Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Improving Mood

I was debating whether or not I should post this but after the post from a couple nights ago I should probably give a follow up.

I had my first drink in 14 years last night.  I did not get drunk, but I nursed a mix of 1 oz of whiskey with 12 oz of soda over about 3 hours.  It wasn't on a whim.  This was something I had been deliberating about for the past 8 months or so.  While it might not have been a recommended action, I spoke about it with T for a good bit beforehand.

The past few weeks have been rough.  I had been getting about 3 hours of sleep a night with feelings of anxiety, loneliness and isolation plaguing me well into the night.  We discussed several options and decided it would be okay for me to try this instead of sleeping pills (those only work about half the time and give me a hangover). 

Within 10 minutes of the first sips the "edge" was gone.  The anxiety and negative space faded away. I found myself tired soon after, realizing just how emotionally and physically exhausted I was.  While I wasn't able to fall asleep immediately, I finally drifted off around 12:45 instead of 4:00-4:30 that had become the norm.

I slept hard.  I had dreams for the first time in weeks.  I woke up feeling refreshed physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I had the morning off and the first thing I wanted to do this morning was write.  My heart was open.  I quickly churned out 800 words and felt completely connected to the story and its feelings as I did while writing the earlier chapters. 

Only time will tell if this is a bad decision or not.  I do have a system in place that should keep things under control, e.g. there is no chance I will end up an alcoholic.  I do not plan to have a drink tonight.  The feeling in my chest that lets me know I am in a bad spot isn't there today.  I'm not feeling high-strung either.  I am excited to write again and I have ideas for chapter 46 as well.

I apologize if any of this seems sad or pathetic but I don't really care as I'm feeling pretty good.  I will also note that it wasn't just the booze that did this.  The comments I receive on my blog and the feelings of the people out there supporting me played a large part in this as well.  It's one thing to silence the negative feelings... it's another one to have positive feelings.  The positives come from those who have reached out to me.  Thank you.

On a side note, I had my first negative experience on Wordpress today when I read an excellent post from a kink blogger on depression.  I praised them and left some personal and heart-felt comments on it only to have them delete my comments within 5 minutes of posting them.  A few days ago that would have likely left me feeling pretty screwed up inside. While it stung a bit, within a couple of minutes I just shrugged it off with a "fuck 'em" and stopped following.  I feel good enough right now to believe it is their loss more than mine. 

Thank you everyone for putting up with my moody bullshit :D


  1. Well, if this is moody bullshit, I'm batshit crazy. Lol!

    My stomach dropped a little when I read you had a drink for the first time in 14 yrs (my mom is an alcoholic), but so glad to hear it was only a little and it did help. It sounds like you'll be careful. :)

    I'm happy to have found your blog. I haven't gone back to look at your other posts (not enough time in the day), but it seems like you keep it real and appreciate that in a person, so very much. I have a tendency to want to say a lot when I come across these types of posts because they bring out so much emotion in me, but I hold back for one reason or another... I'm doing that now, btw.

    I'm blown away that someone deleted your comment. I feel sorry for people like that--they are missing out.

    1. Thank you, Misty.

      I am glad you are here. I originally blogged 2010-2012 but then took a break due to depression. In the older days I mostly wrote about D/s theory, fantasy, and tried to figure out my place within it. Since my return to blogging I have taken a lot more personal of a voice... and let all of my crazy hang out in the open.

      If you are curious about my D/s past I have a page with a series of posts called Reflections that I wrote.

      Feel free to speak freely here. I try to respond to every comment and question.

      As for the drink, I will make sure to keep it in check. I drank heavily from age 16-18 with a smattering of drinks from 21-23, but I think at this stage in my life I can keep it under control.

      Take care.

  2. I’m so glad you’re feeling better!!

    Being open and honest is a gift (probably because it is so rare). There is a huge difference between wallowing and openness/honesty. I’ve never seen you wallow.

    Your recent experience about your sincere comments being deleted, somehow brought to mind a world map, showing Europe, a bit of Asia and to the east of Europe, a vast ocean labelled: “”there be monsters here.”

    It’s a slippery place because that has become central way in which people find one another. But especially in the first exchange or two, you have no idea what you’re getting and in lots of areas, from D/s to emotions, there is little room for a gradual sense of the other.

    When you put your heart out and some idiot ignores your effort I think it has to hurt at least a bit. Unless you become completely jaded which defeats the purpose. I know it is very difficult for me to remember that I have no clue what is going on in their mind and instead internalize their reaction (in varying degrees, depending on endless variables.)

    Anyway, it was their loss.

    I’m glad you shrugged it off. And I agree, “fuck ‘em.”

    1. Thank you, Watson.

      I will definitely monitor myself foe the line between expressing feelings and wallowing. I think at times I stop trusting what I am feeling and struggle to differentiate what is a real feeling and what is a depression magnified negative spiral. They both feel real.

      As for the comments being deleted, a month or so ago I found that upsetting. At the time I was desperately trying to build up a support system and it was especially painful. Having gone through that enough now I can spot when someone is "kinkist" (kink version of racist?) and know that they will not change, so there's no point in trying. Fuck 'em.

  3. Alcohol affects different people in different ways. For some, it's poison, but for those who aren't alcoholics it serves as a relaxant and comes in very handy in times of stress. I trust you won't overdo, fur, so enjoy yourself and don't feel guilty about giving yourself a little nip now and then. BTW, one oz. of whiskey with soda over a 3 hour period is a VERY little nip:)

    1. Thank you, Lady Grey.

      I have seem it be a poison both for others and myself. I know that this time my "purpose" for it is completely different than it was in my past. I seek to quiet the "noise" buzzing around in my head... which is very different from the "complete brain shutdown" that was the goal of my youth.

      I feel confident enough to manage it. Last night I slept easily without it.

      Take care.