Friday, July 15, 2016

A Sudden Crash

I apologize for the lack of posts over the past couple of days.  fs01 Part 42 is half done.  A couple of nights ago T went at me again and it did a number on me emotionally.  It's very difficult and painful when this happens.  I feel a bit like a boxer who has to weather out a rain of blows from their opponent, hoping to block, dodge, duck, and defend against the onslaught, waiting for it to stop and hoping that you don't get knocked down in the process.

When it finally ends I reach out and try to see if there is some humanity present... a point to connect and bond... that will be open to receiving my feelings.  This last time there wasn't one and I have felt pretty terrible the last few days.  No motivation to write... and it feels quite ugly inside.  Last night as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep the feelings I had were incredibly intense in a bad way... namely, they are the thoughts and feelings I have when depression grips me.  It felt helpless and awful.

I reached out again last night even though I was terrified to do so, but keeping myself out of a backslide into the mess that I was trapped in for the past few years outweighed the present tense risk: it couldn't really make me feel any worse.  It wasn't too bad and we seemed to find an understanding point for now... but after 3 attacks in 2 weeks I'm still a bit scared.

Hopefully I will be able to snap myself out of it soon.


  1. *sigh* I'm so sorry.

    Vanilla relationships are plenty bad enough when they have the down portion of ups-and-downs. In my personal experience D/s relationships are so much worse, because I have no anchor.

    Take care

    1. Thank you, Watson.

      Arguments in a D/s relationship can be quite trying. I think that is why I have been in such need of a support system. It's hard having no one else to talk to.

      Our removal of 24-7 stemmed heavily from having arguments and having the "you're supposed to be a submissive" card being played so often that it blocked any chance at communication.

  2. Your current relationship seems so damaging, fur. I know that you're desperate to have it work, but at what point do you just reach the conclusion that it's all too much? I can almost hear your sighs as you say "Here we go again" when you're in the midst of these disagreements with T. Hopefully, you two can work it out soon.

    1. Thank you, Lady Grey. There are a lot of extra factors at play in the relationship that I have not shared on my blog that make it feel rather overwhelming.

      While my wanting to remain loyal and do all that I can unless she sends me away is rooted in my strength... my inability/unwillingness to take a different route is rooted heavily in my weakness. I just don't have enough confidence in myself. I tend to spiral and think about what will happen to me long-term and I just don't know if I can bear the trials I will have to face and in many ways that suffering is far worse than what I am experiencing now. It's not an attractive quality but it does weigh on me heavily in my choices. My writing about the difficulty subs have in finding new Dommes reflect part of (but not all of) the fears I have.

      Take care.