Sunday, May 9, 2010

Wanting to be "normal"

Lady Grey was kind enough to give some supporting words in her comments on my last post.
I have quoted it here:
"Maybe a name change would help after all, though that's a rather sad commentary on the mindsets of those who would be turned off by your current title."

Reading this got me thinking a little bit about myself, the lifestyle, and the blog community here.  I've noticed there's a pretty big rift in people who wish to lead FLR/WLM's but also wish to keep it independent from the Femdom/fetishy undertones.  I tend to view them as the same thing but I know not everyone is okay classifying themselves as a "Femdom enthusiast" and favor the much more vanilla "Female led relationship" or "Wife led marriage" labels.  Steering clear of fetish/taboo labels may make you feel more normal but why does that need to happen?

If it is indeed true that people skip my blog due to my username, the blog title, etc., I don't condone this behavior but at the same time I can understand where they are coming from.

That is, I can empathize with people that make this choice but I also will not defend that choice.

While this post's content is very relevant to a more formal writing style I will be writing this one from a more personal standpoint.

One of the major difficulties with entering the D/s lifestyle is feeling that it is abnormal, perverse, taboo, or wrong.  These feelings are usually true for both Dommes and subs as they first start down this road.  We carry preconceived notions of what is normal and that can scare us away from potentially deviant behaviors.  The inner-monologue can be a killer during those early stages since we wish to feel like we are normal.

Some thoughts that might enter his head:
"I enjoy being dominated by a woman and spanked, I must be some kind of freak."
"I like being tied up, does that make me a weirdo?"
"I want her to make me dress like a woman, does that make me gay?"

Some thoughts that might enter her head:
"He wants me to 'dominate' him and treat him like crap?  What is he, a freak?  Am I not enough for him?"
"I enjoy ordering him around and making him serve me, does that make me a selfish bitch?"
"He wants to wear my panties, does that make him gay?"

Myself and probably every veteran of the lifestyle has probably at some point in time felt something like this.  People want to feel normal.  For the first few years, I wanted to feel normal.  I wanted my desire for a Femdom relationship to remain a buried and well-kept secret.  It was a point of total shame to admit this, total humiliation, it turned me into a pervert.

To those out there entering the lifestyle, these mind-traps are an ordinary and expected part of the learning curve.  Anything new and different will feel odd since it is new and different from what you are used to.  It may take months or years but eventually, this will no longer be new or different.  It is your new normal and returning to the "old way" would be new and different compared to now.  The more open-minded that you are, the more strongly you question convention and social norms, the more willing you are to accept the you that you want to be, the less emotional distress you will feel along this journey and the faster you will be able to redefine yourself in a new light in a way that you are comfortable with.

After I had a few years under my belt, my lifestyle choice was no longer a secret (although some of the finer details weren't for public ears/eyes).  Instead of having 1 or 2 trusted friends who knew I liked dominant women and was a sex slave (easier to say sex slave than trying to describe submissive), pretty much all of my friends that I spoke with regularly knew that about me.  Since they were in fact true friends, it didn't change their opinion of me at all.  I even told my parents when they were curious why I was involved with a woman that was nearly 20 years older than me.  They basically said "oh, well if that makes you happy." 

Keep in mind that about 40% (2 in 5) of the people you know have had or will have some kinky psycho-sex fantasy.  For guys, this might be having sex with 10 women at once, being tied up and forced to perform cunnilingus for 3 hours straight, being spanked/paddled/whipped, or being being tied up by 10 women and forced to perform cunnilingus for 30 hours straight while being spanked, paddled, and whipped.  For women it might be being waited on and pleasured by 10 "hot" guys at once, tying a guy up and forcing him to perform cunnilingus for 3 hours straight, spanking/paddling/whipping him, etc.

What separates you from the bulk of the 2 in 5 is that you are acting on your desires.  This CAN be possible and WILL be possible if you focus upon making it happen.  The reason that those 2 in 5 aren't doing it is the same reason you might be faltering out of the gate:  shame, embarrassment, guilt, self-consciousness, etc.

