Saturday, December 17, 2011

State of Being, State of Self

I'm not sure exactly where this is going to go but I've been thinking a lot tonight...

If you didn't know I was "into the lifestyle" and met me on vanilla terms, there's a good chance that you would think that I am defined by my hobbies and interests.  I have roughly 6-8 hobbies and past-times that I tend to cycle through every 6 months or so.  I almost always return to the hobbies and for that period of time it often dominates my focus and it seems to be what I want to talk about, want to do, and so on.

There have been times throughout my life where I wasn't seen as "relationship material" because of this.  The woman couldn't see how I could focus on them when I have such serious hobbies.  They thought I would be like the types who vanish to the garage or basement and don't surface for anything besides meals, the bathroom, and sleeping.  Where I have commonly been misunderstood is that my hobbies were a substitute for the meaning that wasn't there.  It was an interesting way to pass the time when I didn't have someone to give my love and my all to.

Throughout the course of my life I have had pretty bad luck with relationships.  If I went on a date, we would become friends and not a relationship.  If a relationship started to bud with a shy girl, she would reject me for being too open about my feelings.  If a relationship started to bud with a girl and I would hold back, she would reject me for not being affectionate enough.  I was lucky enough to really connect with a couple of women and had circumstances tear us apart.  Those meetings were rather rare and far between.

During the long down times I found that if I tried my hardest to find a relationship, it would never happen.  If I would sit back and wait for "opportunity" to strike, it would never happen.  Dumb luck has always been the deciding factor for me in terms of success and failure.  I still see myself as awkward and I don't really have a lot of confidence in terms of finding relationships.  I know deep down I have the capacity to make a woman happy, be it D/s or vanilla, but at the same time, I don't know if I will be given the opportunity to "shine." 

I think this is partly (if not mostly) why I fight so desperately to keep relationships together. Things changed a little bit when I entered the lifestyle.  It was talking about thoughts on love and relationships that got me into the lifestyle.  During a conversation with a woman-friend about what I thought a perfect guy would be like in a relationship and how I wanted to "be that guy," she looked at me and flat out said, "you're a submissive."  She became my first Mistress.

For the first time in my life, life made sense.  My brain is of the nature that creates a lot of "white noise" in my daily life.  Lots of nagging issues, worries, and stress.  I can only think of four things that have ever granted me freedom from that noise:  playing on stage with a rock band, getting drunk out of my mind, getting high out of my mind, and submission.  I haven't played in a band in years and I gave up drugs and alcohol many years ago... so that leaves me with only one option... and luckily, that option is the sustainable one.

For some reason I seem to have done pretty well with this.  I'm not quite sure how or why I seem to finally succeed somewhere.  Is it because I had the mentality before I developed the kink?  My first Mistress described it that "my head was screwed on right."  My ex-Mistress said that it was my willingness to suffer for her.  In my vanilla days I was simply willing to sacrifice anything for and give all of myself to the one I loved.  Hobbies?  Meaningless.  I'd drop them all in a heartbeat.  Distraction is bad.

How have I changed since then?  Not much except it has probably changed to I am willing to sacrifice anything for and give all of myself to the one I love and submit to.  And not only am I willing to give up my hobbies, but I have no problem giving up orgasms, freedom, physical and emotional comfort, dignity, pride, and male ego. I don't mind (and even cherish) having my thoughts trapped in a box focused solely upon her needs and linking my own happiness and feelings of self-worth to whether or not I have met her expectations of me.  Now that I think about it, those things were all characteristics I deemed expendable even before I entered the lifestyle.

What is a bit strange is that I'm not sure what the best way is for me to be utilized.  I've never been asked to give up music because the Dommes I have served have enjoyed me playing music for them.  I've never been asked to give up writing because they have usually enjoyed what I write.  I've never been asked to give up my interest in films because they have all enjoyed the movies I have shared with them.  I've never been asked to stop thinking about things because my ability to analyze and evaluate things have been appreciated.  Is it bad to be willing to give up these things if they are some of my strengths?  All I can really do is trust that she will decide wisely for me... and continue to be willing to sacrifice any of it if she wants that.

The bigger question is would I be able to give up my fetishes?  Even thinking about it creates a submissive loop that feeds itself.  For example, take fur:
A woman that removes fur from my life because she chooses to deny it and doesn't care about my arousal -> The thought of being denied turns me on and makes me submissive -> and so on.

Am I better off ridding myself of these (which I doubt is possible) and being open to a life without them?  Or are my fetishes better off being manipulated to keep me in a deeper and desperate state of subspace?  By even implying it is better off am I merely trying to manipulate things with my subconscious or is it the truth?  I guess it is up to her to decide, but I don't know what to think on that one?  I guess it's just up to her preference and whether or not she cares about how those might contribute to my happiness or fulfillment.

And... my thoughts have deteriorated into the white noise that is my racing mind without D/s.

All I know for sure is that I would sacrifice anything for and give all of myself to the one I love and submit to. 

The absence of D/s really makes me feel lonely and sad... which is why I turn to hobbies to pass the time.

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