Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Where we're at now

There's been some new readers lately and I haven't really talked about my D/s life in a while so I figured I would give a brief recap to where things are now.  I also realize I haven't talked much about my personal life at all so there may be some new tidbits even if you've been reading since the beginning.

Currently, the 5+ year relationship between Mistress and I is pretty much a vanilla relationship with kink in the bedroom (or shower), and the bedroom just doesn't happen much anymore.  About two years ago she developed some severe joint pain that prevented us from having sex anymore.  A couple of months ago she finally had major surgery to correct that problem, from which she is still recovering.

Our relationship has been a rocky but rewarding one.  The first couple of years were great.  We played frequently.  I took care of most of the chores and cooking and we would regularly go out looking for things to spice up our D/s life.  Sexual interactions were frequent.  Her son, at the time, was able to fall asleep early and sleep through the night and was well-behaved at school.

At about the two-and-a-half year mark her BPD really began to manifest itself and the relationship turned abusive.  It's one thing when your Mistress is in control emotionally and gets angry.  It's another when you experience a rage bomb exploding in your face and have no idea why.  There's no punishment or scolding, but instead hatred and attempts to hurt you deeply, both physically and emotionally.  This can be for a reason, or for seemingly no reason at all.  When it flares up... words that are said imply a million other negative words, and if you remain silent, the silence implies another million negative words. 

Due to some experiences while I was growing up, I have developed a great deal of emphasis on what I say and I try to never say something that cannot be taken back unless I absolutely mean it and am willing to bear the consequences of that.  This situation has grown particularly difficult over the years since what I say is often interpreted as something else and I am treated as if I said the "something else."  Even if we are able to talk through it, she still behaves as if I said those things.  This does go beyond just words as well. 

Months before her surgery she picked a fight with me and attacked me saying that she knew I wasn't going to care for her after her surgery.  She proceeded to treat me for weeks as if the surgery had already happened, she had recovered, and I hadn't taken care of her... which is a bit fucked up if you think about it.  In the aftermath, when I did care for her following the surgery, she still believes it was okay to treat me badly before the surgery under the anticipation of me failing. 

From an outside view it's probably pretty easy to say that I should have walked away soon after this type of behavior started and failed to stop.  I have continued to love and believe that we can work through and overcome this but in the process I know I have sacrificed a great deal of self-esteem, self-confidence, and weathered through a great deal of stress and abuse.

I don't really know, I guess.  I do know I am approaching my limit of what I can reasonably handle.

Mistress is the fifth Domme I have served, third if you only count the relationships that lasted for more than 6 months.  We met on collarme with friendship as the goal as we had planned to meet casually for coffee and talk about the lifestyle.  I was on the tail-end of my previous D/s relationship that was all but dead: she was in the process of moving hundreds of miles away, I wasn't invited to move with her, we hadn't seen each other in two months, spoken in 3+ weeks, and she said she by email a couple of weeks earlier that she would be releasing me very soon.

We started out talking about the lifestyle; some experiences, some ideas.  She asked a lot of questions and I gave a lot of answers.  Coffee turned into dinner, dinner into desert.  She asked if she could come over to my place and I said yes.  I'm usually the type of person that carefully mulls over every option and wants to be certain about decisions before I make them.  That hadn't really worked for me most of my life so I threw caution to the wind and went with things.  I did feel guilty that I hadn't been officially released yet (that call came four days later), but this now was the real human contact I hadn't had in months. 

Mistress was fairly new to the lifestyle at this point with about 4 months of experience under her belt.  She accepted me for who I was and all the quirks that go along with my submissiveness and fetishes.  When we arrived at my apartment we talked, I massaged her, and then we played and things went from there.  We had a great first two and a half years.  Things have been shaky since then and that has led us to the state we are in now.

I'm hoping things make a turn for the better once she fully recovers from the surgery.  I hope she's able to make some headway in controlling her BPD (she had a major outburst of it yesterday and a minor one this evening) but I'm not sure how well that will go unless she really wants it to get better.  Currently we are both each others' longest lasting relationship.

In the meantime, my blog, my drawings, my twisted fantasies... these are my outlet for what doesn't happen in reality.  Those and the support of my readers are why I keep going here.


  1. I'm so sorry to hear about the melancholia of your current relationship, Fur. You deserve a great deal of credit for hanging in there, but there does come a time when it's better to just end a damaging situation. I'm sure that the thought of starting all over again is most daunting, and it sometimes seems easier to put up with things rather than start anew. I hope it works out for you, and that your Mistress comes around before the situation reaches a total boiling point.

    I know it's small consolation, but be assured that I'm thinking of you and pulling for you, and I'm certain that I'm not alone in those sentiments.

  2. Thank you, Lady Grey, your words mean a lot to me.

    It is difficult on many levels being that we live together, I am helping raise her son, we do enjoy each others' company, etc.

    I am trying to break the cycle of problems but in many ways I know that I'm not the person that I was or want to be... as there are times where I pull away instead of being affectionate because I'm scared of being hurt. I know that I've gotten weaker but it's at least partly due to how I've been treated.

    I think why I have so much curiosity for situations that are overtly cruel or where there isn't any affection shown by the Domme to the sub is due to the desire for consistent treatment and I wonder if I could handle a situation that was constant in that way (since life would make sense).

    One of the more difficult aspects of inconsistency is that she actually brags about me quite a bit to others but then rips me for the same reasons. e.g. She tells others I'm extremely good at managing and stretching out money as far as it will go, but to me I'm a stingy cheap-ass. She tells others I'm extremely honest and straight forward (which is extremely rare in this area), but to me she says I'm "always" a fucking prick with no tact.

    If I was governed over with an iron fist all the time things would seem a lot less... bipolar.

    During an argument before her surgery (where she admitted she hated me because she knew that I wasn't going to take care of her after her surgery*) she said that she was planning on breaking up with me after our lease runs out in June. I guess I'll find out in June if she meant those words or if she just said them to hurt my feelings.

    Thank you, again.

    *She has since acknowledged that I did a very good job of taking care of her after her surgery.

  3. On the upside, I did make a pact to myself last night that I would start working out again this week.

    I was graced with a weird body type that can't lose mass, I can only make it change shape so I'm either ripped with muscle or mildly obese. The adrenaline and testosterone should help keep my spirits up through the winter (last winter I had a torn rotator cuff and couldn't keep my routine up) and I'm sure it will make me feel better overall.