Lady Grey got me thinking about some things based upon her comments in an earlier post. It is something I have dwelt upon over the years but due to D/s escalation as I wrote about earlier (as well as a few other posts talking about Fantasy vs. Reality) it's nice to think about this again to see how I have changed since the last time I seriously pondered it.
The gradual increase in fantasized intensity and actual desires grows over the years. It can even reach a point that is quite frightening as there is usually some residual "I would never do that" memories from when you were first exposed to the subject and it shakes up your feelings of being "normal" to an even greater extent.
So what exactly do subs need to be happy and fulfilled from the lifestyle in the long-run?
I think it's fairly well-accepted that subs do not need regular orgasmic sexual release. However, I do think they need situations or activities that are sexual in nature when it comes to what they respond to sexually. For some subs this may be simple dominance. For others it may be corporal punishment, bondage, or depersonalization. Whatever makes them respond sexually will keep them satisfied even if erections are prevented through chastity. Basically, they need activities or environments that turn them on in some way on some level.
Beyond that, I can't think of many commonalities that I would say encompasses 95% (2 standard deviations from the norm if you wish to get technical) or more of the submissive male population.
Some men thrive on feeling insignificant, inferior, and unappreciated. These types are usually quite rare when it boils down to reality and they usually adapt quite well to cuckold relationships, long-term chastity, depersonalization, formal Mistress/servant relationships, TPE slavery, and depersonalization. They do not require love and affection, a feeling of worth, or intimacy with their Mistress to feel fulfilled and happy, and in many cases, it is quite the opposite.
Many men, myself included, do desire to feel loved and appreciated but submissive and dominated at the same time. This is a bit more of a slippery idea to grasp. I've often thought about it as being this type of sub is like being the favorite toy. You her first choice out of the toy box. She plays with you hard but is careful not to break you. She keeps you in a special place in her heart, cherishing your place with her.
I have a feeling many women prefer this type of relationship, so things tend to work out pretty well. The sub doesn't want to feel like he can be replaced in an instant by anyone with a pulse that is willing to be trained. He wants to believe that he has characteristics that make him appealing to her beyond his superficial body and unskilled labor. If he's not a chiseled adonis of a man, she accepts him for the quality of his soul. While he might perform the domestic duties of a maid, she would rather have him doing them instead of a maid as a sign of his love and devotion. I know most Dommes do want a sub who will enrich her life on meaningful levels (and subs do as well).
This is a quote from a response I made in a comment:
"I do not function well without love and I do know that is where much of my submission stems from in regards to whom I submit and how much effort I put forth. I'm not particularly attractive, rich, nor a suave and debonair individual. The Dommes I have been with have generally cited their reasons for choosing me was because of my heart, sincerity, honesty, friendship, thoughtfulness, devotion, intelligence, creativity, and sense of humor."
I'm not sure on my exact needs, but I can say that feeling loved is one of them. I need to feel her soul... feel like I have a special connection because of who I am and how I make her feel.
I don't think I'm alone in these feelings. People want to feel like they found that person who was meant just for them. Closeness... someone who can be a friend and lover, someone to share the entirety of their lives with. While I believe the D/s dynamic is often necessary to achieve happiness and fulfillment, I think connecting on a deep personal level is equally important.
With that in mind, I do think that males can be led astray by appealing to the deep natures of their fetishes. If I was single and Cruella de Vil showed up on my doorstep as a Venus in Furs demanding my obedience for a lifetime of hardships under her thumb, in that moment, I would be hard-pressed to resist. Would I be happy if I said yes? Probably not. Would it be an intense battle between my brain/heart and penis? Probably so.
I guess this leads me to something else that I had forgotten to think about.
While male subs shouldn't be treated like children, they do need someone looking out for them keeping them from getting themselves into constant trouble. A Domme can protect her sub from himself more than anyone else in his life. Only a few subs will actually know this about themselves but I do think nearly all male subs are particularly vulnerable to tempting situations. Keep in mind, having him on a short leash with strict rules that prevent him from slipping into bad habits does in fact protect him from himself as well. The longer he stays in sub space the less likely he is to piss her off and face unpleasant consequences. Similarly, a good whuppin' after he has misbehaved makes him less likely to do it again and receive an even more severe whuppin' (which is also a form of protection).