I did something I haven't done in a while yesterday: I read an entire Domme blog from start to finish. I realized that I had only read a handful of posts there before, it was a blog that I discovered during my down years and hadn't gone back to give it a thorough read.
I should note that I really enjoy doing this but it can be a bit daunting if the blog has more than 50 posts. It is a pleasure to watch someone grow as a blogger and how this often parallels growth in D/s. Those early posts are often so carefully crafted and selective. What they choose to share and show us. What ideas and philosophies they want their initial foray into the web to see. We get a snapshot of them as a starting point. A reference point to watch change and expand.
I have to admit, reading early posts from a Domme usually make me feel self-conscious. I think "wow, I must seems like some crazy freakazoid if they are reading my stuff." Those initial feelings are often put to rest as the blog progresses. I watch them change. I watch those principles and ideals that were shown at the start morph. This eases my own feelings as I watch them grow.
This often happens with a beginning of "I can't understand why someone would want ______," and a year later, "I got curious about _______ and I like it." It is a joy to watch someone unlock the merits of a new fetish or activity and see how it speaks to them. It makes me feel confident that my own views and ideas about how people evolve in D/s are fairly accurate. It also makes me believe that people can reach a point where they can understand me.
I find very little out there about deep submission. The kind where a sub just gives all of themselves and feels their psyche prodded and pushed and driven to a very intense level of love, obedience, and devotion. I half-believe that most subs in this position simply aren't granted computer privileges. I think others just don't feel the need to write about or share these feelings with the world. At times this makes me feel a bit invisible but I know there are others out there like me.
I think it is this side of myself that leads to the biggest feelings of self-consciousness when reading Domme blogs. I'm not a door mat, but I will submit to almost anything in the dynamic when I love the woman I serve. The submission is rooted in love and not fantasy. The love is deep and real. Intense D/s amplifies the feelings of both submission and love. At times it seems like the idea of this goes beyond what people are willing to believe, but I see enough of it out there to know I am not alone.