instructed to run the errand there is no debate of removal, he simply accepts his fate as inevitable. While he may attempt to hide the collar under a shirt collar, coat, or scarf, none of these are disobedient acts. Even with the collar hidden, he will be trapped within his mind knowing that he is wearing it.
The primary contrast is debating the strength of his obedience vs. attempting to cope with the unavoidable. (Yes, I am treating the "skipping the errand" option as a non-option as that is the sort of thing that gets you dismissed). When given the choice of obedience, the sub's immediate responses fall to obedience (fight or flight). When choice is removed, the sub's immediate responses are far more likely to simply try to make the best of the situation (freeze and surrender).
I believe that subs grow acclimated to a specific range of subspace as this generally represents the level of consistent control the Domme prefers to exert. I see the differences in this topic as being rooted in how much "human will" she wants the sub to maintain. Choice gives the sub the ability to say no. Removing choice takes that ability away, which leaves obedience as the only option.
I tend to prefer that loss of choice. It triggers a loss of self and it allows me to reach deeper levels of subspace. This requires the impulse of fight or flight to fall away in favor of freeze and surrender. My sense of self dissipates and I begin to see the world differently, in such a way where I desire that which she desires. I don't think this happens as easily when I still have the freedom to say no.
I have heard of Dommes taking the opposite approach to test a submissive. If the sub is accustomed to locks, seeing how they will behave the same in the absence of locks. If the sub is accustomed to the honor system, putting on the locks and seeing how they deal with the loss of choice. While I can see this being used in small doses, I think this actually pushes the sub in a very uncomfortable way by forcing them out of their normal subspace and into unfamiliar territory. Flip-flopping regularly will likely keep the sub feeling confused.
In summary, as subs cope with submission, their minds learn to naturally respond to the hardships placed upon them by the Domme. That method of coping is steered heavily by whether or not the Domme permits them the freedom of choice. Over time their default method becomes an automatic response. Locks can help contribute to maintaining a deeper space and train the sub's mind to stop considering the existence of options and steering them down the path of surrender as a natural response.
Basically, I believe that the differences between having a choice and no choice when it comes to obedience corresponds to different mental states and levels of subspace. How much "you" remains can shift quite a bit as well as fundamental behavioral patterns. Internally, I think much of it has to do with the level of mental surrender and what that does to your fight or flight response.
Something I should note is that not everyone behaves purely in a fight or flight way. Trauma has the capacity to add a third option to the list which creates fight, flight, or freeze and surrender. You can see this a bit in the animal kingdom, especially when it comes to hierarchies based upon rank in pack dynamics. Some will fight it out, some will run away, and others will tip over and expose their bellies, feeling helpless and surrendering to the greater power. I'm not sure if that third response makes me unique or less common, but I consider it to be a core factor of my submission. The more that I think about it, I have to believe that those who can reach slavespace are likely familiar with this.
To illustrate this with an example, let's say she puts the sub in a collar and instructs them not to remove it. At some point she instructs him to run an errand. The sub is aware enough of "self" to probably run through the mental debate of whether they should run the errand in the collar or if they should take it off. This mental debate implies that their thought process is still very human and what they choose to do will represent which side "wins," their desire to be obedient or their desire to avoid being embarrassed or humiliated.
If she puts the sub in a collar and locks it around his neck, he cannot remove it. If instructed to run the errand there is no debate of removal, he simply accepts his fate as inevitable. While he may attempt to hide the collar under a shirt collar, coat, or scarf, none of these are disobedient acts. Even with the collar hidden, he will be trapped within his mind knowing that he is wearing it.
The primary contrast is debating the strength of his obedience vs. attempting to cope with the unavoidable. (Yes, I am treating the "skipping the errand" option as a non-option as that is the sort of thing that gets you dismissed). When given the choice of obedience, the sub's immediate responses fall to obedience (fight or flight). When choice is removed, the sub's immediate responses are far more likely to simply try to make the best of the situation (freeze and surrender).
