Thoughts on Sub-Frenzy

A week or two ago I was having a discussion in a chat group and I don't even recall the topic.  I just remember having the "group think" turning noticeably one-sided (and ignoring say, 60%+ of what exists out there) on a topic that was meant to be a general discussion for D/s of all walks.

In an attempt to steer things to maintain open-mindedness and awareness that dynamics exist out there that aren't long-distance internet-based M/f or DDlg, I remember injecting sub-frenzy as a counter example into the discussion.  No one had heard of it.  When I began to explain it I was immediately insulted and told that anyone who experiences frenzy is pathetic and a total loser.  I left the group shortly after that even though I had been a part of it for well over a year.

As I was thinking about topics to write today I began to think about the huge number of blogs I have read, both recently and in the past, about subs that struggle when the dynamics in their lives begin to wane.  This is frequently followed by a series of posts describing an escalating state of desperation, disappointment, and frustration or depression.

For those who aren't familiar with sub-frenzy as a term, I will do my best to describe it.  Sub-frenzy is a state that a submissive reaches when they have been unable to to have their submissive needs met for a prolonged period of time.  Submissive mental space releases a set of brain chemicals that subs often become dependent upon to feel good.  Post-play endorphin and adrenaline highs for masochists also serve a similar role. As with any form of dependence, this can grow addictive, and in its absence, addict-like behaviors are a natural result.  Subs that are mired in sexual frustration without release are more susceptible to experience this quite strongly.

For a sub, this often starts by "feeling off."  I'm sure at some point you have just felt... not bad, but not good.  Your head feels awkward.  Thoughts seem cloudy.  You struggle with articulating what is wrong.  "I just feel off today."  Have you ever felt this way?  If so, this is the first sign of withdrawl.

If the sub's needs continue to go unmet (and this may only take a couple of days), the ache starts.  There's that nagging feeling.  A desire to feel submissive.  A desire to feel release.  You no longer feel uncertain, now you feel certain as the dull ache begins to erode away at you.  You can try and steer your thoughts away but the mind inevitably returns: you want your fix.  The problem is, whatever was going on in life that let you reach this point may or may not have cleared up.  Your dominant is stressed, distant, or unavailable.  You know it's unavoidable and you don't want to make them feel bad or guilty about it, so you start dropping hints or making a greater effort to cater to their dominance.  Attempting to display a lot of affection or seduction is common as well as trying to make them feel loved and valued.  The idea of voicing your needs directly makes you feel needy in a bad way.  If they don't respond to your advances the ache becomes a sting and may carry feelings of being rejected.

As things continue, the ache becomes a throb.  You need this.  It hurts.  This is the full force of the addiction.  As your attempts to coerce dominance failed, you don't wish to try again.  The idea of sharing your needs directly becomes even more daunting.  You feel neurotic and high strung.  You may deal with this in one or more of a variety of ways.  You might withdraw, hoping they will notice that something isn't right.  You might act out, hoping they will notice that something isn't right.  You might start scouring the internet for porn, erotica, or social media interactions that will help you live vicariously and obtain your fix that way.  God, it feels needy.  By now, your judgment and decision-making skills may have slipped quite a bit.  Your usual outward thoughts are now focused inward and selfish.  Why can't they see that I am hurting?  Why can't they see that I need this?  You become an ugly version of yourself and if/when you recognize it, your emotions completely crash and you feel awful about yourself.  This is when the sub depression starts.

The amount of time it takes to reach its early to advanced stages varies greatly from person to person.  For some it may take months but others may progress through it in a matter of days.

Hopefully, you have never had to experience this.  If you have, hopefully it was only early on before you and your partner learned how to communicate early rather than late and how to be straight forward about your needs to ensure they are met.  If you have and still currently experience this, I feel for you.  People in long-distance relationships probably know this process VERY well.

Sub frenzy is even harder on single subs.  If you have been single for an extended period of time, you probably have felt this to some degree.  If you are one of those lucky few that have always had a partner but have been active in a local community or even made kink-oriented friendships through some form of social media there is a good chance you have known a single sub that seems like they are a bit of a mess.  Their moods fluctuate up and down.  Any fix they get makes them walk on clouds but denied it for a time and they flounder badly.  In its absence they become obsessed with finding it.  With prolonged absence and they may appear dangerously depressed.  It can be hard to watch.

In its advanced stages their moods may start to swing wildly between excited motivation and total despair.  Their decision-making may start to grow dangerous.  e.g. "I've got a play-date with some random stranger I met on the internet that won't give me their phone number.  It's okay though, I'm just supposed to meet them alone at the park at 9pm.  They told me to look for the windowless van.  I'm so excited!"

You will also see subs who normally just fantasize about submission getting enough courage to try to make it happen.  This happens a lot with submissive men but it can happen to both genders.  Newbies will often begin to harass dominants and attempt to project and force their personal fetishes upon them.  People with experience may begin to lie out their ass and try to present themselves as the absolutely perfect sub.  You will see subs who finally get some attention and this is enough to "get their fix" so when it actually becomes time to put up or shut up they chicken out and ghost on the dominant.  Others may resort to paying for the service.

It's part of the addiction.  It can be ugly.  It happens more than people would like to admit.  Because it's out there, I think it's better for it to be talked about and for people to be aware of it.  I understand that most people don't want to admit that they go through sub frenzy, but I think it makes life a lot easier if all parties are aware of it.

I can say first-hand that this is something I have experienced many times over.  I'm not the only one.  It sucks.  I think many of us have that in common.