Sunday, April 11, 2010

Dominance vs. Confidence: Unlocking Dominance in Women

While there's a fairly scarce number of Dommes out there, there's tons of submissive men who are in relationships with women who could be dominant.

In many cases, the women they are with would shy away if they were abruptly confronted with the idea of a D/s relationship.  This is due partly to taboos and partly by the fact that most men fail pretty badly when it comes to introducing the idea in a reasonable manner.  Blind-siding them with a "By the way, I want you to tie me up and beat me," usually isn't the best of ideas. 

From my experiences, the ability for a woman to feel dominant is very closely tied to her self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-image.  Most men are fairly neglectful in relationships and their behavior combined with the reinforcement from the media, etc. help contribute to many women having rather poor self-images and self-esteem (it's profitable to make women spend money on cosmetics, weight loss products, etc.).  The key to unlocking a dominant nature in a woman is to do everything possible to keep her self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-image riding at very high levels.  Giving compliments, giving gifts, reassuring your love and appreciation for her, and letting her know that her needs are of primary importance go a long way in this.  Much of this will require the male in the relationship to pay careful attention.  Did she get a haircut?  Does the outfit she wore today look flattering/hot?  Did she put a lot of effort into looking nice with her hair and makeup?  When the answer is yes, let her know that you noticed.  When she is always feeling good about herself, she is on the verge of tapping her dominant nature.

For dominance to occur she has to feel powerful.  For her to feel powerful she has to feel confident.  If you want her to act like a queen, it's up to you to make her feel like a queen.  If you want her to rule you with an iron fist, be prepared to make her feel like she is entitled to have her way all the time.  The more she gets her way, the more accustomed she will be to getting her way.  Basically, if you want her to look down upon you, it's up to you to help elevate her to that pedestal.

Start doing chores without having to be asked to do them.  Start offering to take over chores that she has been doing, citing that you want her to be as happy as possible and you think she deserves to have more leisure time to enjoy the things she likes to do.  Once you have done them a few times, start doing them automatically without being asked.  Ask her to inspect your work to make sure you are doing a good job and if you aren't, ask for instruction on how to do it correctly.  Attend to her needs.  Ask her if there's anything she needs/wants/could use.  Be ready with her slippers and favorite beverage without being asked.  Cater to her wishes in the bedroom.  If you consistently maintain this behavior it should be only a matter of weeks before her expectations for you start to change and she acclimates to the new lifestyle.  A sign that this process is happening is if she acts surprised if you forget to do something you had been doing for her.   

By this time you have basically created a D/s dynamic in your relationship minus the kink.  Beyond this point it's a bit of a slippery slope.  If your end goal is this lifestyle and some kinky bedroom play she will most likely oblige as there is a good chance her love and appreciation for you has grown over this time.  If you wish to take things further you are taking a bit of a risk, but if it's something you need to be happy, you owe it to the both of you to at least talk about it.  There are a handful of texts and websites available that outline introducing Femdom into a relationship and they may serve as some starting points to work from and there are also a few ways to go about talking about it.  I wouldn't recommend buying her a Femdom book or giving her links to websites until you have reached this point as she probably will not take you seriously enough or may be put off by it if she hasn't become accustomed to some of the characteristics of the lifestyle that it most likely will cover. 

In all cases, it is probably better for you to talk about things before introducing any kind of exposure to the kinkier fetish lifestyles.  Some of the roundabout ways to bring it up are with a phrase like "I always want you to feel like a queen and it pains me if I disappoint you, so please let me know if there's anything I can do to make you happier.  I want you to expect the best from me at all times," and gauging her responses to that.  Search for the positives in your fetishes and if you bring them up, try to present to her how they will benefit her and make her happier. 

There's no guarantee that she will take to the idea of a D/s lifestyle but you can at least put yourself into the best position possible by making her feel great and happy and that she deserves to get what she wants.

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