I believe that subs grow acclimated to a specific range of subspace as this generally represents the level of consistent control the Domme prefers to exert. I see the differences in this topic as being rooted in how much "human will" she wants the sub to maintain. Choice gives the sub the ability to say no. Removing choice takes that ability away, which leaves obedience as the only option.
I tend to prefer that loss of choice. It triggers a loss of self and it allows me to reach deeper levels of subspace. This requires the impulse of fight or flight to fall away in favor of freeze and surrender. My sense of self dissipates and I begin to see the world differently, in such a way where I desire that which she desires. I don't think this happens as easily when I still have the freedom to say no.
I have heard of Dommes taking the opposite approach to test a submissive. If the sub is accustomed to locks, seeing how they will behave the same in the absence of locks. If the sub is accustomed to the honor system, putting on the locks and seeing how they deal with the loss of choice. While I can see this being used in small doses, I think this actually pushes the sub in a very uncomfortable way by forcing them out of their normal subspace and into unfamiliar territory. Flip-flopping regularly will likely keep the sub feeling confused.
In summary, as subs cope with submission, their minds learn to naturally respond to the hardships placed upon them by the Domme. That method of coping is steered heavily by whether or not the Domme permits them the freedom of choice. Over time their default method becomes an automatic response. Locks can help contribute to maintaining a deeper space and train the sub's mind to stop considering the existence of options and steering them down the path of surrender as a natural response.
Friday, April 21, 2017
Revisiting "Click": 2017 Edition
Years ago I remember making a post about how the clicking shut of a lock triggered a good bit of meaning to me. Back then I remember my thoughts on it were mostly that it made me feel safe, protected, and valued (e.g. you put a lock on an expensive bike). This pertained to what locks "said" when used in almost any fashion (restraints, collar, chastity, etc.).
This past year I've branched out a lot more and it has helped me to understand a good number of views that have definitely had an impact on how I view things. My feelings haven't really changed... it's probably easier to say that they have refined themselves as I come to know more about myself within this zany life.
I think the concept of locks vs. the honor system gives a bit of a divide in regards to how people view D/s in general. I don't think it's too bold of a statement to say that that a lot of subs enjoy the idea of locks. When it comes to actual practice, there is a split. To some, it's an alert: Shit just got real. Freak out time. Be afraid. Run away. To others, it's calming: She is serious. This makes me feel good. I feel comfortable now.
When looking at the perspective of the various Dommes I have known it is also quite split. I would have to say that the majority of them find the idea of self-control to be romantic and they want to respect a sub that they can be proud of. If she says not to masturbate, he won't. If she tells him not to move from this spot, he won't. He is willing to follow directions without being forced. The other side are Dommes that hear the click and get invigorated: Shit just got real. He's mine now.
I've struggled with this a bit internally over the years. I love the idea of locks (and yes, I can handle them). I am also able to exert self-control. If that is the case, then why do I crave the lock so much? The answer had swirled around my head for years without ever being able to give a "good" answer for it. I had gut feelings, instincts, and the like, but never anything concrete.
As I pondered this again today the answer was suddenly glaringly obvious and I wanted to face-palm realizing that it hadn't been something that I had consciously processed until now. It's not that I can't exert self-control, but self-control is less appealing to me because the absence of the lock gives me a choice.
If given the choice between following her instructions and disappointing her, I will always choose to follow instructions. That being said, I don't want the ability to choose. I want to feel her control as she takes choice away from me. I like the loss of freedom, it drives my subspace. I like the absence of options, the inability to disobey, and outcomes that are beyond my control. I like feeling her control over me, ensuring that she gets exactly what she wants.
While I can do fine on the honor system, I thrive under lock and key.
I like to think it is romantic that I will submit that deeply to her and show my love. I like to think that when she embraces her control over me that it shows that she cares.
