I apologize for the lack of posts over the past couple of days. fs01 Part 42 is half done. A couple of nights ago T went at me again and it did a number on me emotionally. It's very difficult and painful when this happens. I feel a bit like a boxer who has to weather out a rain of blows from their opponent, hoping to block, dodge, duck, and defend against the onslaught, waiting for it to stop and hoping that you don't get knocked down in the process.
When it finally ends I reach out and try to see if there is some humanity present... a point to connect and bond... that will be open to receiving my feelings. This last time there wasn't one and I have felt pretty terrible the last few days. No motivation to write... and it feels quite ugly inside. Last night as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep the feelings I had were incredibly intense in a bad way... namely, they are the thoughts and feelings I have when depression grips me. It felt helpless and awful.
I reached out again last night even though I was terrified to do so, but keeping myself out of a backslide into the mess that I was trapped in for the past few years outweighed the present tense risk: it couldn't really make me feel any worse. It wasn't too bad and we seemed to find an understanding point for now... but after 3 attacks in 2 weeks I'm still a bit scared.
Hopefully I will be able to snap myself out of it soon.