Saturday, July 16, 2016

The Quiet Storm

I type this mostly as an exercise.  It is my attempt at an honest assessment of myself and partly some of the reasons why I make the choices that I do and on some levels feel such large amounts of anxiety or fear at the prospect of major change.  This reveals a mix of the strength and weakness in my heart. 

-Loyalty.  I have had so many people over the years that have gotten what they could out of me and bailed.  This may have been something superficial like me usually being able to find a party or a good time, having access to recreational drugs or booze in my youth, or even those who used me as a self-esteem stepping stool... getting close to me and I would build them up only to be abandoned when I wasn't needed.  Many people are fair weather friends.  They are there in the good but as soon as I would need them they wouldn't be bothered and were no where to be found.  My family life growing up betrayed me on so many levels that I chose who I wanted to invest in and treated them like my family.  It hasn't always worked out.  T had been there for me like no one else has in my life.  While things haven't always been smooth, I could always count on her being there.  In turn, she could always count on me.  She never left me due to my depression, I do not wish to leave her alone with her conditions. She didn't choose to have them... similarly it is a bit of a choice for her to not deal with them but I hope for the day when she will sort it all out.

-External factors.  T has a son.  I have never mentioned this before at all in our blog writings.  He used to be with his father 4 months a year which would give us plenty of time to play openly.  When he was present we kept things hidden although I would still openly practice chivalry and do many of the chores and cooking.  I have never been someone that wanted children but I have made sure to never be anything like my parents.  I have not always made the best choices in my role as father-figure but I made sure to never do some of the things that my parents did that pretty much severed any chance at forgiveness.  I have helped watch over him and raise him from age 6 to 16, trying to be a symbol of consistency in his life and trying to be a friend and guide him away from the pitfalls in life.  He also suffers from depression and anxiety and I do my best to keep him from destroying his future opportunities.  If I walked away... I would be walking away from two people and not just one. 

-My own failure.  I am a national authority in a specialized field and have been since my 20's.  Unfortunately there isn't a lot of rewarding career opportunities for this at this time (mostly freelance) and I was comfortable in the job I took after things ended with K.  I took on a business venture in the time between F and T that blew up on me badly.  I cut back on my primary job's hours as I pursued this dream.  Everything that could possibly go wrong went wrong.  It hurt me financially quite a bit.  I met T during the tail end of this process.  She has a good career and was okay with me as I was.  My hours allowed me to be there when her son got home from school as he was prone to forgetting his keys and I was able to have dinner ready and waiting when she got home.  When I would attempt to bring my hours back to full time I would inevitably get summoned by her to leave work and let him in.  This was a chronic problem until this past year.  Over time the work situation caught up with me and I am not in a great place with money at this time.  I am in the process of working to improve this.

-Cold, Harsh, Reality.  I am not young and full of potential like I once was.  While I am very smart, my own anxiety issues and constant battle with depression make certain things more difficult than they should be.  I am weak in many ways.  My love for others is strong, my love for myself... not as strong.  In the past month or two I have written about the terrible odds for subs approaching Dommes as this is something that has been on my mind.  The mix of factors that I am going through in addition to my fetish set make me feel horribly unattractive.  If you do a quick browse through profiles on adult sites it is easy to see why the idea of being alone terrifies me.  For most people looking for a long-term relationship I do not pass their "screening process."  On some levels it motivates me to make some changes but nothing is immediate and there are some things I cannot change:  I am short and I am a sissy.  As long as those things are more important than my personality, the depth of my love, the depth of my submission, my wit and humor, I cannot help but feel the way that I do: unattractive.  Given time I am often able to win someone's heart through my personality and affection.  I am not often given time.

I sort of hate dumping all of this out there.  I fear that people will read this and think "man, this guy is weak as fuck."  I am not comfortable exposing all of this but I should probably hit publish before I change my mind. 


  1. Well I read this and thought: man this guy is someone capable of immense devotion, considerable inner strength (which fools can't see), intelligence, honesty, openness and someone I admire for his courage and for the places in which he has struggled. And compassion, not pity for his ongoing struggles.

    When I was a boy, I thought being strong was never having fear or doubts, I believe real strength is being able to honestly assess what is going on and doing the best one can. I believe you do that.

    Your comment about your parents struck home. As I raised my son, my prime focus was to NEVER behave the way either of my parents treated me. It seems to have paid off.....and there is some comfort in knowing that you are the one to have broken what are usually generational cycles of harm.

    1. Thank you, Watson. I was very hesitant to reveal some of this... mostly because I just... well didn't want to. I know that mentioning T's son probably would probably give a little bit more insight onto the subject. There is a life going on that is bigger than my own.

      The rest of things... well... in a lot of ways I just don't feel strong enough. If things were going to end the "best time" would have probably been when we turned the D/s off. Unfortunately that also precluded some major surgery for T that required a significant recovery time and was not an appropriate time. Once things had continued past that and I had become a regular figure in her son's life and I would not feel right just bailing on that before he gets older. I'm not sure if that comes off as an "excuse" or "responsible" but I guess that is open to interpretation.

      My actual goal with parenting was to never reproduce so that whatever insanity that plagues my brain ends with me. The biggest favor I could do for a child is to avoid passing that on. When I accepted the relationship with T there was a lot of learning involved on that front, mostly just not doing what my parents did. e.g. avoid passive-aggressive mind games, never hit the child, talk to them like a person, etc.

