What would they think?

I have to say that I am having some very excellent conversations with others via comments both on my blog and on theirs.  This is the part that I love so much about blogging and the blog community. I have recently had a couple of recurring themes popping up that relate to some of my more recent posts.  A lot of it focuses around shame and self-acceptance.

It took me years before I spilled my guts on my sexuality during adolescence.  In case it got lost on anyone, I will spell it out right here (and yes, I am blushing).

I have never had an orgasm outside of a Femdom context.  My earliest masturbation habits always involved being dominated by a woman (I was probably 11-12).  I cannot get an erection to "standard" things like porn and naked women.

For the entirety of my life I have been haunted by one big question:  What would they think? 

What would women think if they knew about me?  What would they think if they knew what got me off?  If they knew the extent of my perversions?

I know that nearly everyone who is involved in kink has probably had thoughts or doubts that are similar to these.  However, most people that I know who are involved in kink have a couple of key characteristics for them to fall back on:

1. The majority of them can still achieve climax and arousal by "standard" means, e.g. vanilla sex.
2. The majority of them did not have to worry about these fears until after they reached adulthood.  18+, 21+, whatever.  Most people don't get into kink until it is legal to be into kink and people with sexual experience are more likely to experiment.

Basically, they can still pass themselves as "normal," even if they find a vanilla life unfulfilling.  They can fake it.  Also, for many, they weren't plagued with all sorts of confusion about their sexuality.  They wanted to fondle breasts.  They wanted to fuck.  They wanted to get/give oral.

Society told me I wanted those things.  The "guys" talked like everyone needed to want those things.  I wanted to be tied up and kept as her pet.  I hid this.  I tried to bury it.  I always lost.  It always won.  I would jerk off and hate myself for it.  I would jerk off and want to cry at how fucked up I was.  While I wanted to be loved, I was terrified at revealing my true self.  I was terrified that I would be rejected.  I was terrified that they would tell everyone else and no one would want me.  I was absolutely convinced that it would lead to abandonment.  Not a great fear for someone who was put up for adoption.

As much as I wanted love, the thought of being unable to perform scared the living hell out of me.  It bothered me that I didn't get an erection the first time I held hands with and embraced a girl.  It bothered me that I didn't get an erection the first time I kissed a girl.  It bothered me that I needed to picture her straddling me while I was bound and helpless to get aroused.  It bothered me that if a girl in a fur-trimmed coat gave me a hug and it brushed my cheek that I immediately got an erection and pictured her straddling me while I was bound and helpless.

What would they think of me if they knew the true me?  This thought was always present in the back of my mind from age 13 to 24, and still lingers in some deep part of my soul.

I have a pretty good read of people.  I have known people from all walks, all backgrounds, that were of varying race, religion, and sexuality.  My educational background in college had me studying many different fields with a sound understanding of demographics.  Getting to know people on a personal level (while hiding my secret) allowed me to understand a lot of how people tick.

While everyone is unique, people also have a lot of similarities.  When you look at populations you start to see trends with historical evidence to back them up.  People fear and shun what is different.  People are made uncomfortable by concepts that are unfamiliar to them.  When confronted with something that makes them uncomfortable, they will fall back on ingrained personal principles to cope with it.  Not all of these principles are kind, accepting, or tolerant.

What would they think of me if they knew the real me?  Well, if we took a random assortment of 10 vanilla women +/- 5 years of me, I'm pretty certain that at least 2-3 of them would be offended my existence.  I would be a blight of society and a symbol of the failings of religion and public education.  I would be the person that wasn't missed if the gestapo came and dragged me away.

There would probably be 1-2 that were intrigued.  These are the types that enjoy being the beard to a gay male.  Because I am straight, they would likely poke and prod a bit, possibly being a little bit playful, but altogether, having a secret pervert for a friend does not provide the same novelty. In most cases they would keep their distance, never being overtly rude, but placing a glass ceiling on how close we would get as friends.  They might even go out of their way to make sure they did not cater to my fetish set in any way.  The idea that I would be attracted to them would make them uncomfortable in a bad way.  As much as they might enjoy my uniqueness, I mostly provide value as an "I know this guy that's into ______," story to impress others.

That leaves 5-7 others.  The middle ground is always the hardest because these people will struggle as their idealized ethics and morality will conflict with their actual thoughts.  They might want to know why.  They might be curious about basics.  They want to be open-minded, so overt rudeness is unlikely.  "To each their own."  "Whatever makes you happy."  "Whatever floats your boat."  The niceties are code words for, "you make me uncomfortable, but I am determined to remain polite."
 If they brave to know more beyond their comfort zone, that is where the reactions can't be hidden so easily.  Gasps.  Gum smacking.  Smirks.  Frowning head shakes.  These mannerisms tell the story, they are judging me.  The interactions will devolve from here.  The barriers will go up as they process.  Most likely they will have no interest in interacting ever again but they will have an "oh my God, I met this freak" story to tell their closest friends over drinks.

The process will vary a lot within these.  The battle going on will be of varying degrees.  There will be some sympathy, but how much is shown will depend upon how foreign I am to them.  If one of them had a gay uncle they were close with that was ostracized by the family when he came out and eventually committed suicide, they will likely express this sympathy.   If 95% of the people they have interacted with at length were the same race, religion, and economic background, there is a greater chance they will lean to hidden disgust.

For someone to accept me, a sample size of 10 is probably too small.  60 might find someone who would actually feel comfortable engaging me on a personal and friendly level.

I'm certain that someone has rolled their eyes by now and are thinking "dude, you're so full of shit, you can't cram people into a box like that and treat generalizations like they are fact."  I won't argue with that, but I would counter that I'm not trying to say all of this is true, it is merely how my brain perceives it being true to me.  Yes, I am a 10th degree black belt at twisting semantics to justify flawed logic in a manner that fits the broken way that my heart perceives my place in this world.

Something I haven't really written about in detail is that I have outed myself as a submissive to at least 20 vanilla friends.  21 actually if I count them all.  17 were women, 4 were men.  I have 3 friends left:  2 men, 1 woman.  With the majority of them I only grazed the surface.  Some principles about D/s and the like.  I have watched people shift their perception of me on a dime.  I have watched them fade away because they had no interest in being a part of my life after that.  While I may have made up some numbers for this example, the truth of it is that they are based upon my experiences. 

I am a subscriber to Cooley's theory of the looking-glass self.  My perceptions were formed by where I fit and how others have acted/reacted to me.  This is the source of my inherent shame.

What would they think of me?  I painfully know the answer to that.

When I get teased, I feel the truth shining through.  I feel shame because I am shameful.  I feel like if I try to believe a different perspective that I will simply be lying to myself.  Instead, I accept it as truth.  When I feel someone being that honest with me, I feel warm inside.  It means they see the real me, the true me, and they do not reject me.

My means of coping with this is that really, I only need one person on the planet to accept all of me.  I value her honesty and do not mind if she uses it to control me.  She becomes the only one that I need.  She is my savior.  She is the one I have been searching for.  I will love her with my all.  She is the beautiful and amazing Goddess that sees a shameful wretch like me and understands what I can become.  This is the blissful existence I long for. 

Is that wrong?