Sunday, July 24, 2016

F/m vs. M/f. There are a lot of differences out there.

This post is in response to some comments exchanged between myself and the author over at

The specific posts in question are located at:

I will begin this post by saying that I have limited experience with M/f long-term relationships.  I have my experiences interacting with people I have met at munches and known, resources I have read over the years, and a handful of blogs, forums, social media, and the like.  Communicating with the author of that blog has let me know that are plenty of M/f relationships that seem to conduct themselves in a manner similar to how I see many F/m relationships where there is a large mental component and fairly strict role differentiation.

Rather than try to stumble through M/f, I will begin with what I see as being the most common types of F/m relationships and work from them as a starting point.

-Monogamous Lifestyle.  This falls under many different names and has many different faces.  Some try to give it a different name but in my eyes they are all more similar than different.  24-7, FLR, etc.  The concept behind these is that there is a monogamous, loving relationship between Domme and sub and there are D/s dynamics that extend beyond the bedroom, easily reaching into many facets of every day life.  While the extent of the dynamics may vary, I will simply use this to describe them:  24-7 does not mean D/s all the time, it means means D/s at any time.

-Poly Lifestyle.  In these cases it seems most common for Dommes to piece together a stable of subs that fill various roles rather than attempting to find one sub that will fill all roles.  This may include a domestic sub that performs household duties, a sub that specializes in sexual duties, a sub that is willing to take intense pain, etc.  While the composition and background may vary, it's not usually a mix of subs that are all the same, mostly ones that fill different roles in her life.  I will lump cuckold relationships into this as well although I do not mean that to be an insult, it just involves an individual beyond the primary submissive.

-Top/Bottom.  I believe in these relationships the dynamics are mostly sexual in nature.  They occasionally may bleed over into daily life but for the most part, the parties take on these roles at certain times and it is definitely not "most of the time."  I believe most relationships involving switches would fall into this type.

-Specialized fetish.  While a lot of these may be a part of different lifestyle, I use this to describe relationships where the primary focus of the relationship is the shared fetish appeal more so than the standard lifestyle dynamics.  e.g. Chastity enthusiests, spankos, etc. may fall into this category.

-Evolving.  I don't consider this a real group but I do think there needs to be some middle ground between Top/Bottom and Lifestyle.  If you think about relationships that are still heavily evolving, they are often on a road leading toward one of the above outcomes.  I would most closely match them with the relationship type that will probably become over time. 

This list of does not adequately describe everything out there that can exist, but I believe that it does cover a lot of them.

When I first read the submissive types post I remember thinking, "holy crap, there's a lot more acceptable types of femsubs than male subs."  I have cycled my thoughts over this a dozen times in the past week or two and tonight I was able to figure out (at least on some level) why things appear so different between F/m and M/f.

I believe part of the answer lies in numbers.  I am pulling these out of my ass, but they seem to be relatively consistent with what I have found over the years.  If we look at a ratio for F:M:f:m, I view the population as being something like 1:20:200:2000.  Feel free to debate these numbers but I think some can be skewed for Maledoms who play with multiple femsubs, neither of whom are looking for a relationship with one another.  The basic result is that there are hardly any Dommes and an absolute shitload of male subs.

I'm not sure if this dictates what people are looking for, but from my experiences the average Maledom profile tends to talk a lot about their play habits while the average Femdom profile wants you to be a chiseled Adonis, a Rhodes scholar, a CEO, and into everything that they like (yes, I'm exaggerating here for the sake of humor).  Dommes can afford to be picky as hell and seem to gravitate toward life partners in monogamous lifestyle, and in others types there seem to be a mix of interesting personal connections or subs that can be used or fill a specific role.

These types seem to be nearly non-existent in F/m: Timid/Parallel, Rope Bunny, Pet, Little, Brat.  It's not that the subs don't exist, but the labels they have are generally things like "do me," "pretender," or "single."  While I do not doubt that there are a small percentage of these types who are in relationships, I would guess that each type makes up less than 1% of the long-term F/m relationships.  Basically, there aren't enough Dommes who want this type of relationship to have them even be a speck on the radar. 

The Dommes that tend to crave high-maintenance situations are often micro-managers and/or sadists.  The others tend to view a lot of this as a chore.  I would guess that looking more at the pro Dominatrix community it would be easier to grasp what percentage of men want those things.  I just hold a strong belief that they likely won't get those things without paying for them. 

I haven't thought enough about the psychological differences between men and women as to why things are this way.  Most Dommes seem to want men who are strong and submissive.  Maledoms seem to be more okay as a whole with subs that are weak and submissive.

While many Dommes are caring of the sub's emotional well-being, very few are willing to hand-hold a sub through life and have to take on a "motherly" role with them.  On the flip-side I read about a good number of Maledoms who willingly take on a nurturing and guiding role for femsubs.

I hope this makes some sense. 


  1. ... thinking of this quote "Most Dommes seem to want men who are strong and submissive. Maledoms seem to be more okay as a whole with subs that are weak and submissive."

    As a younger domme, I looked for men who could brag about physical strength. Men who caught my attention played footbal, lifted nearly twice their body weight, or spent time in a large number of street fights. These men also bragged about being emotionless or emotionally strong and not needing anyone to lean on. I never beleived in this emotional numbness. They all were fairly guarded and hated to admit to any emotions, but they all had emotional needs. Every man needs to feel loved and needed. Their willingness to play with my sadist made them sexy but them crying on my shoulder and leaning on me made me grow attached to them. I wonder how much of this advertising trend goes back to the old stereo types of a strong knight protecting a girl in chilvary.

    As time passes, I begin to see that a man doesnt have to be a ripped street fighter to endure the pain under my hand. I just cant help but wander how much of that mindset drives other dommes to concentrate on a physical appearance of strength. And how much of this allows male sadists to seek a "weak fem sub" to protect.

    1. Thank you, Miss Lily. Some back and forth with the author of the original post got to some discussion of the instinctual base brain characteristics. Her idea was that some of that may be linked to the animalistic instinct to choose the strongest mate available. In current society I believe that ideal is probably as much about success as strength. I also think the desire includes emotional strength in addition to physical. These inherently make knights and alpha subs more appealing than their "lesser" counterparts. It is an interesting idea.

      She also referenced that culturally there is a male desire to feel needed. It feeds the ego. I can't imagine a woman accepting a male sub who isn't mentally tough enough to function in ordinary society. I see a good number of men who seem to be okay with accepting a femsub that requires that level of maintenance and guidance. Interesting stuff.