Thursday, June 16, 2016

A Sea of Thoughts: Experienced vs. Novice

A couple of things floated through my head today, one of which was brought on by a conversation about my past history and the other was based upon re-reading some old entries on another blog to refresh my memory in preparation for writing Arc 5 of fs01.

From a sub's perspective, I think it's probably a great disadvantage to have gone through several significant D/s relationships.  Each Domme has her own distinct style and preferences for lifestyle dynamics.  I know this was very clearly the case in my own relationships.  While I had hoped I would only ever need one relationship for the rest of my life, that unfortunately wasn't in the cards for me.  It did lead to a variety of experiences that I probably wouldn't have had otherwise.

When a D/s relationship builds around two central parties and the sub has little or no previous experience, I believe the gradual progression and growth by both parties tends to happen in a symbiotic way.  I've seen this while following other bloggers as they catalog the progression of their relationship.  Sub gets experience, craves more.  Domme gets experience, builds confidence, craves more.  Over time the dynamic grows more and more intense but always in a way that builds off of the previous experiences.  Assuming this relationship lasts at least 2-3 years or longer, it's pretty safe to say that most things "fit" pretty well in the long run.

If you aren't so lucky to have one relationship last, you're faced with a much more difficult task.  Each relationship where you reach a state one would call "trained," you have been acclimated to a certain dynamic and set of rules and expectations.  Assuming regular play is involved, your kinks are shaped in a way that works for the both of you.  If you picture yourself as somewhat of a "blank slate" at the start, if this relationship ends, your slate is now partially filled in with permanent marker.  Successive relationships gradually erode the open space and you find the deeper parts of your submissive have some fairly well-defined "triggers" that get you there.  If you are like me (using a description I am borrowing from a commenter) and "addicted" to deep levels of subspace, it feels almost as if these marks have been carved into the slate.  Changing to reverse those needs seems impossible or at least very difficult.

This creates a very difficult position to be in when it comes to "future relationships."  On one level, you are a weathered veteran and no one can doubt that you are serious about this lifestyle.  You aren't some wanker playing around in fantasy-land.  You're all in.  This is a need, not just a sex preference.  You are no longer a blank slate.

In some ways I feel like this is the difference between being a virgin or not.  Virgins may offer some appeal in that there are special experiences that can be shared with them that can only be had once.  They are more likely to be open-minded and allow coaching to do it right.  Non-virgins have the advantage of experience and the skills repetition can hone, but they already have an idea of how things should be done, which may or may not be how the other person likes it.

This is not to say that an experienced sub should feel like they are used or damaged goods, but the more sexual conditioning they have experienced, the more likely it is they will have to compromise in a future relationship and/or find someone who desires similar things to what is already clearly defined.

On occasion I have toyed with the idea of it being fun to go back to the days when just bondage was enough to get my head spinning.  That's not really realistic in the slightest so it's just an idea to be toyed with... it would be a lie to try to deny it though.

I think looking at how this same thing applies to Dommes is what makes it feel... rough to be a sub.  A Domme who has specific needs can basically choose someone who shares similar interests... or find someone who has a much cleaner slate and progress towards those interests with them.  Another option that I have seen done is to take on multiple subs to fill all of the roles if it is too difficult to locate a submissive Swiss army knife that is capable of the entire package.  It just feels like there's a lot of hope and potential here with the ability to shape someone or composite needs together with multiple bodies.

A veteran sub doesn't have the luxury of serving multiple Dommes in order to cater to their own needs or subspace so in may ways I think it can be a lot scarier.


  1. As a domme I can tell you: you are seeing things way to pessimistic; there is nothing to be scared of or afraid of. Have faith in yourself and in the woman.

    An experienced sub does have its (his? , sorry my english is not getting better...) appeal to a dominant woman. Regardless of how any other woman in your life might have shaped you, and regardless of how your mind has been wired through all your experience by now, the beauty of a true intimate domestic discipline relationship is that two people who actually care for each other WILL find a way to push each others buttons in a good way.

    I think it is fair to say that my new boy falls under the category "experienced sub". Does it make me insecure that he had so many other domes in his life? Yes, absolutely. Am I fearing to not be as hot /good/ kinky etc as all these women? Yes, I do.

    But is this a reason for me to NOT start on a new journey with him? Of course not. I can't wait to explore what he knows, what I know, what we both know and what works for both of us. :-)

    I think in the end we are all striving for contentment and bliss and happiness. And it is always possible to reach these feelings.

    The good thing with new relationships is that they open your mind again. In earlier relationships you might eg have been focused on canes and whips and severe beatings, and all of a sudden, in the new relationship the idea of getting a somewhat softer , but emotional challenging hand spanking can bring you in the very same intense place that you are generally craving for.

    Just my 2 cents.

    1. Thank you, Tina.

      I am glad that you see some strengths in this but still know some of the potential problems. You are correct in that new situations do bring you closer together, often in a different eay than before.

      I tried not to be too pessimistic in writing this, but I've had some insecurity pop up lately from interactions with other bloggers, so it may have been inevitable that it came off that way.

  2. Since I've been in the same relationship from the beginning of my experience, I often fantasize what it might be like to experience service with a different Mistress. Or being "loaned out" for service to another Mistress for a weekend. All that entails imagining what her requirements might be. Perhaps it is just the grass is always greener kinda thing.

    Also, I wonder what it might have been like had I started sooner with a Mistress that was already experienced. I don't generally tend to be one of those "what if", or "should of could of" kinda persons. I think it is much in the nature of being a submissive to want more though.

    1. Thank you, Penney. It can be interesting to be in situations that are asymmetric, that is, when the expwrience level of the two parties are not equal.

      Do you find your "loan out" fantasy usually involve another Domme that is equal to or more demanding than your current one?

    2. Interesting that you asked about my "loan out" fantasy. It would involve a Domme that would be more strict then my wife. I often imagine her sister in that role. I doubt she is a Domme, but she is aware that my wife requires that I wear panties. She is the only person besides my wife that knows this. I imagine it would be interesting to serve both sisters as Mistresses and be loaned to the sister as a domestic sub--dressed accordingly.

    3. Thank you, Penney. I was curious because of tour "grass is greener" comment. That fantasy seems to happen more often when there is the desire for greater dominance.

      I had a bit of those fantasies early on with K and later with T, but never while I was with F, who was the most intense of the 3 from a domination standpoint.

      It's almost like our submissive psyches are aware of when the intensity level is enough...

  3. Having an experienced sub makes things easier in many ways. He understands his own feelings about his submission, he is likely to undersrand more about his own hard limits, and also comes with skills that can be neat and unique, maybe something I like but generally dont train for. I dont rule out pre-owned subs when looking. Infact it lets me know he has an idea that submission is more than a hot jerk off fantasy.

    1. Thank you, Miss Lily. It is good that you see positives in it.

  4. Miss Lily makes some good points, but I personally prefer the virgin sub. It turns me on to take a novice into what is to be his new world, and shape him in any way I choose without having to deprogram or reprogram any previous sub learnings. In the past, I found that experienced subs were more trouble than they were worth, as they invariably tried to top from the bottom based on what they already experienced. No, give me the virgin sub every time.

    1. Thank you, Lady Grey. You must take great joy in the training process. I would have to guess it feels rewarding to see everything take shape.