I've been having a lot of people message me lately through the messenger on my blog. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that has chatted with me.
If anyone has any requests please feel free to let me know.
I thrive strongly on feedback, comments, and emails, so if you really like something and want me to post more things like it (whether it be written or drawn) please let me know.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
Coming to Terms with Kink (aka finding difficult answers to easy questions)
Well... here goes my first "real "entry in months. My apologies if this is a repeated topic (I know that I have written similar posts before) but I feel fairly removed from those... almost as if they were written by another me, which I guess says that I feel I have changed since I was last writing. Sorry if this is a bit jumbled, I jotted down some notes earlier and am trying to piece together this post from my thoughts earlier in the day.
The process of "this is what I am now" from "this is what I wanted then" is definitely an interesting one. I'm not sure I'm okay with who I am now as a submissive and sexually but at the same time, I'm not sure I mind that.
I know that for many in the lifestyle, one of the early obstacles is learning how to come to terms with and cope with the kink inside of you. Some of these aspects are rather easy, others are more difficult, especially depending upon which role you are in.
Some aspects of being a submissive are simple when it comes to interacting with women. Like bondage? No problem, most women I know think it's kinky and hot. Body worship? I don't know a woman that wouldn't/doesn't love it. Pegging? Just call it "reverse doggy style" and it sounds a lot less threatening. That last one may be a stretch though. The key to knowing how far you stray from "normalcy" is how much you NEED a particular activity. If being tied up gets you off but you get off nearly as hard without being tied up, you're in good shape. As long as you don't continuously ejaculate to a specific activity or fantasy you can probably avoid developing a deeply-rooted fetish that integrates that as a primary part of your sexuality.
If you're past that point, you're like me. This inherently puts you at the bottom of the food chain.
Dommes have it relatively easy when it comes to kink. Sexual exploration is usually encouraged (by both friends and lovers) and the sexually aggressive woman is generally very alluring and attractive. If she has something that "does it" for her, chances are there's about 500 guys out there an email away that want her to do it to them. As long as she can accept the kink about herself, there will be a vocal majority of kinksters encouraging that to the point where it seems very normal. If she ever reaches a point where she can only get off if the sub is tied up, there's no shortage of subs who are willing to be tied up every time.
Worst case scenario if she finds herself with a man who is unwilling to get kinky she can simply tell him that he sucked in bed, she faked every orgasm, and unless they spice it up a notch she won't be able to get off. 99% of guys will take that as a challenge to their male ego and give in to the kink.
Are we supposed to come to accept the kink within us?
The easy answer is yes and it probably seems stupid to even ask this. It's emotionally healthy to accept ourselves as we are. This goes for both Dommes and subs.
Why bother asking then? I am yee who is drawn to the flame... the dumbest of all creatures and lowest on the food chain... the submissive captured by the mind fuck.
Should self-acceptance always flow both ways in the realm of D/s?
In my opinion, being dominant is a natural and rational thing to be. Getting to do exactly what you want and getting someone else to do exactly what you want them to do seems like you struck it rich and your bottle of KY unleashed the magic sex genie willing to grant your any wish. That to me makes perfect sense.
Now for Dommes wishing to have a submissive lover that is an emotionally healthy equal, it is probably a good thing to nurture their self-acceptance of their kinks and get them to an emotionally balanced position. When they feel their kink is normal they will find peace.
But what about relationships that want a strict divide between Domme and sub? Are these so bad even if they're consensual? I'm sure there are those out there that would say that they are bad no matter what, but what about cases where both parties benefit?
A Domme can gain greater loyalty from her sub if he feels a bit insecure about his kinks.
-He's lucky to have her because other women will think he's fucked up.
-She's the only one that accepts him as he is.
-If anyone else knew about him they'd be disgusted.
These kinds of mental loops can serve as traps for a sub but they generally make him try harder if they start feeling true.
What if this insecurity serves as one of the sub's kinks? A sub that gets aroused from humiliation needs something to feel ashamed about. Keeping him off balance with teasing and cruelty can create its own subspace loop that feeds itself to her end. This can be nurtured: she tells him that she loves that he's ashamed of himself and loves him when he is that way. Or turned against him: she acts disgusted by his kinks but constantly reminds him that she tolerates him because he obeys.
It's a rather wicked balance. I seem to be caught somewhere in limbo. I am comfortable with being a submissive. I feel ashamed about being a sissy. This shame turns me on and makes me more submissive. Am I better off finding peace or better off being mind-fucked about it forever? If I had to choose I would probably have to go with the mind-fuck, but then again, I can fully admit that I am easy prey... at the bottom of the food chain (and I like it that way).
