I type this mostly as an exercise. It is my attempt at an honest assessment of myself and partly some of the reasons why I make the choices that I do and on some levels feel such large amounts of anxiety or fear at the prospect of major change. This reveals a mix of the strength and weakness in my heart.
-Loyalty. I have had so many people over the years that have gotten what they could out of me and bailed. This may have been something superficial like me usually being able to find a party or a good time, having access to recreational drugs or booze in my youth, or even those who used me as a self-esteem stepping stool... getting close to me and I would build them up only to be abandoned when I wasn't needed. Many people are fair weather friends. They are there in the good but as soon as I would need them they wouldn't be bothered and were no where to be found. My family life growing up betrayed me on so many levels that I chose who I wanted to invest in and treated them like my family. It hasn't always worked out. T had been there for me like no one else has in my life. While things haven't always been smooth, I could always count on her being there. In turn, she could always count on me. She never left me due to my depression, I do not wish to leave her alone with her conditions. She didn't choose to have them... similarly it is a bit of a choice for her to not deal with them but I hope for the day when she will sort it all out.
-External factors. T has a son. I have never mentioned this before at all in our blog writings. He used to be with his father 4 months a year which would give us plenty of time to play openly. When he was present we kept things hidden although I would still openly practice chivalry and do many of the chores and cooking. I have never been someone that wanted children but I have made sure to never be anything like my parents. I have not always made the best choices in my role as father-figure but I made sure to never do some of the things that my parents did that pretty much severed any chance at forgiveness. I have helped watch over him and raise him from age 6 to 16, trying to be a symbol of consistency in his life and trying to be a friend and guide him away from the pitfalls in life. He also suffers from depression and anxiety and I do my best to keep him from destroying his future opportunities. If I walked away... I would be walking away from two people and not just one.
-My own failure. I am a national authority in a specialized field and have been since my 20's. Unfortunately there isn't a lot of rewarding career opportunities for this at this time (mostly freelance) and I was comfortable in the job I took after things ended with K. I took on a business venture in the time between F and T that blew up on me badly. I cut back on my primary job's hours as I pursued this dream. Everything that could possibly go wrong went wrong. It hurt me financially quite a bit. I met T during the tail end of this process. She has a good career and was okay with me as I was. My hours allowed me to be there when her son got home from school as he was prone to forgetting his keys and I was able to have dinner ready and waiting when she got home. When I would attempt to bring my hours back to full time I would inevitably get summoned by her to leave work and let him in. This was a chronic problem until this past year. Over time the work situation caught up with me and I am not in a great place with money at this time. I am in the process of working to improve this.
-Cold, Harsh, Reality. I am not young and full of potential like I once was. While I am very smart, my own anxiety issues and constant battle with depression make certain things more difficult than they should be. I am weak in many ways. My love for others is strong, my love for myself... not as strong. In the past month or two I have written about the terrible odds for subs approaching Dommes as this is something that has been on my mind. The mix of factors that I am going through in addition to my fetish set make me feel horribly unattractive. If you do a quick browse through profiles on adult sites it is easy to see why the idea of being alone terrifies me. For most people looking for a long-term relationship I do not pass their "screening process." On some levels it motivates me to make some changes but nothing is immediate and there are some things I cannot change: I am short and I am a sissy. As long as those things are more important than my personality, the depth of my love, the depth of my submission, my wit and humor, I cannot help but feel the way that I do: unattractive. Given time I am often able to win someone's heart through my personality and affection. I am not often given time.
I sort of hate dumping all of this out there. I fear that people will read this and think "man, this guy is weak as fuck." I am not comfortable exposing all of this but I should probably hit publish before I change my mind.