Saturday, May 22, 2010

Revisiting Fetish and Obsession

Many male subs out there get a bit obsessed about their fetishes.  I have done some writing before on how fetishes develop, etc. but something I hadn't really thought about is whether obsessions happen because of fetishes, or do fetishes happen because of obsession?

I'm guessing this is basically a chicken or the egg debate that has no real answer, but it makes me curious anyways.  My previous post on fetishes is located here

I've never been a big fan of the clinical definition of fetish as I think it tends to lump things together that are quite different.  Generally the psychological community is trained to think that fetishes are a sexual attraction to a non-sexual body part or object.  While this describes many types of fetishes that are in fact out there, it tends to either eliminate or include things that fall into the gray area in between.  In the clinical approach, a high heeled shoe fetish means a guy who wants to have sex with or jerk off into a high-heeled shoe.  What about the guy who doesn't want to have sex with a shoe but gets an almost uncontrollable sexual urge when that shoe is being worn by a woman? 

I guess it is all just semantics but I figured I should cover my definition of fetish before getting too deep into this.  For the hell of it I did a dictionary search for fetish and found an entry that is a lot closer to my working definition.

Here is what was written there:
Fetish - an object or bodily part whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression.

I like this definition a lot better.

My own definition:  An object, body part, or event that is not part of generally accepted sexual activities that elicits a sexual response greater to or equal than generally accepted sexual activities.
e.g. Something other than breasts, legs, genitalia, sexual intercourse, oral sex, anal sex, etc. that gets you off just as hard or harder than those things.

I realize my definition probably blurs the lines between "strong turn on" and fetish, but if you have ever visited a true fetish site, men have this eerie way of turning a strong turn on into a fetish over a few short years. 

I do agree with the dictionary definition of obsession and will work with that definition:
Obsession - a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling.

Strictly from a definition standpoint it might seem that obsession and fetish are almost the same thing (all fetishes are obsessions, not all obsessions are fetishes) but my experiences with most men that are involved on fetish sites I have come to view them a bit differently.  Having a fetish is one thing... being unable to talk about anything but that fetish is an obsession. 

I realize I am dealing with only a small sub-set of the population with this but at the same time I am also writing with only that small sub-set in mind and writing to a slightly larger sub-set of the population.  As I've been writing this I think I have come to an answer to my initial question: 

Strong turn on and repeated fantasizing/masturbation to that turn on leads to a fetish.  Continued fantasizing/masturbation to that fetish leads to an obsession. 

I've seen/heard/read many Dommes complain about the one-track minds of many male subs out there, especially when it comes to obsessions over fetishes.  The easiest example is probably something that exists but is commonly looked at with an "ew, gross" attitude even in a community full of fetishes... so... how about scat fetish. 

I have known several Dommes that used to get contacted heavily by a few subs with a scat fetish even though they had scat play clearly listed in their lists of things they wouldn't do and had no interest in.  On occasion they would speak with the sub and in most cases he would jump right into a fantasy cyber session trying to get her to play along with taking a shit on his chest.  While sometimes they were able to find them interesting as a person, before long it usually gravitated towards the same experience. 

While I feel a bit for the subs out there that let themselves get pulled too deep into obsession at the same time I sometimes think they need a good smack to the head.   If you find yourself falling into this trap make sure you can get control of your obsession to the extent that it doesn't cause you to be alone forever.  The alternative is to only seek out those Dommes that directly share your fetish and obsession.

Is there anything useful that can be learned from this?

To the subs out there, chill out when you approach a Domme.  Be a human first before you bring up your fetish (better yet, wait for her to ask).  Coming off as being obsessed can be rather off-putting and make you seem like you have a one-track mind and would make neither a good submissive nor lover.

To the Dommes out there, if in his first contact with you he immediately starts bombarding you with his obvious fetishes... actually, I probably don't have to say anything here except maybe that taking pity on him will only encourage him.

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