I guess in my own mind things make perfect sense like this:
She is, of course, perfectly normal. She likes to tie up subs and spank them, but that's normal. She gets off watching subs whimpering and writhing in pain but that's normal. She likes to dress subs up like girls because it amuses her, but that's normal. She likes to keep his penis caged in a chastity belt, but that's normal.
He likes being the one tied up and spanked? He's fucked up. He likes writhing in pain? He's fucked up. He wants her to control his orgasms? He's fucked up. He gets a hard on when she makes him dress up in slutty clothes and frilly furs? He's fucked up.
I don't know if I should come to terms with things but it really gives me a hard on feelings fucked up about myself.
The process of "this is what I am now" from "this is what I wanted then" is definitely an interesting one. I'm not sure I'm okay with who I am now as a submissive and sexually but at the same time, I'm not sure I mind that.
I know that for many in the lifestyle, one of the early obstacles is learning how to come to terms with and cope with the kink inside of you. Some of these aspects are rather easy, others are more difficult, especially depending upon which role you are in.
Some aspects of being a submissive are simple when it comes to interacting with women. Like bondage? No problem, most women I know think it's kinky and hot. Body worship? I don't know a woman that wouldn't/doesn't love it. Pegging? Just call it "reverse doggy style" and it sounds a lot less threatening. That last one may be a stretch though. The key to knowing how far you stray from "normalcy" is how much you NEED a particular activity. If being tied up gets you off but you get off nearly as hard without being tied up, you're in good shape. As long as you don't continuously ejaculate to a specific activity or fantasy you can probably avoid developing a deeply-rooted fetish that integrates that as a primary part of your sexuality.
If you're past that point, you're like me. This inherently puts you at the bottom of the food chain.
Dommes have it relatively easy when it comes to kink. Sexual exploration is usually encouraged (by both friends and lovers) and the sexually aggressive woman is generally very alluring and attractive. If she has something that "does it" for her, chances are there's about 500 guys out there an email away that want her to do it to them. As long as she can accept the kink about herself, there will be a vocal majority of kinksters encouraging that to the point where it seems very normal. If she ever reaches a point where she can only get off if the sub is tied up, there's no shortage of subs who are willing to be tied up every time.
Worst case scenario if she finds herself with a man who is unwilling to get kinky she can simply tell him that he sucked in bed, she faked every orgasm, and unless they spice it up a notch she won't be able to get off. 99% of guys will take that as a challenge to their male ego and give in to the kink.
Are we supposed to come to accept the kink within us?
The easy answer is yes and it probably seems stupid to even ask this. It's emotionally healthy to accept ourselves as we are. This goes for both Dommes and subs.
Why bother asking then? I am yee who is drawn to the flame... the dumbest of all creatures and lowest on the food chain... the submissive captured by the mind fuck.
Should self-acceptance always flow both ways in the realm of D/s?
In my opinion, being dominant is a natural and rational thing to be. Getting to do exactly what you want and getting someone else to do exactly what you want them to do seems like you struck it rich and your bottle of KY unleashed the magic sex genie willing to grant your any wish. That to me makes perfect sense.
Now for Dommes wishing to have a submissive lover that is an emotionally healthy equal, it is probably a good thing to nurture their self-acceptance of their kinks and get them to an emotionally balanced position. When they feel their kink is normal they will find peace.
But what about relationships that want a strict divide between Domme and sub? Are these so bad even if they're consensual? I'm sure there are those out there that would say that they are bad no matter what, but what about cases where both parties benefit?
A Domme can gain greater loyalty from her sub if he feels a bit insecure about his kinks.
-He's lucky to have her because other women will think he's fucked up.
-She's the only one that accepts him as he is.
-If anyone else knew about him they'd be disgusted.
These kinds of mental loops can serve as traps for a sub but they generally make him try harder if they start feeling true.
What if this insecurity serves as one of the sub's kinks? A sub that gets aroused from humiliation needs something to feel ashamed about. Keeping him off balance with teasing and cruelty can create its own subspace loop that feeds itself to her end. This can be nurtured: she tells him that she loves that he's ashamed of himself and loves him when he is that way. Or turned against him: she acts disgusted by his kinks but constantly reminds him that she tolerates him because he obeys.