If you have deeper fetishes or fantasies that get a bit "deeper" into the deviant/taboo realm it will probably take you longer to come to peace with this and you will find fewer and fewer people with which you are comfortable talking about this with.  This is a very lonely place but I can tell you first-hand that it is easier to try and connect with people who are at your stage or have reached the next stage since I can promise you that ALL of them have pondered the same things you have, questioned themselves in the same way you have, and felt bad inside for the same reasons that you have.  Most people who understand what you are going through will lend you their support.

I've been in the lifestyle almost a decade now.  Being submissive is normal.  Light bondage is normal.  Wanting my behavior to be strictly dictated in order to make her happiest is normal.  Big whoop.  I want to make my Woman feel like a Queen and like the happiest and most special person on earth.  Tell that to a random woman you know and she will probably commend you.  Wanting to worship her and submit to her desires?  Big whoop, again, this is something most women actually like.  Being tied up in bed?  No one will tell me I'm some kind of deranged pervert for digging that.

I'm not all the way yet.  It still feels a bit weird to desire heavy bondage.  It still feels a bit weird to want her to mess with me so that I keep pushing myself to be better.  It still feels a bit weird to admit that I enjoy forced feminization as much as I do.

However, as of now, I can comfortably admit that I am a submissive and that I enjoy a bit of kink.  I have a feeling those other things will become more comfortable the longer I spend in the lifestyle.  In another decade I might be writing on a blog somewhere about heavy steel shackles and a maid's uniform feeling normal.  Who knows?

There are people out there who feel just like you do.  There are people out there who have felt just like you do.  There are people out there who will feel just like you do now.

Many of these people (especially those who do a lot of writing) will be open to giving advice, support, and mentoring those who are walking the difficult path ahead.

Never underestimate the power of time and experience.  With each passing year and every new experience you will likely grow to be more comfortable with yourself in regards to your D/s tendencies.  Try not to write off others if they appear to be completely different from you, there's a good chance that they are merely a few years ahead of you.

As I have said in some of my earlier posts, I have accepted with great reluctance that I am a sissy (and this blog got its title since I started writing upon accepting this).  I did not enter this lifestyle expecting to become one, nor was it ever my aspiration to become one.  I changed slowly over time and by the time I realized how much I had changed, it was too late to go back.  Just because I define myself in the way that I do right now doesn't mean I wasn't similar to you when I was at the same stage you are currently at. 

Overall, I would advise anyone who is in the early stages of the lifestyle to keep an open mind and draw what you can from the experiences that are out there, whether they fit your current tastes right now or not.  You never know what will float your boat in a few years and it will likely be quite different than what you might anticipate.

Feeling normal about your lifestyle will happen when you can comfortably admit to yourself that you enjoy what you enjoy and desire what you will desire.

If he gets arousal from being submissive and/or if she gets aroused/excited from being dominant, I still think that's Femdom.  I don't think there's anything dirty, taboo, or perverse about it.  It is quite normal to feel that way once you accept yourself for who you are.  You'll know you are there when going back to "the way things used to be" is an unthinkable or unhappy option.


  1. This is a very touching and heartfelt post. I hope many people read it and take its sentiments to heart themselves. Thank you for continuing your writing, and for remaining true to who you are.

  2. Thank You, again.

    I hope there are people out there who can gather some comfort in it. I believe the fear of not being "normal" is what often acts as a stopping point for many women when confronted with the lifestyle and it also can trap subs into a fixed mentality of how things "should be" rather than just allowing them to progress and be what they are.

    I will try to get around to commenting on your blogs as well. Tonight I finally copied and pasted them all into a word document to read them in full as the white text on a black background was giving me some heavy eye fatigue and headaches. I had read the first half of many of your posts several times, but tonight I will definitely read them in full.

    Take care.