Saturday, July 16, 2016

Grasping Sadism

Over the course of my recent writing and the feedback I have received, especially in regards to fs01, I feel like I am starting to get a better grasp of sadism.  It is quite fascinating to me since I'm finding a ton of "middle ground" and seeing just where certain lines disconnect.  For the sake of this post I will assume a sadist has to let their sadism out to play on some level and doesn't just keep it buried inside. 

I believe for most, he term sadist seems to bring about certain images and associations that we have of what we believe a "sadist does" even if we have no understanding of what it does to them inside as the driving force for why.  I think to the general populace, they view most sadism as a physical act.  To obtain joy from inflicting pain and suffering.  I think it is mostly within the BDSM community that we understand on some level that sadism extends to the mental/emotional level as well. 

If you think of a teenage bully, passing boredom by terrorizing a victim with physical and/or mental harm, rarely does the term "sadist" come to mind.  I believe the difference is the factor of control.  The bully is out of control and uncertain of why he does what he does while the sadistic Domme is completely in control, carefully crafting events and behaviors that cause the victim to suffer in an exquisite way. 

What keeps the sadist from being anti-social (in a clinical sense) is consent.  The thought of kidnapping and torturing someone is not something she would actually perform, although she may be willing to pretend to kidnap a consenting individual and act out this fantasy in a controlled way.  Acknowledging this difference is what keeps them falling into the realm of the negative words that end in ____path.  Consent is what makes it okay and guilt free.  A willing partner craving her sadism is no more weird than her desire to wield it. 

The reactions to some of the events in my fiction have left me a little bit confused.  I don't quite understand why some events spoke to readers while others provide a fairly drastic split: namely, some events did nothing for the Dominant readers but the same events drove the submissive readers wild.

To be honest, when I began to first write overt sadism into the story it was with F in mind.  She had kind of a straight-forward way in which it affected her arousal... a "general sadist" so to speak.  The more it hurts him, the more he suffers, the more he struggles... the more she liked it.  This applied to both external and internal suffering.  I understood her mind and as she spread her wings she was fearsome.  I have read about women similar to F and had guessed this was sort of... how things often were.  Most subs that crave sadists tend to like this idea of general sadism.  The more she exerts her power the more attractive it is... the deeper into subspace they tumble.

What I am finding out is that F was more of a special case than a general rule.  Most sadists are quite a bit more complex... they have areas that speak to them strongly and others that are of no appeal at all.  I still feel like things are incredibly hit or miss as I do not fully grasp the extent of the limits and boundaries within their own fantasies (or realities) and I believe each has specific factors that are their own unique triggers setting this off. 

In many ways it is probably better for a sub to not understand all of its intricacies... that keeps this interesting... a guessing game... the possibility for surprise.  Predictable gets boring. 


  1. Yes, predictable is boring. That's why so much of the responsibility for a successful D/s relationship falls on the D. It's up to the Dom to keep things fresh and alive, and sadism makes that a lot easier. As one myself, I can say that the inner workings of a sadist are complicated and hard to explain, but the "turn on " factor can't be ignored. Since acting like a sadist comes naturally to said sadist, it's far easier to come up with new and exciting ways to torture your victim, always realizing that internal limits are in play, and that certain levels of sadism are taboo, hopefully by choice. There are areas and levels of sadism that hold no appeal to me, so my internal limits act as a natural protective measure for both myself and my victim. One would hope that this is true for all sadists in the D/s world, but I am well aware that some take it much too far. The ladies in your latest episodes of the fiction fur story being a prime example.

    And yet....would you be writing the scenes you're writing in re the grad students if it didn't hold some level of appeal for you? Maybe just as fantasy, but there must be some latent desire there, no? Ah well, it would be so frustrating for a sadist not to have a consenting victim, wouldn't it? That's where the latest installments of fiction fur cross the line. He's not at all consenting to his present circumstances, and I suspect that's why some of your readers may be finding it difficult to read and comment on. One could easily become a bit squeamish at the current state of affairs. What do you think?

  2. Thank you, Lady Grey. I think you are a wonderful and fascinating individual. In the entirety of your blog posts I have always gotten a sense that you know the realistic limits of what you deem acceptable and what Karl can handle. Your exploration of the more extreme edges has always been from a point of trust and consent. I applaud you for that.

    My experiences with sadists has often been that a good number of them have suppressed the more cruel instincts for so long that when they finally do manifest it is often after years (sometimes decades) of secret and hidden fantasy. They often have not found the lines within themselves where realistic and sustainable actions cross over into damaging actions. As they explore their dark side further and further they inevitably push their subs extremely hard and the subs get shattered over and over until they reach a point where the subs can basically accept anything (making the lines even more blurry).

    As for Arc 6... I think this is an example of where that disconnect between a "controlled sadist" vs. a "limitless sadist" and how submissives may happen. While writing from subspace it feels completely reasonable for fs to accept Cassandra's decisions and endure anything rather than feeling like he let her down. I also am writing Cassandra from a point of exploring her lines and uncertain about what she herself truly craves and needs.

    I think following Arc 5 fs is grasping the changes that are happening within Cassandra and he values her self-discovery over his own well-being.