It's a rather wicked balance. I seem to be caught somewhere in limbo. I am comfortable with being a submissive. I feel ashamed about being a sissy. This shame turns me on and makes me more submissive. Am I better off finding peace or better off being mind-fucked about it forever? If I had to choose I would probably have to go with the mind-fuck, but then again, I can fully admit that I am easy prey... at the bottom of the food chain (and I like it that way).
I guess in my own mind things make perfect sense like this:
She is, of course, perfectly normal. She likes to tie up subs and spank them, but that's normal. She gets off watching subs whimpering and writhing in pain but that's normal. She likes to dress subs up like girls because it amuses her, but that's normal. She likes to keep his penis caged in a chastity belt, but that's normal.
He likes being the one tied up and spanked? He's fucked up. He likes writhing in pain? He's fucked up. He wants her to control his orgasms? He's fucked up. He gets a hard on when she makes him dress up in slutty clothes and frilly furs? He's fucked up.
I don't know if I should come to terms with things but it really gives me a hard on feelings fucked up about myself.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Another Request
I received another request tonight via messenger for some more gender role reversal type drawings. One idea was to have some sissy cheerleaders cheering for female athletes. I pretty much went with that but did a lone sissy cheerleader being mocked and humiliated.
On a side note, I have a bit of a thing for women that are taller than me so I figured basketball would be a pretty good theme. I used a game photo of Lauren Jackson as a model for the basketball player, who is quite attractive and also 6'5" tall.
Here is the finished drawing.
On a side note, I have a bit of a thing for women that are taller than me so I figured basketball would be a pretty good theme. I used a game photo of Lauren Jackson as a model for the basketball player, who is quite attractive and also 6'5" tall.
Here is the finished drawing.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Drawing practice
I found this outfit while browsing this year's fall/winter collections. I think it's quite sexy (for a woman, not a sissy).
I did a fair bit of experimenting here, trying to make the knitted sweater top look more like a sweater. I'm fairly happy with how the gloves turned out, but man... the detail on the gloves took almost as much time as the rest of the drawing.
My entire goal of all time with drawing was to be able to draw an attractive woman. I think I am getting closer to reaching that goal, but I still have a ways to go.
I did a couple of variations with different color collars.
Friday, August 5, 2011
A requested picture
I had someone request another drawing the other day. They gave a bit of a description of it and I did my best within those parameters.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Another practice portrait
This one didn't quite turn out like I wanted it to... but I also sort of just kind of pushed to finish it without going in and adding the shading on the coat. I suppose I may revisit it at some point and finish it up.
Fall/Winter 2011
The 2011 fall/winter collections are starting to roll out on department store websites.
The good news for fur lovers, there's lots of it. The bad news is, it's a really mixed bag in terms of styles. It seems there's a split between shaggy and sleek, and much of the shaggy might be warm, but isn't all that flattering to the figure.
Another plus is that designers seem to be getting away from skinny leg pants. I've always found those to be sort of gross, the way they tend to give women chicken legs and I'm sure there's many out there that have pushed themselves towards eating disorders to pull it off. I though the pinned pant look in the 80's was sort of off and I feel the same way about skinny leg pants.
Here's a few things that have caught my eye so far this year.
The good news for fur lovers, there's lots of it. The bad news is, it's a really mixed bag in terms of styles. It seems there's a split between shaggy and sleek, and much of the shaggy might be warm, but isn't all that flattering to the figure.
Another plus is that designers seem to be getting away from skinny leg pants. I've always found those to be sort of gross, the way they tend to give women chicken legs and I'm sure there's many out there that have pushed themselves towards eating disorders to pull it off. I though the pinned pant look in the 80's was sort of off and I feel the same way about skinny leg pants.
Here's a few things that have caught my eye so far this year.
Latest drawing
I had originally intended this to go somewhere but I decided just to stop where I was at...
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Someone who reads my blog for the pictures might think that I'm actually really into...
pegging.
I kind of cheaped out on the shading on this one out of laziness.
I kind of cheaped out on the shading on this one out of laziness.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Drawing
Well, I did this drawing in sections over the course of about two months, drawing one character in each sitting. I'm not all that happy with how it turned out (it's a bit inconsistent and things didn't quite "fit" how I wanted them to) but I figured I'd share it anyways. I had planned to add some captions but decided against it.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Hehe...
I wasn't planning on making two posts tonight but I happened to stumble across these the other day and they're fucking awful. I'm sure there's more humiliating sissy footwear out there but these would probably be near the top of the list. That color just makes your eyes want to bleed.
Touching base
I am alive... but haven't been much in the mood for writing, drawing, or thinking along BDSM lines.