This past year I've branched out a lot more and it has helped me to understand a good number of views that have definitely had an impact on how I view things. My feelings haven't really changed... it's probably easier to say that they have refined themselves as I come to know more about myself within this zany life.
I think the concept of locks vs. the honor system gives a bit of a divide in regards to how people view D/s in general. I don't think it's too bold of a statement to say that that a lot of subs enjoy the idea of locks. When it comes to actual practice, there is a split. To some, it's an alert: Shit just got real. Freak out time. Be afraid. Run away. To others, it's calming: She is serious. This makes me feel good. I feel comfortable now.
When looking at the perspective of the various Dommes I have known it is also quite split. I would have to say that the majority of them find the idea of self-control to be romantic and they want to respect a sub that they can be proud of. If she says not to masturbate, he won't. If she tells him not to move from this spot, he won't. He is willing to follow directions without being forced. The other side are Dommes that hear the click and get invigorated: Shit just got real. He's mine now.
I've struggled with this a bit internally over the years. I love the idea of locks (and yes, I can handle them). I am also able to exert self-control. If that is the case, then why do I crave the lock so much? The answer had swirled around my head for years without ever being able to give a "good" answer for it. I had gut feelings, instincts, and the like, but never anything concrete.
As I pondered this again today the answer was suddenly glaringly obvious and I wanted to face-palm realizing that it hadn't been something that I had consciously processed until now. It's not that I can't exert self-control, but self-control is less appealing to me because the absence of the lock gives me a choice.
If given the choice between following her instructions and disappointing her, I will always choose to follow instructions. That being said, I don't want the ability to choose. I want to feel her control as she takes choice away from me. I like the loss of freedom, it drives my subspace. I like the absence of options, the inability to disobey, and outcomes that are beyond my control. I like feeling her control over me, ensuring that she gets exactly what she wants.
While I can do fine on the honor system, I thrive under lock and key.
I like to think it is romantic that I will submit that deeply to her and show my love. I like to think that when she embraces her control over me that it shows that she cares.
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
The 30 Days are over
Well, 30 days of kink went out with a topic I didn't really care to do:
I sort of defeated the purpose of the prompts by finishing all of them and scheduled them for future posting. Now that all 59 posts have been completed, I have to think, wow, a lot of these questions made me think of things in some new ways while others forced me to show a bit more of myself than I would otherwise be comfortable doing.
All in all, I am glad that I did them. I hope that at least a few people enjoyed reading them and/or learning more about my crazy brain.
Write
or create a list of whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want.
I sort of defeated the purpose of the prompts by finishing all of them and scheduled them for future posting. Now that all 59 posts have been completed, I have to think, wow, a lot of these questions made me think of things in some new ways while others forced me to show a bit more of myself than I would otherwise be comfortable doing.
All in all, I am glad that I did them. I hope that at least a few people enjoyed reading them and/or learning more about my crazy brain.
30 Days of submission: Day 30
Is
your need to submit being met?
No. It used to be, but not currently.
If not, or if your situation changed,
do you think that you could continue in your life and still be
happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in
the way that feels best to you again?
I try to make the best of things as they are but the truthful answer is no. Life would feel unfulfilling without submission.
What makes submission special
to you?
Submission is special to me because it resides so dearly in my heart and it is my truest form of expressing my love. I want my actions to speak louder than words and my intentions to resonate in everything that I do. This is who I am at the core of my being.
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
Thoughts on Chastity
A post I made recently on my Wordpress blog got a comment that I gave a partial answer to. I don't think I've written much on chastity in the past year so I figure that might be a topic to revisit.
My older version of writing would probably have taken the pros and cons and presented them in an infomercial-esque way, talking about the potential benefits of chastity in a relationship, and so on. This time around I don't really feel like going that route and will present it from a more personalized outlook.
The comment I am referring to basically asked if I needed a device to keep from going out of control with my genitals. That is an easy answer, no, a device is not needed to do that. There are many terms for male subs that are unwilling to give up sexual control and/or follow the rules of said sexual control through their own willpower... and few of those terms are kind. If you have been in or practiced a serious Femdom or FLR type relationship, your ability to jerk off whenever you want to likely went away very quickly. This sort of goes with the territory.