      I have resolved to see things through for now and hope for a return to better days. By the time I won't feel as responsible for things I hopefully will be in a better position to assess things and whether or not happiness is possible.

    2. I think that is very wise. And I think it is extremely responsible and not at all any kind of excuse.

      I continue to be stunned that my son attributes many of his wonderful qualities to me. I am so stunned that while I know he is sincere, I can't help feeling he is giving me far too much credit.

      But I did learn that as a parent you can make all kinds of mistakes that apparently don't matter much as long as you get a few key things right. As in my case, never behaving as either of my parents did: allow the child to be a child, don't put them in a place where at age 5 they feel they have to "manage" the alleged adults in order for that child to survive.

  2. First of all, bravos to Watson for the following:

    "Well I read this and thought: man this guy is someone capable of immense devotion, considerable inner strength (which fools can't see), intelligence, honesty, openness and someone I admire for his courage and for the places in which he has struggled. And compassion, not pity for his ongoing struggles."

    Well said, and I couldn't agree more.

    Fur, you've shared so much of yourself in your writings. It takes courage to do that, and you should never think of yourself as weak in any way. It's clear to me that you're remarkably generous toward the people you connect with daily; loyal, caring and steadfast as well. Any fools who see that as "weakness" really aren't worth the time to deal with.

    I totally sympathize with your fear of what might happen if you had to start all over again at this stage of your life. I find it annoying that Femdoms use the internet as a place to "filter out" potential subs. If ever there were a time to do things in person it would certainly be found in the process of connecting with someone for a potential B/d relationship. I simply can't imagine accepting or rejecting someone without a face to face conversation, and I do not trust the internet to provide anything close to that, Skype or not. I see your dilemma, and I wish I had an answer to "how do you meet and interact with a potential Dom?". The odds are clearly against you, and since you're no longer a young man, it's even worse. So I suspect you'll hang in with the person who - at least at some time in the past - was right for you until/unless things get so much worse than they currently are, especially with her son in the picture. As always, fur, my thoughts and hopes are with you. Take care.

    1. Thank you Lady Grey. I don't wish to divert this topic but I did want to thank you for your kind words.

    2. Thank you, Lady Grey. I know that my problems with T have wrecked me quite a bit over the course of my blog. I know at certain times the clear cut advice over the information I have provided is probably "get out of there!" but a lot of that is my fault for only supplying partial information due to previous privacy concerns. I wrote this mostly to provide complete information so that my behavior is easier to understand... since life itself isn't really clear cut for me.

      I try to be reasonable with what my fears, anxiety, and depression will allow of me. It is not always easy, but I do the best that I can while knowing myself and considering how it will affect others. :)

      I do agree with your assessment that if I do initiate changes they will likely happen down the road after things have reached a point that I can't handle anymore and my responsibilities are no longer a part of the equation.

      Take care.

  3. Correction: I said B/d when I meant D/s . Sorry for any confusion.

  4. Today I happened upon this (entirely serendipitous):

    "Courage is a heart word. The root of the word courage is cor - the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant 'To speak one's mind by telling all one's heart.' Over time, this definition has changed, and today, we typically associate courage with heroic and brave deeds. But in my opinion, this definition fails to recognize the inner strength and level of commitment required for us to actually speak honestly and openly about who we are and about our experiences -- good and bad. Speaking from our hearts is what I think of as "ordinary courage."

    Brené Brown

    1. Thank you, Watson. This made me smile.

    2. Cheers for serendipity! I love that earlier definition. Thank you for sharing it, Watson.

  5. First, I would like to thank you for your having the courage to post this.

    Next, kudos to Watson for his first paragraph. It is well said, but I would like to add the following.

    While the odds may be against you, I do feel that you are being too hard on yourself. I would hate to hear that your fear of starting over or finding a new Domme who matches your needs and accepts you for the truly beautiful soul you are could keep you in an unhappy place. I would like to assuage your fear of not being accepted or being too old but I will not waste my breathe as I feel you won't listen to me anyway.

    The rest of my comments relate to the following quote:
    "On some levels it motivates me to make some changes but nothing is immediate and there are some things I cannot change: I am short and I am a sissy. As long as those things are more important than my personality, the depth of my love, the depth of my submission, my wit and humor, I cannot help but feel the way that I do: unattractive"

    There is nothing wrong with being short. I may be biased, being short myself, but you being short seems like a crazy thing to mention here. It would be like saying "no one wants to date me because my eyes are not blue" You should not be ashamed to be a sissy. It is a part of who you are and I don't see that as unattractive. I have seen a devoted, kind,caring, athletic, smart, witty, funny, talented, honest man with an array of great qualities.

    1. Thank you, Miss Lily. I always appreciate your kind words.

      Unfortunately, the self-consciousness with my height has been earned. While it is something completely out of my control it often serves as one of the basic filters, often from what a woman finds physically attractive and in other cases if women are self-conscious about being tall. The height requirement is a common one on Domme profiles. Oddly enough, both K and T were/are taller than me and actually enjoy that fact. I still vividly remember during my search... finding a profile and going "wow, this woman sounds amazing" only to have the last line be "you must be at least 6'3" and feeling dejected. The extremely common "DO NOT CONTACT ME IF YOU ARE A SISSY!!!!" line is also a big one.

      I completely understand the filters... Dommes get bombarded with garbage mail. I can't help but feel a little down when the filters seem to be about the things that I am. That being said, I am not seeking right now, but the memory haunts me :)

      The fact that people have shared their thoughts on me makes me happy.

      Thank you again.