Things have been good over the past couple of weeks with Mistress and I, although D/s is still absent from things, I can't complain. I have been heavily into my hobbies lately and she has kept herself busy as well.
I have made several attempts to draw over the past few months, but I haven't really finished any of them until one I worked on a few days ago.
The drawing I did finish is somewhat inspired by SPH (small penis humiliation). It's not something that I'm usually "into" nor am I tiny or anything but like most men who aren't hung like elephants, penis size has led to insecurities at certain times over my life. I've found this to be an easy form of control that a woman can have over a man. Even if he can pleasure her completely during sex the idea that she wished he was bigger can make the man wish he was bigger, and in turn increase his appreciation for her because she accepts him even with his inadequacies. It doesn't take much to bring that doubt on (unless he's hung like an elephant) and it will probably haunt him at least occasionally for the rest of his erectile life.
Sure, it's kind of a cheap shot but it seems it's kind of fitting for a man to be insecure about his penis when women are bred to be insecure about just about everything.
This picture isn't so much about saying a man is small, but more about instilling some doubt that can be used against him.
Things have been good over the past couple of weeks with Mistress and I, although D/s is still absent from things, I can't complain. I have been heavily into my hobbies lately and she has kept herself busy as well.
I have made several attempts to draw over the past few months, but I haven't really finished any of them until one I worked on a few days ago.
The drawing I did finish is somewhat inspired by SPH (small penis humiliation). It's not something that I'm usually "into" nor am I tiny or anything but like most men who aren't hung like elephants, penis size has led to insecurities at certain times over my life. I've found this to be an easy form of control that a woman can have over a man. Even if he can pleasure her completely during sex the idea that she wished he was bigger can make the man wish he was bigger, and in turn increase his appreciation for her because she accepts him even with his inadequacies. It doesn't take much to bring that doubt on (unless he's hung like an elephant) and it will probably haunt him at least occasionally for the rest of his erectile life.
Sure, it's kind of a cheap shot but it seems it's kind of fitting for a man to be insecure about his penis when women are bred to be insecure about just about everything.
This picture isn't so much about saying a man is small, but more about instilling some doubt that can be used against him.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Fetish, Happiness, and Subspace
Lady Grey left some good comments on my last post. I had started working through some additional thoughts in a full post but about halfway through I found myself just sort of spinning in circles and unsure of where I was going, so here's take two.
My other post was me trying to figure out if it's an actual activity that "does it" for me or if it's more about the situation than the actual events.
I kind of look at my submissive self in three different ways:
1. Things that drive me sexually.
2. Things that I need to be happy.
3. Things that increase my subspace.
My sexual drives are what I consider to be my fetishes. They pretty much turn me on all the time and aren't things that are directly related to a woman's anatomy or figure (e.g. I don't consider enjoying breasts a fetish). My list of these things includes:
-A woman's aggressive and dominant personality.
-Being a submissive (which I think is slightly different than just being submissive).
-Women wearing fur or fur-trimmed clothing.
-Women wearing certain styles of boots.
-Women wearing certain styles of gloves.
-The touch of fur.
-Bondage: both restraining and ornamental (e.g. collars).
-"Safe" humiliation and emasculation (safe = controlled environment with no risk).
-Tease and Denial.
Those things really make me tick sexually but at the same time. What I choose to fantasize about in my free time usually involves many of these but often goes well beyond what I might actually want to do.
Things that I need to be happy:
-Love
-Trust/security (I know that if I do my part she won't abandon me)
-Subspace (it gives me inner peace)
Things that increase my subspace (sorry if any of these seem redundant):
-Inequality of power.
-The removal of "true" choice and freedom.
-Expectations of perfection and strict consequences.
-Humiliation/Emasculation.
-Feeling inferior.
-Having actions or activities forced upon me.
-Justifications for cruelty (e.g. this is for your own good, you can't control your penis, etc.).
-Mind fucks.
These seem really easy to understand when I look at activities that I consciously enjoy and know turn me on. e.g. Being chained down to a bed by a Venus in Furs who teases my nipples.
However, it becomes more complicated when I look at activities that I don't don't enjoy (or even flat out dislike) but they give me some beneficial feelings in other ways. They tend to feed each other in a circular manner. In my last post I referenced pegging, forced feminization, and chastity. When I think of pegging in general, it doesn't do anything to me. The same goes for forced fem and chastity. If I incorporate a situation involving a dominant woman and circumstances surrounding each of those activities, it "does it" for me. I have experienced each of these things and found they held some positives and some negatives but pegging doesn't release that basic trigger in me like a Venus in Furs might.
