Monday, May 10, 2010

Progressive Escalation of D/s

Most vanilla dabblings into the BDSM world happens with the intention of spicing up the sex life when normal sexual interaction has grown "ordinary."  So if you are already practicing some form of a BDSM sex life in any of its forms, when that has grown ordinary?

It's common when people first stumble upon the lifestyle that they might have just an inkling of what they would like and there's a whole lot of things that probably jump out as things they know they would hate or fear. There's a whole slew of subs (and Dommes) out there that have had the urge to enter the D/s lifestyle long before they even make an attempt to explore it.  In many cases they have spent months or years reading websites, both for educational and masturbatory purposes. 

When things first garnered my interest I started reading up on stories and while many of them "spoke to me," getting to some of the more extreme fantasy scenarios was almost like being shown a snuff film without knowing it until the end.  "Oh yeah, this is good... this is good... this is good... OMG what the hell?!"

What I've discovered over the years is that most subs that get put off by some of the more extreme ideas tend to have had very few real life experiences.   The more you experience, the more your views of everything in the lifestyle also change.  Think about bungee jumping.  Before you've done it you probably have some picture in your head that it's either amazing or terrifying.  After you've done it once it was an amazing rush and still manages to get your nerves firing on all levels.  After 20 times, you might still think it's fun and enjoyable but the fear is gone.  The rush is probably still there to some extent, but I'd bet it's nowhere near what it was the first time.  By that time there's probably a lot of other that don't seem as scary, e.g. sky diving.

When I first found myself drifting into some submissive fantasies it was mostly the typical things.  Being tied up by a beautiful woman?  Check.  Forced to perform cunnilingus?  Check.  Body worship?  Check.  Great passionate sex with the Domme?  Check.  Wearing a collar?  Check.  Pleasing multiple beautiful women?  Check.

I read lots of stories.  Many spoke to me in the right way.  Others it was like, what is this?  Why would anyone want this?  I just couldn't understand certain types of fetish play or lifestyle behaviors. Chastity?  No way.  Extensive corporal punishment?  No way.  Forced feminization?  No way.  Pegging/strap-on play?  No way.  Forced homosexuality?  No way.  Cuckolding?  No way.  Orgasm denial?  No way.

My first Mistress once had me make a list of 10 sexual fantasies.  Fast forward a few years.  I've now experienced 8 of those 10 sexual fantasies.  While many of them are still enjoyable, the 8 that I've done multiple times are no longer scary, I don't feel all freaked out by wanting to do them, and there's no more insecure feelings at the thought of having them happen.  So what next? 

Something odd happens.  You don't even realize it's happening until it's already there.  You keep reading stories.  The old themes just don't get you going as much as they used to.  You keep reading stories, stories you never thought you'd read.  The topics that used to be the "snuff films" of stories all of a sudden don't gross you out anymore.  You keep reading more and more.  One day you find yourself engrossed in some story with something going on that you used to think was way too out there or extreme and you realize it has you completely aroused.  You deny it, no way, that can't be turning you on.  You keep reading.  You find more and more stories with those new themes.  They keep turning you on.  One day it dawns on you, you kind of sort of want to try that. 

Our minds in the lifestyle seek that rush... that huge rush of subspace (or Dominance) that gets the adrenaline kicking and the sexual juices flowing.  That twitch of fear when the possibility of it happening for real stares you straight in the face.  Your D/s relationship decides to give that new topic a try.  Boom, you find yourself feeling it just like the first time.

I've come to realize over the years that this is natural.  It happens to almost everyone in some way, shape, or form.  What that next step is differs from person to person but the process is almost always the same.

Do you think that cuckold relationship started out that way?  Probably not.  It most likely happened 5 or 10 years into the D/s relationship. 

Hearing about that guy locked in a steel chastity belt for a year at a time seems crazy... until you consider that they probably started out with no chastity, gradually worked their way up with plastic devices and short intervals, and eventually it developed into a full-time ordeal. 

It's good to expose yourself to as many things as possible.  It's probably good that some of them scare you when you stumble across them.  However, you should always know what exists out there.  What options are there for the next level.  You never quite know what will get your blood pumping after you've been in the lifestyle for a few years.  Thinking to yourself that "I'll never, ever try that" can trap you.  Keep your mind open even if the thought makes you cringe.  The picture will become more clear over time if it stays in the back of your mind. 

There's a whole lot of things that I never thought I'd want that are now enjoyable.  It seems every year something that I told myself I'd never try now is something I'd be open to exploring. Things just seem to happen that way.


  1. I read your last few posts as well as LG's comments. I always enjoy reading LG's posts and comments for there insight and education.

    I agree with much of what you wrote. It's funny when you enter into this what things you end up liking that you thought you never would. I do enjoy CBT which had you asked before hand I would have said," no way". I have found some fantasies are best left fantasies. That being said I have also found some things I thought I wouldn't enjoy I really do.

    A good number of us are sissies and I truely feel that is is still difficult for many of us to admit it, even on here. Be true to youraelf and accept the people that choose to read your blog becuase of who you are, not because of your name.

  2. It works the same way with doms. You say "I could never do that to a sub" and then before you know it, it's second nature. For example, the first time I became aware of the existence of something known as nipple clamps, I couldn't believe it. I thought of how I would react to that sort of pain myself, and dismissed it as "just a bit too much." When I actually used them on an older man (I was just a teenager) at his request (he was an experienced sub) and saw his reaction, I started to change my mind. Now nipple clamps are a basic part of my arsenal and I always use them on subs. Always, no exceptions. In virtually every case, they eventually react to the clamps as if there's a direct connection between their nipples and their cocks. Testing the limits of that situation is very interesting. Even the few who really don't like it come to accept it as a form of drastic punishment, and that has its value as well.

    As you said, one must keep one's mind open, and what better creature to experiment on than a sub:)

    By the way, I do appreciate your recent comments on my blog. If I fail to respond to a particular one, it's only because it was an older entry and I haven't checked it. Is there a way to tell which post is being commented on when it happens?

  3. FH:

    Thanks for the comment. It is indeed a strange ride. I agree completely that some fantasies are best left as fantasies but it seems the deeper in we get, the more those lines get blurred.

    This post was kind of a follow up to my Wanting to be "normal" post. It just seems to happen this way for nearly everyone who enters the lifestyle over the long-run. What things we end up wanting later on vary a bit but they're usually quite a bit different from what we were interested in starting out.

    Lady Grey:

    Thanks again for the comment. I definitely had both Dominants and subs in mind when I wrote this.

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