I have generally felt that my draw to D/s and why I flow naturally within it was due to my emotional damage. E.g. Earning love, proving my love by jumping through the required hoops and so on. This provides me a sense of order in what would otherwise be a life full of chaos.
A comment exchange with another blogger last night allowed me to peel back another layer and understand a deeper factor involved in it all. Much of my depression and issues with self-worth stem heavily from feeling helpless. The best way to describe this is that much of the time, life feels out of control. It doesn't matter how good of a person you are, how capable you are, and so on. Much of life is random and chaotic; a game with ever-changing rules that is won by dumb luck or knowing how to use and exploit those rules.
The rules are constantly in flux. The game changes constantly. Image trumps substance. Exploitation trumps talent. Posturing trumps insight. It feels out of control. "Winning" involves playing the short-run. It is a game I do not wish to play. I inevitably lose. It feels helpless... senseless... and false.
There are many aspects of the game I could never win. I'm not pretty enough. I don't project a strong enough false bravado. I don't like to use other as stepping stones. I don't like to tell anyone anything that isn't true. I hate to play because it is out of my control... there are too many parts that I simply cannot win and others that will not win because I refuse to compromise my values. It feels like chaos. It feels helpless.
D/s is the game I thrive in. The rules are agreed upon at the start. I play the game within them. Winning and losing are under my control. Reward and punishment are earned. The game is logical, rational, and more importantly, I feel like I am in control of my own destiny. I feel empowered. I am not helpless. I will be judged upon my merits. This is a game I can win.
I believe this is why I find D/s so calming to my soul. It is strange that I feel most empowered when I submit to another.