    If any of it is a latent desire of mine... I believe it is mostly from an "I could handle that" standpoint vs. a "I would want that" standpoint.

    Where things differ is that I see his participation as consensual. To me the only true non-consensual part of the entire story was Part 7 with fs's kidnapping. The emotional strain from "losing his Mistress" in Arc 1, Arc 2, and Arc 4 dwarf the pain he is in now. If Cassandra believes him capable of handling this and trusts him to play his part, he would consent to it in a heartbeat in order to make her proud.

    The best way I could describe the mindset of fs for this is that it is probably similar to what Karl goes through when you have loaned him out on his slave weekends. His fear of letting you down or reflecting poorly on you trumps anything he might have to face. I guess a way of looking at it might be what would happen if Karl spent 27 days a month as a slave and 3 days as a man... instead of vice versa.

    I know when I am writing I can't quite pick up where the line between squeamish starts... I just know from your feedback and Miss Lily's when I have "gone too far." At the same time my male reader feedback is often "this is great, keep it going." Odd stuff but quite interesting to me.

    I will say this... after the 2nd prison chapter I knew what I was missing and have been working to write my way out :) Keeping part of the man intact is important to me as it is with many others.

    I hope these thoughts make some semblance of sense.

    Take care and thank you very much for the input.

  3. Thank you for your kind words, Fur. As to our "consent" disagreement, I'll have to accept your view since you are, after all, the author. Perhaps I'm underestimating fiction fur's level of commitment to Cassandra, though I personally would never ask such levels of commitment of a sub under my command, if for no other reason than to protect him from himself. I'm afraid I'd have to slap Cassandra if I ever met her:) Much like I wanted to slap my friend Vanessa when she abused Karl so fiercely.

    I must say I find it interesting - and a bit disconcerting - to hear that males are much more accepting of the abuse that you have going on than females. Maybe that's where reality differs from fantasy. I daresay many of those males might feel differently if actually put to the test:)

    1. Thank you, Lady Grey. fs is definitely at a point where he would never refuse her and would probably experience significant and crushing emotional pain if he were to even consider it. The biggest part of fs's ability to endure Arc 6 is that he knows there is an end if he stays the course. I did have Vanessa and Patsy a bit in mind when I have written most of my "loan out" chapters. In many ways I wanted to portray fs as someone who is devoted so deeply... that he will endure anything to please her... no matter how unreasonable or difficult the experience. Thankfully this chapter is almost over.

      I agree with you that it is disconcerting... to be honest, I scare the shit out of myself and I have heard from a sub or two that feels the same way. I reach a mind-state when I have been significantly broken and cannot refuse... it doesn't even appear as an option. I may regret the outcome but the thought doesn't even cross my mind. It is terrifying.

      I do not think that all submissives reach this state... but I do know that some do.

  4. I recently read a post from a spankee (I wouldn't call him a submissive in the true BDSM sense, but rather, a corporal punishment/discipline recipient). He recounted something very similar to what you describe here on another blog:

    "Without going into all the details, (my sweetie) and I have a long distance relationship and we've discussed the effectiveness of her making use of a third party (a mutual friend) to help me with some accountability issues like procrastination, sleep habits, etc whenever she isn't with me. During a surprise visit from this woman a few months ago - she became increasingly frustrated as more and more of the stuff I had not done became evident - until finally she went off the deep end, and dragged me upstairs for what I knew would not be a "fun" kinda spanking. Well, in the course of her olympic caliber fussing, scolding and lecturing she kept working herself into a fever pitch, which in turn - found expression through a series of implements as I was bent across an ottoman. This is hard to articulate, but I sort of found myself slipping away - I suspect it may have been the mythical "subspace" that gets mentioned - but at the time I had no idea what was happening in my head, but I did know that my butt was on the edge of blistered , and then I saw her pick up a large, 1/2" thick wooden paddle tennis racket with holes....

    Everything in my brain said to say "no", or "start begging", or plead or yell "uncle" - but I didn't...I couldn't. She laid into me pretty close to full force at least a dozen times - and the only thing I heard come out of my mouth were grunts and groans. When she was done, I would not move (could not move) was the closest I've been to feeling absolute and complete mental and physical submission."

    It seems that there are some circumstances where you get into subspace or whatever you want to call it, and lack the capacity to consent. The guy who wrote the above post is very experienced.

    1. Thank you very much for sharing this.

      Without having more info I would have to guess that he did reach subspace but I might also speculate that he may have hit a deeper connection... eg. he may have felt on some level that this was deserved. Verbal scolding accompanying discipline is often used to drive a lesson home in such a way.

      Quite interesting.

    2. He said afterward, he was really bothered by it, but that luckily the woman had his "best interests" at heart, and he ultimately felt it was deserved. Nevertheless, he used it as a cautionary tale to warn other board members that the ability to give and withdraw consent is not sufficient to ensure your safety. You have to know the domme (or in his case, disciplinarian) well enough to be convinced of their good intentions and concern for your (ultimate) well being.

    3. Thank you for sharing.

      Trust is very paramount. It is especially important to those of us who somewhat crave to reach that state since that ultimately leaves us completely vulnerable.