Sunday, June 12, 2016

Burying the Alpha: A Team Effort

A recent post over at Femdom101 brought up a very interesting topic on dealing with the situation where a man lets their alpha persona surface.  It spawned some very good discussions.

This is an interesting topic since it really touches both sides of the equation.  I take it as inevitable that a man will occasionally bring his alpha persona into a D/s environment.  The frequency of this may vary greatly on a relationship by relationship basis, but I think it's safe to say that it has happened at least once to everyone.  In those relationships they may have found ways to prevent it from happening or it may be an ongoing problem.

Who does the responsibility fall on to prevent the alpha showing up?  I think it falls on both parties.

Unfortunately, as with many things, the bulk of this probably falls on the Domme.  I think that maintaining a D/s environment is critical for helping to keep the alpha persona in check.  Many ideas were shared to help this, most of which were preventative.

Some of the common ideas for preventing:
-Having the sub get naked upon returning home from work.
-Choosing the sub's clothing to wear on a daily basis.
-Injecting some feminine items, such as panties to keep him reminded all day.
-Using a pet name to address the sub.
-A collaring ritual upon their returning home from work.
-Corner time as an attitude adjustment if traces of the alpha are detected.

I agree with all of these ideas.  I think that anything involving rules or rituals that a sub must constantly be aware of and adhere to will always try to reinforce subspace and a submissive mindset.  Addressing with titles, body rituals, eye contact or speech rules, and the like can go a long ways in this.

Not a lot was discussed in regards to nipping things mid-alpha or even post-violation but I will assume that Dommes each have their own ways of dealing with these things.

Instigating corner time was a method brought up for stopping an alpha moment while it is happening and preventing further damage from it.

From the submissive point of view, there were a handful of things talked about in regards to their role in this.  A few subs felt it falls on the Domme to keep this in line.  A few others subs (myself included) felt we should be proactive in our attempts to rid ourselves of this nasty habit.

One sub in particular along with myself admitted that after having an alpha moment we are left with a huge amount of guilt over it that can stew on for weeks, feeling like it is a weakness and hoping to rid ourselves of it.

I deem having an alpha persona as necessary in order to deal with the rest of the world and in cases where the woman I love may be threatened in some way.  However, this is something I feel I should bury when in her presence.  It doesn't always work, but I have managed to decrease its frequency over the years.

One thing that works for me is when I get home after a hard day... everyone has these days.  Work sucks, traffic sucks, the weather sucks, tired, irritated, etc.  When I would reach the front door I would have a physical gesture that I would perform to show that I was "putting on my true face."  Around her, I don't need to keep up defenses and subdue vulnerability... around her I am supposed to be vulnerable and freely show her my love.  This gesture is a reminder for me to leave the baggage of the day at the door and remember that I am happiest when I am with her and able to be my true submissive self.  This was a preventative measure.

There are times when I could sense my alpha creeping in and ready to appear... or even having it already appear during interactions with her.  There is a certain feeling in my chest that feels like an intense spiking impulse.  I started to refer to this feeling as a "twitch of ferocity."  It manifests itself when I feel a perceived "threat" and it's a first line of defense.  It is almost impossible for me to sense this until after I have made a display of defiance or disobedience.  If I let it have free reign it would likely lead to a verbal altercation.  My method for dealing with this "twitch" was that immediately upon noticing it I would press my hands against my face and turn away.  I would lean over and breathe 1-3 times.  This gesture would help trigger a mild subspace and symbolize that I didn't want to be showing her that face as well as my shame for doing so.  I would often break off mid-sentence to do this.  After a few times, she knew what I was doing and didn't question it.

In its aftermath I would request some corner time and would find myself naked and kneeling in the corner, hands behind my head and crying out of frustration that I had failed her as a sub and failed myself as well.

As a concluding point, I think it falls upon both parties to keep this in check as best as possible.  The Domme's quantity and strictness of rules/protocols/rituals plays a large part in it.  This doesn't get the sub off the hook.  I also believe that a sub who wants to be the best submissive that they can be should naturally be searching for ways to suppress their inner alpha when it is not needed, learning how it feels and works within them, and doing the best they can to help the Domme keep it at bay, or ideally, never surfacing at all.

Any thoughts?


  1. Interesting thoughts fs. I liked your line, "I am happiest when I am with her and able to be my true submissive self." If it were up to me I would prefer to be in sub mode much more, but as you said, I think the alpha is sometimes necessary in the real world. We are both upset though when he appears at unwanted times, and I do feel guilty about it too.

    My Mistress uses several of the ideas from your list. I believe they do help. We use Penney as my pet name. She also selects my panties for me each morning after she receives her coffee in bed. I put them on and present myself for her inspection. When I get home from work I don't wear a collar but I do put on something girlie and cute before preparing dinner. She has never used corner time, but spankings get the point across. I like to think that I am now well trained enough that I'm not spanked as often.

    Not on your list, but mighty effective for me is a plug. I have a bit of a love hate relationship with them-depending on the size, haha. They do however function as a constant reminder of my submission. One can unfortunately forget about the panties, but hard to be alpha with a plug in you.

    1. Thank you very much for sharing, Penney.

      Having our alpha be able to surface when needed is quite important. In my comments on that post I elaborated more on it but I left that aspect out of this post.

      I have experienced both corner times and spankings. I think corner time is most effective when she wants to hold the spankings off until she calms herself but wants the attitude adjustment immediately.

      I have never experienced plugs before but I can see how they would be effective. By the time I released my hard limit on anything anal it was the tail end of our D/s activity.

  2. Husband Karl is the most alpha one can be at work. It ends when he comes through the front door, and I know that he loves that he can let it go. Of course, this has evolved over time due to his training at my hands (and feet), but from the very start he was able to separate his alpha from his submissive. Since he's the only man I've ever lived with (father excluded, of course), and he's never been the perpetrator of an "alpha mutiny", I really don't have any experience with this problem. I suppose it's more common than I thought, based on what you've written, but I strongly suspect that if it happened, it would be a one time event. I feel quite confident that I would see to that:)

    1. Thank you, Lady Grey. It seems to be most common when there is an inconsistent D/s dynamic, especially in households with children, etc.

      I would have guessed if Karl ever did that it would be a one-time event only :)