Getting back on track with a good set of thoughts has been rough since my argument with T a couple of weeks ago. This past weekend I had I had a conversation with some somewhat estranged family and when they asked, I shared with them the process I have been going through since writing my Reflections posts.
What I ultimately crave through submission is "safe" vulnerability. So much is spent in our lives guarding our deepest and most sincere versions of ourselves from the pains of the outside world. Allowing my heart to be fully exposed brings out my truest feelings and the only part of myself that I think is beautiful.
The idea of safe vulnerability might seem odd since I am seeking something that is inherently unsafe. Though loving submission I trust her to protect the parts of me that are dear to the both of us. T violated that trust and it caused me to shut that part down for a bit and it is also the reason that we stopped practicing D/s on a lifestyle 24-7 basis. This trust can't be built overnight... but unfortunately it can come crumbling down in a heartbeat.
I seek the times when I show her everything. I cannot hide. I am exposed. I feel her eyes piercing into and exploring my soul. I am afraid but my love gives me strength. My desire to give her my all consumes me; I will do anything to see her smile and see the warmth of her eyes. We can linger in the moment or plunge even deeper, twisting me with trials and tests, challenging my obedience. I offer myself to her freely, some days she accepts it graciously, other days she seizes it and pries it from me even though I do not resist. While she possesses me I overflow with my love for her, she is my Queen, my Goddess, the one who keeps my soul. I hide nothing and fear cannot hold me back. This is my ultimate vulnerability.
I cannot say why I long to have my vulnerability poked, prodded, and in some ways exploited. I do know there is a line that should never be crossed; I never wish to be severely damaged in a purposeful or hurtful way.
In the past week or so I have come to realize that writing my fs01 story is not so much my exploration of subspace, but it is actually my attempt to experience and explore the my own vulnerability through the eyes of the main character. While the events may seem a bit extreme at times, I explore the limits of my heart and project the tension and release that makes the D/s bonds so intense. As in real life there are parts that have made me laugh, others have brought me to tears, and most importantly I have again felt the deep love that falls at the core of my submission. I sometimes wish that the feelings were real but for the time being it is what I have to work with and I try to make the best of it while I wait for a time when I can feel safely vulnerable once again.
In many ways I think our willingness to be vulnerable dictates the limits of our submission. It affects how deeply we allow ourselves to love and the bonds we creates. It compliments her dominance and allows me love freely and create the intimacy we both desire. I really do miss it.