Friday, July 1, 2016

A Bad Block

I apologize for not posting any new fs01 chapters in a while.

A little over a week ago T and I got into a pretty bad argument.  It was enough to throw my sleep out of whack and hurt me deeply.  During my normal writing times I felt exhausted and my brain just wasn't able to get into it.  We patched things up where I communicated a lot of my feelings over the past month or two... one of which was that I am okay with continuing to wait for her to put things in her life in order and not expect any D/s for the time being.  I did let her know that submission is still a need for me and that I am using writing as my outlet for those needs.  Things seemed good but it took me a while to start settling down emotionally from this and I wasn't able to initiate a self-induced subspace to write from.

The other night T flew off the handle.  I am somewhat of a night owl and it has been fairly common over the years for her to fall asleep early and for me to stay up on the computer until I can fall asleep.  She generally sleeps heavily (e.g. she can fall asleep with the lights on and a movie playing loudly) and/or will use a sleep aid to assist.  Lately she has been a bit stressed and has avoided using said sleep aids.

I came into the room quietly and turned on my computer (no sound, just the monitor).  Apparently the light woke her up and she immediately started lashing out.  She attacked my need to write, calling it my "writing pathetic jerk-off fantasies."  I have to say this hurt me pretty deeply.  I did not sleep well and I'm feeling pretty screwed up inside.  This is kind of a symbol of how things deteriorated years before... I would share intimate and vulnerable details of my feelings only to have her use those in a specific attempt to hurt me later.

While I have made a few posts since then... I have not been able to get into subspace or write with any warmth in my heart.  It is a shitty feeling, especially when I wrote so strongly for about 6-7 weeks.

A little bit about my process for writing fs01... I have been told some of the writing feels fairly realistic.  Part of this stems from the fact that I have written the majority of the work from subspace.  I get into a bit of a trance and immerse in a world of mental images, acting, thinking, and reacting as if I was actually there.  Once I define the parameters of an external character, I can envision how they would think, react, and grow from the interactions. In this trance, the work almost writes itself.  It is exciting and I spend much of my day with ideas flowing into my head.  I have to make lots of notes in order to catch them all.

Now that I have been blocked from reaching this state... it is very frustrating.  I am also feeling wounds on my heart from the events that led to this.  In the past few days I have sat down to write part 33 four separate times.  I just can't come up with an idea that is strong enough to induce a subspace.  I'm not sure if the ideas aren't good or if it's just my emotions aren't allowing me to get there.  It is a bit of a bummer.

If I keep writing and the posts seem to be of random or odd topics, it's because I'm trying to get the subspace related feelings to kick back in.  I want to feel invigorated and joy from writing.  For the time being I'm searching for a way to get back there.

10 comments:

  1. I feel for you. That was a pretty hateful thing for her to say to you. That's tough to shake.

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  2. Sometimes people don't feel the damage they can do with a few harsh words. I suppose we're all capable of flying off the handle at some time or another. I hope T comes to her senses and apologizes. I suspect your subspace just needs the proper "making up" session to go into high gear once again, and I hope the wounds in your heart are temporary. I, for one, want the "Cass as slave driver" story to continue for purely selfish reasons. If there's anything I can do to help, just let me know. I've got a bit of slave driver experience myself:)

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    1. Thank you, Lady Grey. T apologized via text message the next day, but you are correct in that it will probably take some form of making up session to improve. Sadly, I communicated my need to write during our last making up session, so it has me feeling a bit gun-shy at the moment.

      I too want to continue writing. In the absence of D/s, writing stories that other people read and enjoy feels like a good secondary option to channel my energies.

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  3. I'm so sorry fur. I sure do hope things improve and you can once again find your space to continue writing.

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    1. Thank you, Penney. I hope so as well.

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  4. I hope you and T return to better terms. It sounds like she has a habit of using words as daggers. I agree with Lady Grey, and would love to see her see her flaw and apologise.

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    1. Thank you, Miss Lily. She does use words as daggers quite a bit. It can be a bit disheartening, especially if I am battling depression at the time.

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  5. I’m so sorry. It cuts very deeply when one shares deep parts of themselves only to have that be used as a weapon against you at a later time.

    The writing will come back. Try to be patient and gentle with yourself, I know that’s not always easily done.

    You can encourage emotions but you can’t force them...they need their own time and pacing.

    (I wrote the above before I saw the comments....)

    Lady Grey’s point feels exactly right that if there can be a making up with T over this, in which she apologizes your subspace should come rushing back.

    {smiling} Over her last sentence. :)

    Take care

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    1. Thank you, Watson. It's funny how quickly actual D/s can snap me back to a good mental state. I get impatient when I want it to happen as easily and it doesn't.

      Unfortunately T tends to write these things off as feeling like she didn't really do anything wrong... or show understanding for the magnitude/depth of what it did. It's a habit of finding the "best" way to hurt me and then doing it naturally. This is what caused the trust breakdown on my end. It sucks.

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