Some recent back and forth with Watson and Lady Grey have really gotten me thinking more heavily upon the process of breaking a sub to deeper levels of subspace. In some ways I feel like I should talk about more day to day things, but seeing as I don't have a current day to day and the lack of writing on topics like these it seems okay.
The back and forth, push and pull of sadism and the way that submission adapts to it is definitely fascinating to me. Thinking back over the years, I probably have around 7-10 events/activities that really broke me in such a way... they expanded the deep end of my subspace pool, making it both wider and deeper.
There was one common theme among everything: They were all things that I had a strong mental aversion to in the first place. I don't think our reasons for wanting to avoid something are always good ones. Some of them make total sense and most of these fall into the category of hard limits. Not wanting to do anything illegal, nothing that involves animals, no children, nothing that could ruin your life, and so on. These SHOULD have a strong mental resistance. Not all of these things are quite so simple.
A lot of things that I wished to avoid were rooted in fear, pride, or confusion. With K, I did not want to be feminized. I found it crushing and its aftermath left me a different submissive than I was before. Why did I want to avoid this? It would change the definition of who I was. While she had me doing research on the BDSM lifestyle, it took me all of about five minutes to realize that there was a tremendous amount of prejudice, disgust, and disdain for "sissies." At the time I was fine being a submissive. I was fine being her toy. I was fine being a lot of things. I did not want to be a sissy. I did not want to carry that stigma. On some level, I think I was afraid I would like it. The mental barrier was very strong.
Once she set her mind to it I knew she would never budge. I resisted at first but it was soon clear that she would try to break me until I accepted it. She knew my fears. She felt my obedience was more important. When it happened, the defensive barriers I had assembled were knocked down in an instant. The fears and insecurities were now true and I hated feeling this way. When she first put the scarf on me and the hat on my head and made me look in the mirror, it was obvious to the both of us that the depth of my submission had changed forever. I cried at knowing that I was different now. She drove the message home by calling me "sissy slave" instead of "pet" whenever I was wearing something she ordered me to wear.
This was my first significant D/s event over the course of my life. The event that had the greatest impact on my subspace happened with T.
Anal play had been on my hard limits since I entered the lifestyle. About seven years in, I had experienced almost everything I could imagine. I had been restrained in almost every way imaginable, used as a sex toy and held to nearly impossible standards for endurance, I had spent time in chastity, I had experienced forced feminization, I had been beaten or spanked with 30+ different objects, I had been humiliated in public, restrained in public, outed to vanilla friends, used by other Dommes, spent entire days as a servant without speaking, put through extreme pain/torture, and so on. Anything up my butt was a hard limit. I didn't have a "good" reason except almost a PTSD level of distrust towards men and a huge aversion to anything resembling a penis entering me.
This was pretty much an insurmountable barrier. After my relationship with T started to deteriorate and she began spending (most of her free) time with other subs so that she could peg them, I swallowed my pride and released my hard limit. I knew that I would resist. I knew that I would use any out possible. We resolved this by locking a gag in my mouth, locking my wrists to my ankles, and a spreader bar. T was gentle. I bawled, sobbed, and screamed from behind the gag. My tears soaked the bed. I thrashed and bucked and fought to get away. There was no escape. In its aftermath I fell limp on the bed in a heap while she undid the locks. I wept for an hour, unable to move. She pressed her body against me and comforted me. It broke me completely. It was the first time that I knew I would never be able to resist her again. The next night I asked her if she wanted to do it again.
Looking back I see that these two events affected me so profoundly since I did NOT want to do them. I don't think they were enough to get me to want to leave the relationship, but within the relationship they were just things that I had my mind made up about... I never wanted them to happen.
I see now that the strength of my resistance affected the amount of backlash each provided. There are things that we would rather not do, things we do not like to do, and so on. The resistance is minor in most cases, it's easier to scrub a toilet than it is to have a disappointed Mistress. While the thought of "I'm doing something I dislike" may help some mild subspace, there is not enough of a recoil to do anything significant. The way I see it is that the amount of resistance to the act ends being reflected in the depth of subspace it can push us to. The more of a mental/emotional struggle we undergo, the more it changes us.
I have a fairly vivid imagination and can "simulate" how I would probably react in subspace to many ideas and fantasies. There aren't many activities left (outside of standard sane hard limits) that could affect me so deeply. Thankfully many of them are of very limited appeal (scat, blood, mutilation, etc.). The others are fairly real fears. A brief list:
-Permanent chastity (currently a hard limit but a chance of it becoming soft)
-Cuckolding (a hard limit with men, open for Lesbian cuck)
-Forced bi (a hard limit)
-Being loaned to a Maledom (a hard limit)
-Complete humiliation outing (possibly covered under the "nothing life ruining" hard limit)
Another odd observation is that I have gone through many things that I thought were no big deal but often affect others profoundly. These had little if any effect on my subspace.
It really is strange how the mind works. The more reasons we have for not wanting to do something, the more painful it is when we actually do it. Some of these are illusions and exist only in our mind. Others are more serious and painful.