I tried to look for the commonalities across all things, both the ones that I enjoy and the ones that I didn't and really only found one thing: A woman with the capacity and desire for cruelty.
It's not that I would want to be pegged again but I desire a woman that would peg me if she felt like it. It's not that I crave forced fem but I desire a woman that would make me dress up or face severe consequences. It's not that I crave chastity but I desire a woman that might force it upon me as a punishment or just because she felt like it. I don't like being spanked but I desire a woman that would spank me whenever she felt like it.
I don't know if this is the act or the idea of the act. Knowing that I don't crave the act but crave the potential that the act might happen regardless of what I want makes me a bit confused.
I'm starting to get a bit frustrated since I haven't come to an answer on this but when I envision a woman that does whatever she wants regardless of whether I like it or hate it I get turned on. Now I am realistic, love, trust, and subspace would have to be involved for me to feel happy and satisfied. I also doubt I could be happy with a Domme that was also an active member of PETA (I would rather her dress in fur and keep me in chastity than not wear it at all).
So... a fur-appreciating Mistress that loves me and enjoys doing things that put me into deep subspace is probably the greatest satisfaction I could hope for and I crave that more than I would any one activity.
But alas... this still doesn't really find the answers I was looking for. I will mull it over for the next few days.
My other post was me trying to figure out if it's an actual activity that "does it" for me or if it's more about the situation than the actual events.
I kind of look at my submissive self in three different ways:
1. Things that drive me sexually.
2. Things that I need to be happy.
3. Things that increase my subspace.
My sexual drives are what I consider to be my fetishes. They pretty much turn me on all the time and aren't things that are directly related to a woman's anatomy or figure (e.g. I don't consider enjoying breasts a fetish). My list of these things includes:
-A woman's aggressive and dominant personality.
-Being a submissive (which I think is slightly different than just being submissive).
-Women wearing fur or fur-trimmed clothing.
-Women wearing certain styles of boots.
-Women wearing certain styles of gloves.
-The touch of fur.
-Bondage: both restraining and ornamental (e.g. collars).
-"Safe" humiliation and emasculation (safe = controlled environment with no risk).
-Tease and Denial.
Those things really make me tick sexually but at the same time. What I choose to fantasize about in my free time usually involves many of these but often goes well beyond what I might actually want to do.
Things that I need to be happy:
-Love
-Trust/security (I know that if I do my part she won't abandon me)
-Subspace (it gives me inner peace)
Things that increase my subspace (sorry if any of these seem redundant):
-Inequality of power.
-The removal of "true" choice and freedom.
-Expectations of perfection and strict consequences.
-Humiliation/Emasculation.
-Feeling inferior.
-Having actions or activities forced upon me.
-Justifications for cruelty (e.g. this is for your own good, you can't control your penis, etc.).
-Mind fucks.
These seem really easy to understand when I look at activities that I consciously enjoy and know turn me on. e.g. Being chained down to a bed by a Venus in Furs who teases my nipples.
However, it becomes more complicated when I look at activities that I don't don't enjoy (or even flat out dislike) but they give me some beneficial feelings in other ways. They tend to feed each other in a circular manner. In my last post I referenced pegging, forced feminization, and chastity. When I think of pegging in general, it doesn't do anything to me. The same goes for forced fem and chastity. If I incorporate a situation involving a dominant woman and circumstances surrounding each of those activities, it "does it" for me. I have experienced each of these things and found they held some positives and some negatives but pegging doesn't release that basic trigger in me like a Venus in Furs might.
I tried to look for the commonalities across all things, both the ones that I enjoy and the ones that I didn't and really only found one thing: A woman with the capacity and desire for cruelty.
It's not that I would want to be pegged again but I desire a woman that would peg me if she felt like it. It's not that I crave forced fem but I desire a woman that would make me dress up or face severe consequences. It's not that I crave chastity but I desire a woman that might force it upon me as a punishment or just because she felt like it. I don't like being spanked but I desire a woman that would spank me whenever she felt like it.
I don't know if this is the act or the idea of the act. Knowing that I don't crave the act but crave the potential that the act might happen regardless of what I want makes me a bit confused.
I'm starting to get a bit frustrated since I haven't come to an answer on this but when I envision a woman that does whatever she wants regardless of whether I like it or hate it I get turned on. Now I am realistic, love, trust, and subspace would have to be involved for me to feel happy and satisfied. I also doubt I could be happy with a Domme that was also an active member of PETA (I would rather her dress in fur and keep me in chastity than not wear it at all).
