I was debating whether or not I should post this but after the post from a couple nights ago I should probably give a follow up.
I had my first drink in 14 years last night. I did not get drunk, but I nursed a mix of 1 oz of whiskey with 12 oz of soda over about 3 hours. It wasn't on a whim. This was something I had been deliberating about for the past 8 months or so. While it might not have been a recommended action, I spoke about it with T for a good bit beforehand.
The past few weeks have been rough. I had been getting about 3 hours of sleep a night with feelings of anxiety, loneliness and isolation plaguing me well into the night. We discussed several options and decided it would be okay for me to try this instead of sleeping pills (those only work about half the time and give me a hangover).
Within 10 minutes of the first sips the "edge" was gone. The anxiety and negative space faded away. I found myself tired soon after, realizing just how emotionally and physically exhausted I was. While I wasn't able to fall asleep immediately, I finally drifted off around 12:45 instead of 4:00-4:30 that had become the norm.
I slept hard. I had dreams for the first time in weeks. I woke up feeling refreshed physically, mentally, and emotionally. I had the morning off and the first thing I wanted to do this morning was write. My heart was open. I quickly churned out 800 words and felt completely connected to the story and its feelings as I did while writing the earlier chapters.
Only time will tell if this is a bad decision or not. I do have a system in place that should keep things under control, e.g. there is no chance I will end up an alcoholic. I do not plan to have a drink tonight. The feeling in my chest that lets me know I am in a bad spot isn't there today. I'm not feeling high-strung either. I am excited to write again and I have ideas for chapter 46 as well.
I apologize if any of this seems sad or pathetic but I don't really care as I'm feeling pretty good. I will also note that it wasn't just the booze that did this. The comments I receive on my blog and the feelings of the people out there supporting me played a large part in this as well. It's one thing to silence the negative feelings... it's another one to have positive feelings. The positives come from those who have reached out to me. Thank you.
On a side note, I had my first negative experience on Wordpress today when I read an excellent post from a kink blogger on depression. I praised them and left some personal and heart-felt comments on it only to have them delete my comments within 5 minutes of posting them. A few days ago that would have likely left me feeling pretty screwed up inside. While it stung a bit, within a couple of minutes I just shrugged it off with a "fuck 'em" and stopped following. I feel good enough right now to believe it is their loss more than mine.
Thank you everyone for putting up with my moody bullshit :D