Friday, July 1, 2016

Staying Grounded

Well, I have to say that it was a pleasant surprise to have my last Sea of Thoughts post generate a lot of discussion.  Whenever I write on a fairly extreme subject I generally later feel a bit of remorse for isolating something in a petri dish and completely out of a lifestyle context.

That being said, this is my time now to re-center myself about said topics and try to move them back to within a context that is more meaningful.

When I first started in the lifestyle, K was very clear that she wanted me to have a big list of limits in order to keep my imagination from running wild and putting myself into a position for potential harm.  She was also fairly new to the dominant role and I think it also helped give her a framework to build upon.

The way she laid out the difference between hard and soft limits were:
-Hard limits should not be broken under any circumstance.
-Soft limits were things that provided significant mental/emotional resistance for the Domme to be aware of.  She felt breaking a soft limit should have a "good reason" for doing so.

Originally I started off with roughly 10 hard limits and 12-15 soft limits.  As time has passed, relationships have grown, and I have acclimated more in my submission.  Soft limits are rare.  Hard limits are few and far between, but represent things that are important to me.

Some of these hard limits are common sense:
-Nothing illegal.
-Nothing involving animals or children.
-Nothing "life ruining."  Basically, nothing that would prevent being able to live a normal life if the relationship were to end.

One of these hard limits is for safety's sake:
-Nothing that would prevent exercising proper hygiene.

One of these is for my own mental/emotional well-being:
-No sexual contact with other men.

I will not partake in relationships where these limits will not be respected.

I have come to think upon soft limits as being conditional limits.  My willingness to partake in these would be heavily dependent upon the relationship and situation.  Without the security of marriage, some activities would be considered hard limits of mine, e.g. cuckolding.  I still consider public humiliation to be a soft limit, but it is one that has been broken several times over.

Chastity and forced feminization started out as soft limits.   Those limits have since been lifted for the most part and they both originated with behavioral correction/control in mind.  The logical battle easily overpowered my mental resistance and I accepted them.  Anal play was a hard limit of mine for 7 years.  I relaxed it willingly, but it was my attempt to salvage a relationship that was drifting apart.  

Another thing worthy of note is that I do not submit to just anyone.  I do not submit to just any woman.  For me to truly submit and be vulnerable, it requires love.  I have to love.  There must be a relationship that it is built around.  It is not just sex or play.  Submission isn't casual to me.  It is a lifestyle.  Without love and trust in place, it just doesn't happen for me.

To be with a woman and give her my all... that is what drives me.  To cherish her, love her, and please her, those are my goals.  I want to be worthy of her love even if that is never truly possible.  I'm actually a pretty hopeless romantic.

I really do love watching a Domme grow over time.  Watching her desires change, escalate, and intensify exhilarates me.  As D/s increases, so does the intimacy and strength of our bond.  The farther I am pushed, the closer I feel... the more special things feel... the more irreplaceable her love becomes.

I won't lie, submission intoxicates me.  I love it.  I need it.  But I do stay grounded.  I need love.  I need trust.  There are times where I need tenderness and closeness more than D/s dynamics. What really separates reality from fantasy for me is love.

I hope this makes some sense. 


  1. "Another thing worthy of note is that I do not submit to just anyone. I do not submit to just any woman. For me to truly submit and be vulnerable, it requires love. I have to love. There must be a relationship that it is built around. It is not just sex or play. Submission isn't casual to me."


    One of my favorite dialogues ever:

    Random person: You don't seem very submissive to me."

    Reply: Maybe that's because I'm not submissive to you.


    1. It has been similar for me too, Watson, especially at munches.

  2. I liked this a lot, and it makes total sense. Penney

  3. It always speaks volumes when a sub respects and trusts me enough to submit to me in any way. Love is always there even if it isn't spoken of often. Submission is the most precious gift.

    1. Thank you, Miss Lily.

      I'm glad that you see submission that way.

    2. Miss Lily - I agree that submission is a most precious gift, but are you saying that you always love your submissive, or vice versa, or both? I'm not sure that I understand.

    3. Lady Grey,
      I am saying that I always love the submissives whom submit to me on some level. It generally is something that is developed over time and not present in the beginning. Infact I find the timeframe in which they trust me and chose to submit after meeting me to always be a little shocking. I would want to know a person very well and understand thier sadism well before submitting in any type of play or d/s setting.

      They do often fall into a deeper love faster than me, but as you mentioned that is another topic.

      I always grow to love men who has continued to submitted to me or participated in an ongoing d/s dynamic . I find it hard to watch a sub grow and serve me well and not care about him at all. I love those who share their souls and deep emotions more deeply when compared to meeting physical needs. I believe that those whom I have loved deeply also loved me due to the strong emotional bond. Those that met my physical needs shared a love that developed over time but was not as deep and romantic.

      It may be note worthy that all but one started as friends

    4. Miss Lily - Thank you for the clarification. Interesting that you found submissives after friendship, for the most part. That wasn't the case for me. And a very good point about a male sub's inclination to trust a dom so quickly. Perhaps a reflection of the desperation many men experience in finding any Femdom at all. The cards are certainly stacked against a male hunting a female to dominate him in this world, thus causing a bit of insanity in trusting said female so quickly.

  4. This becomes something of a "which came first, the chicken or the egg?" sort of thing, at least for me. Just suppose we have a Femdom who desires to have a sub, and vice versa. Are you saying there must be LOVE from the start? Wouldn't work for me in the days before my husband arrived on the scene. I had numerous subs over the years, none of whom I loved from the start, and I believe the same was true for them. However, as time passed with a sub, and the relationship deepened, a form of love evolved in that it's quite touching to be trusted and desired in such a way, and one begins to have feelings for her submissive. The submissive often falls in love of a deeper sort, and that can be a problem when that level of love is not reciprocated, but that's another subject entirely.

    I must say though, that if I had required a love relationship from the beginning, I would never have been able to satisfy my needs or the needs of my sub(s). Even the man I eventually married could hardly have been said to be in love with me from the beginning, nor I with him. Putting such a barrier in the way would not have allowed that love to grow. So if you and Watson insist on being in love before you serve a dominant woman, well it seems like a very limiting factor to me. Or am I misreading you both?

    1. Thank you, Lady Grey.

      I will try to elborate to the best of my abilities. With both K and F, we had vanilla friendships that stemmed for months before starting a relationship. I think it is safe to say that in both cases I was smitten with the woman as much as the Domme. The emotional connection was strong before we entered into the relationships.

      With T, things started platonically. We talked for weeks with no intention of having a relationship before our meet up. It took me about 3 weeks into our relationship for me to fully fall in love.

      I think in my own case that there is a different level of submission with and without love. I can do some bedroom play or be my submissive self in day to day, but for me to really jump in fully with both feet, I need to feel a deep romantic and emotional connection. Eg I would not be comfortable with having my limits stretched in a brand new casual relationship. I do feel okay with it when it has reached that point through growth in a loving relationship.

      I have never been one to enter into casual relationships as I have always sought out life companions (even in high school). This is indeed a limiting factor.

      I do not necessarily think this is the "right way" to go about it, it is just how it has gone for me. I love getting to know a woman's mind. That is where I can see if she is someone I could feel safe giving my love to.

      I hope that makes some sense. I will freely admit that I am terribly awkward when it comes to dating or approaching women.

    2. Thank you, fur. I can see where you're coming from on this.