I've always felt that chastity wasn't a replacement for the honor system or self-control, but something that works as part of a control dynamic that one or both parties finds enjoyable.
I actually enjoy chastity (within reason) quite a bit. Part of it is because I am drawn to women who really embrace control dynamics. If locking me up and tucking away the key fuels her Domspace and gets her juices flowing, great! This serves as one more thing that can be held strictly under her thumb.
One of the things that appeals to me most about chastity is that the sexual frustration is exquisite. It's very difficult to describe and brings about an entirely new set of feelings, awareness, and emotions. It's so easy for us to take erections for granted and at inappropriate times we can even attempt to tune them out and/or clear the mind. Most guys have a pair of pants that makes them more aware of the tent they are pitching during an erection as the pressure of the fabric pushes against the direction your penis is moving. With a chastity device on, you get that "attempting to pitch a tent" feeling but it can just go on and on and on, providing just enough pressure for it to want to keep trying but it has nowhere to go. It's pretty much impossible to ignore this when it is happening and that is the source of a lot of other emotions.
There is kind of that natural human impulse to want what you can't have. Fighting to have an erection that will never happen makes you want to have it even more and/or touch it. You also become very aware of just how many erection attempts you have in a given day. You can't just shut it off and time drags while it is happening, fueling both passive and active submissive thoughts. From a subspace perspective it reminds you of her control over you. From a loving perspective you will start thinking about her a LOT. Even if it starts out because she has the key, the thoughts can become almost obsessive and it's quite common to think of things that would make her happy. e.g. picking up some flowers and candy on the way home from work.
A byproduct of all of this that happens with some women (but not all), is that she will enjoy the idea that you can't get erect that she will go out of her way to get you to attempt an erection. The extra teasing, sexual tension, and attention can be quite enjoyable and bring the intensity to new heights.
Based upon what I have read and the subs I have talked to, I believe these parts aren't all that unique among subs in chastity.
There are a couple of aspects that are unique to me. One of which is that I have a fairly libido. While I enjoy a lot of activities that may be perceived as sexual, I have a fairly low craving for sex and if I had a stressful day or am in the midst of nerding out on a hobby, my sex drive and attentiveness diminish greatly. A chastity device builds up a lot more unavoidable sexual tension and my cravings and desires tend to grow with it. It can be a bit of a contrast, going from thinking about sex 0-2 times a day to 20+ times a day by the addition of a device. It's kind of silly but it's true.
The other aspect is that when my depression cycles up my sex drive falls to virtually 0. If D/s dynamics aren't going regularly it's common for me to not even have the desire to masturbate for ~3+ weeks at a time. A chastity device changes that and the awareness it brings tends to keep me in a more positive mental state (subspace) which actually counters a lot of the normal effects of my depression.
My older version of writing would probably have taken the pros and cons and presented them in an infomercial-esque way, talking about the potential benefits of chastity in a relationship, and so on. This time around I don't really feel like going that route and will present it from a more personalized outlook.
The comment I am referring to basically asked if I needed a device to keep from going out of control with my genitals. That is an easy answer, no, a device is not needed to do that. There are many terms for male subs that are unwilling to give up sexual control and/or follow the rules of said sexual control through their own willpower... and few of those terms are kind. If you have been in or practiced a serious Femdom or FLR type relationship, your ability to jerk off whenever you want to likely went away very quickly. This sort of goes with the territory.
I've always felt that chastity wasn't a replacement for the honor system or self-control, but something that works as part of a control dynamic that one or both parties finds enjoyable.
I actually enjoy chastity (within reason) quite a bit. Part of it is because I am drawn to women who really embrace control dynamics. If locking me up and tucking away the key fuels her Domspace and gets her juices flowing, great! This serves as one more thing that can be held strictly under her thumb.
