Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Duplicity of Being: submissive in private, ??? in public

I've read varying accounts on different blogs and websites about submissive men who hold very different public and private personas. A lot of the times submission provides a relief from the stress and pressure of everyday life, but at the same time, being a dominant with a submissive to serve you can also provide a relief from the same stress and pressure, just in a different way.

I don't ever think there's an absolute correlation between submissive men and their public personalities. I've met apparent alpha-males who are submissive in private and I have met meek and timid men who are also submissive.

I definitely fall into the type with multiple personas. In daily life I am a rather take-charge person often put into a position of multi-tasking with a great deal of responsibility. I also do a lot of teaching and training of others. Socially, if I am in a comfortable environment I am usually quite outgoing and often find myself in the position of the one telling the stories and jokes, choosing the movie to go to, etc.

Throughout most of my life, I would say that at any given time, roughly 70% of my closest friends were women. While that has changed lately, one thing remains the same. While I am 100% comfortable in a friendship with a woman, when it comes to a romantic relationship, I am very shy, subdued, and a bit insecure. I am afraid to instigate physical contact unless told to. I am timid about doing and saying the right things at the right time. Basically, I'm the polar opposite of my public persona and I flow naturally into a submissive role in relationships.

Oddly enough, it is my public persona that determines much of the effort and work ethic I adhere to in submission. It is my sense of pride in serving well, wishing to be the best, wanting to improve my being and better please her that has helped me over the years.

I think some of the strange balance probably shows up in my writing. I have a feeling that if you look at all of my blog entries it probably seems like there are two different people writing them. I have my set of tips, ideas, philosophical ramblings, analysis, etc. that very much reflects my public persona. On the other side of the fence are my posts that display my insecurities, my fetishes, my shame, my weaknesses, and my submission. I'm guessing it's probably quite a contrast to readers.

I didn't really have an overall point here, just that I find this duplicity of character to be interesting.


  1. If anything, it is this contrast that makes you just as human as the rest of us. I find that, although I am very dominant in both mainstream settings and in my personal life with my submissive(s), my relationship with my partner(s) tends to be a bit more equal or I will slip into what I consider ultra-femininity. I enjoy a gentleman opening doors for me, ordering from a menu that is new to me because he may know the food better than I do, and I really enjoy being the softer, "weaker" sex once in a while with a more masculine male. I don't consider this submission to him because my will is never understated or ignored. I just tend to relax into a different and equally comfortable role. On the flip side of that, when a male is naturally submissive, I feel just as "normal" taking the dominant role and asserting my will.

  2. Thank you for the comments.

    I still consider it dominant for a woman to sit back and appreciate their own femininity :) As long as her needs are paramount there's nothing submissive about it. A Domme shouldn't have to be scheming 24-7 to exert dominance. Sometimes just relaxing and having expectations about her own wants and priorities is a more sustainable type of dominance for many situations. I know this probably differs a bit from what you were describing, but I will still think about it this way hehe.

    The description "naturally submissive" has always been an odd one to me. It was actually how I was chosen for this lifestyle... when I was just behaving like I normally would in a relationship.

  3. Well, you know how I feel about the type of Dominant I am based on my previous blogs. That is very much a personality trait that has been a part of me from as far back as I can remember. I think it can be the same way for submissives. Something that is "normal" for you comes naturally to you, correct? So why is it that you find the phrase "naturally submissive" to be odd? Would it sit better with you if I removed the adjective? Keep in mind that there are people who become submissive because of a previous, high-stress lifestyle and there are those that become Dominant because of past trauma. I'm not saying that those transitions are ideal, but they do exist.

    I, for one, have experienced trauma (as you well know), but that has not affected me at the core of Who and What I am. That is what I find the difference is with those that are "naturally" one way or the other and those that are simply submissive because of choice or just for play. I hope that explanation helps a bit. I'm not trying to change your viewpoint; rather I'm just hoping to explain mine a bit better so that it's not so confusing. I do so enjoy exchanging viewpoints with you.

  4. I find naturally submissive odd since that term was used to describe me from the get go. Basically, things that I considered to be well-mannered, polite, thoughtful, considerate, chivalrous, caring, respectful, etc... things that I felt made a man a good lover ended up making me naturally submissive.

    I guess I just always felt that most submissives were probably naturally submissive. There's so much sacrifice involved in that role that I wouldn't be sure why someone would choose to be that way if they had their choice. If you ask the average person if they'd rather receive two hours worth of oral sex or perform two hours worth of oral sex, most would probably choose to receive it. If they were asked if it was more desirable to give a foot massage or receive a foot massage, the average person wold probably choose to receive one. If you are strongly drawn to the submissive role in those cases I would consider that pretty natural.

    What you wrote about the high stress lifestyle sums up why I think it is odd. The adjective natural implies there is also an unnatural submissive. I know much of my past trauma led me to be who I am. A lot of my behaviors in relationships were as a result of being scared that no one would ever love me so I had set a goal to be the best lover on the planet. I also have toughed through many difficult relationships because I was just so happy that someone chose me that I didn't care if I was being emotionally abused. While many try to build up defensive walls and keep people distanced from their heart I always tried to keep them closer to my heart so they could understand my love. It turns out I was a bit strange for being that way.

    As for wanting to keep my view, it was more in regards to this line that you wrote:
    "I really enjoy being the softer, "weaker" sex once in a while with a more masculine male."

    It's more that I will continue to think of that as being dominant in a more relaxed manner :)

  5. I can see your point as well as I see my own and I love that, although we come from different ends of the spectrum and express ourselves in different way, that it is still possible to see where others are coming from and that it's not necessarily a case of agreeing to disagree. I, for one, would have snatched up an opportunity to be with a man that tried as hard as you apparently did "to be the best lover on the planet." All too often, in my personal experience, men were too selfish and self-centered to really care about my needs or wants in a relationship, whether it was vanilla or otherwise. It took me many years of searching to find what I have now and I'm so grateful for the gifts I've been given and offered.

    I wish that life wasn't so hard on people like us that give their all in everything they do and bring to a relationship, but I wonder if we (and I don't mean this in an egotistical way at all) would be the wonderful people that we are today had we not gone through the twists and turns, heartbreaks and emotional breakdowns we have. I just want you to know that I truly appreciate you as a person and I hope that the remaining 100 years of your life are fulfilling in every way possible.

    I like your view regarding my statement, by the way. ;)

  6. Thank you for the kind words. I was painfully single for many years until my first Mistress chose me as a lover (we were friends for years before) and called me out as a submissive. The years of solitude helped do a number on my self-esteem. I wasn't sure if I was just unattractive or if it was that I am a minority raised in an all-white community, or if it was because I am a bit over-weight, etc.

    Luckily, I chose to face my failures with increasing efforts at all times and quests for self-betterment in the areas that I had control over. I'm not sure if we would be how we are if not for the past, but at the same time I think a lot of it is how we chose to deal with experiences that led us to who we are. For example, someone who was abused when they were a child can follow the "natural" progression and become an abuser when they are older or they can choose to become someone who never abuses anyone. Similarly, a person doesn't have to have been abused to choose to never abuse. Unfortunately it's much easier for someone to just become what they've experienced rather than moving in the opposite direction.

    I guess I just think it's a lot harder for people to choose to be the opposite of what most people become. When I am hurt by someone I love, I choose to love even more and open myself up to more people rather than shut off and choose to not let anyone get close.

    I'm glad you are finding happiness.