Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Somtimes I'm a bit scared...

Sometimes I can't help but fear the future. When I look back over the past decade and reflect upon the experiences I've had and the choices that I've made I occasionally drift into states of fear and doubt.

I will never regret the emotionally enriching experiences I've had nor the depth of love that I have felt.  In my heart I cherish these memories and know that they will never leave me.  The love that has burned so deep inside has saved me from the cycle I had trapped myself in, unable to leave behind the pangs of youth and past emotional wounds.

So why is it that these feelings haunt me now and then?

I think I am afraid of the ways that I have changed when I know that "the now" will not be forever.  Although I take responsibility for continuing down the paths that were set out for me, I am not entirely comfortable at where I ended up.  While I've never cared if I appeared as "normal," I never quite thought things would go as far as they have.

I know it probably will not matter too much, but I'm readily aware of the stigmas I will carry if things don't end up working out.  Being a bit submissive and into some kink/bondage never bothered me that much, and actually, when it all boils down to the core, being submissive in relationships is probably one of my better traits. 

I'm still struggling with being a sissy.  It was introduced to me as shameful and humiliating, continued with me as shameful and humiliating, and thinking of myself as a sissy makes me feel ashamed and humiliated.  I don't think it would bother me as much if it wasn't so directly tied to my sexuality.  I fear that if things take a turn for the worse (and they have been rocky lately) that I will find myself in a solitary situation filled with self-loathing. 

I've always been drawn more to a fully-clothed woman in a power suit leading a business meeting than a naked woman swinging around a stripper pole.  But now that I find myself needing rather extreme means to gain arousal, it's almost more than I can accept without some regret.

Over the past couple of years I've proven how drastically inferior I really am when compared with my ideals, and even worse, lately I've come to accept that about myself.  I know that being in this state is very unattractive and that knowledge makes things even harder but at the same time I know that I have been able to pull myself up out of the muck in the past, so this would probably be no different.

If things do take a turn for the worse, I believe it would be best for myself and for everyone I know if I spent a long period of reflection and emotional healing.  Regardless of how things end up I think I need to get in touch with myself again and rediscover the things that make me happy as well as finding a way to grow up a bit and move beyond the fears that have plagued me for as long as I can remember.

Oh well, it's nice to have a blog to serve as a launching point for sorting out my feelings :)

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