One of the things that appeals to me most about chastity is that the sexual frustration is exquisite. It's very difficult to describe and brings about an entirely new set of feelings, awareness, and emotions. It's so easy for us to take erections for granted and at inappropriate times we can even attempt to tune them out and/or clear the mind. Most guys have a pair of pants that makes them more aware of the tent they are pitching during an erection as the pressure of the fabric pushes against the direction your penis is moving. With a chastity device on, you get that "attempting to pitch a tent" feeling but it can just go on and on and on, providing just enough pressure for it to want to keep trying but it has nowhere to go. It's pretty much impossible to ignore this when it is happening and that is the source of a lot of other emotions.
There is kind of that natural human impulse to want what you can't have. Fighting to have an erection that will never happen makes you want to have it even more and/or touch it. You also become very aware of just how many erection attempts you have in a given day. You can't just shut it off and time drags while it is happening, fueling both passive and active submissive thoughts. From a subspace perspective it reminds you of her control over you. From a loving perspective you will start thinking about her a LOT. Even if it starts out because she has the key, the thoughts can become almost obsessive and it's quite common to think of things that would make her happy. e.g. picking up some flowers and candy on the way home from work.
A byproduct of all of this that happens with some women (but not all), is that she will enjoy the idea that you can't get erect that she will go out of her way to get you to attempt an erection. The extra teasing, sexual tension, and attention can be quite enjoyable and bring the intensity to new heights.
Based upon what I have read and the subs I have talked to, I believe these parts aren't all that unique among subs in chastity.
There are a couple of aspects that are unique to me. One of which is that I have a fairly libido. While I enjoy a lot of activities that may be perceived as sexual, I have a fairly low craving for sex and if I had a stressful day or am in the midst of nerding out on a hobby, my sex drive and attentiveness diminish greatly. A chastity device builds up a lot more unavoidable sexual tension and my cravings and desires tend to grow with it. It can be a bit of a contrast, going from thinking about sex 0-2 times a day to 20+ times a day by the addition of a device. It's kind of silly but it's true.
The other aspect is that when my depression cycles up my sex drive falls to virtually 0. If D/s dynamics aren't going regularly it's common for me to not even have the desire to masturbate for ~3+ weeks at a time. A chastity device changes that and the awareness it brings tends to keep me in a more positive mental state (subspace) which actually counters a lot of the normal effects of my depression.
30 Days of submission: Day 29
Is
pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your
submission?
Both pain and humiliation play a large role in my subspace.
What is your relationship to it? Do you embrace it as a
part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other
type of relationship with it?
This is rather complicated and these are sort of intertwined so it is probably better to answer them together.
I crave deep subspace. Both pain and humiliation bring about deep subspace. I do not desire to feel bad but accept them as the tools used to bring me to the place I want to be. If you equate it like hitting the red button to send out a food pellet, then yes, I accept my need to hit the red button.
That being said, I find these to be extremely intimate activities that I only share with the one I love and serve. They are not meant for general consumption and I will likely behave erratically if used by someone whose contact I do not welcome.
30 Days of Kink: Day 29
Do
you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore,
princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)?
Umm, not really. Generally speaking I have had pronouns that have become default. K used to call me pet or sissy slave. F used to call me pet or slave. T has called me pet but generally uses slut or whore depending upon her mood. None of these are titles though, they replace my name entirely.
What is your opinion of the use of
titles in general?
I like titles for Dommes. Historically titles serve as a status symbol so it makes a lot of sense in regards to role and ritual.
I don't really understand having a title for subs. It often seems more like posturing when dealing with multiple subs that likely enjoy being titled for their role/status. I believe the idea of having a name replaced with a number has more appeal to me in a D/s sense.
I don't really understand having a title for subs. It often seems more like posturing when dealing with multiple subs that likely enjoy being titled for their role/status. I believe the idea of having a name replaced with a number has more appeal to me in a D/s sense.
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