So... a fur-appreciating Mistress that loves me and enjoys doing things that put me into deep subspace is probably the greatest satisfaction I could hope for and I crave that more than I would any one activity.
But alas... this still doesn't really find the answers I was looking for. I will mull it over for the next few days.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
The "abused slave" Fantasy
I finally got around to commenting on Lady Grey's post of The Appeal of Disinterest (that also featured one of my drawings as an example) and I had a few thoughts come together that I was able to connect to many aspects of my kink.
I know I've probably written something almost identical to this in the past but if I did, it's not something fresh in my memory so please forgive me if this seems redundant.
I've spent a lot of time over the years trying to figure out why certain fantasies "do it" for me sexually when I damn well know that I wouldn't want a lifestyle like that. I'd also wondered why I rarely connect with others that seem to share the same fetishes that I do. I titled this post as the "abused slave" fantasy since that was the first thing that came to mind but I will cover a few others in this regards.
Picture this fantasy that can be found in thousands of Femdom fetish fiction stories around the internet:
A man is kidnapped and kept against his will by a beautiful, cruel, rich Mistress that takes him as her live in slave and forces him to do whatever she wants while she beats him unmercifully and he's never allowed an ounce of joy or freedom.
If a random assortment of 100 male subs read this story and got turned on, there is likely a major difference between why they got turned on. There are extreme slaves out there but they are usually quite rare, so I would assume that out of those 100, 4 of them were subs that were truly cut out for the lifestyle depicted in the fantasy. The remaining 96 probably wouldn't be, so why are all 100 of them masturbating to the same story?
I think the root of this divide is the act vs. the environment. For everyone that gets turned on by a scenario, a handful have a fetish for the activity and the majority have a fetish for the situation surrounding the activity. I think that many subs may feel like they have a larger kink-interest base than they really do because of this. I think this is one of the reasons that many subs end up appearing "fake" when confronted with a real situation: they want the woman capable of doing such things but not the things that she actually does.
In many ways I think I have been uncertain as to why particular activities have turned me on. I know with a post during my last pegging picture I had wondered why I drew it (and why it turned me on drawing it). I hate the activity of being pegged. I enjoy the humiliation and submission it brings on and the idea of a woman willing to strip me of my dignity. Forced feminization has a similar role within me. The act of crossdressing does nothing for me, the humiliation of a woman making me dress that way is a huge turn on. Chastity is something I hate but the idea of a woman forcing it upon me is a turn on.
I guess when I really break it down I don't have that many "true" fetishes. I know I was able to realize these characteristics about individual activities but I don't think I ever connected it as a whole.
I know I've probably written something almost identical to this in the past but if I did, it's not something fresh in my memory so please forgive me if this seems redundant.
I've spent a lot of time over the years trying to figure out why certain fantasies "do it" for me sexually when I damn well know that I wouldn't want a lifestyle like that. I'd also wondered why I rarely connect with others that seem to share the same fetishes that I do. I titled this post as the "abused slave" fantasy since that was the first thing that came to mind but I will cover a few others in this regards.
Picture this fantasy that can be found in thousands of Femdom fetish fiction stories around the internet:
A man is kidnapped and kept against his will by a beautiful, cruel, rich Mistress that takes him as her live in slave and forces him to do whatever she wants while she beats him unmercifully and he's never allowed an ounce of joy or freedom.
If a random assortment of 100 male subs read this story and got turned on, there is likely a major difference between why they got turned on. There are extreme slaves out there but they are usually quite rare, so I would assume that out of those 100, 4 of them were subs that were truly cut out for the lifestyle depicted in the fantasy. The remaining 96 probably wouldn't be, so why are all 100 of them masturbating to the same story?
I think the root of this divide is the act vs. the environment. For everyone that gets turned on by a scenario, a handful have a fetish for the activity and the majority have a fetish for the situation surrounding the activity. I think that many subs may feel like they have a larger kink-interest base than they really do because of this. I think this is one of the reasons that many subs end up appearing "fake" when confronted with a real situation: they want the woman capable of doing such things but not the things that she actually does.
In many ways I think I have been uncertain as to why particular activities have turned me on. I know with a post during my last pegging picture I had wondered why I drew it (and why it turned me on drawing it). I hate the activity of being pegged. I enjoy the humiliation and submission it brings on and the idea of a woman willing to strip me of my dignity. Forced feminization has a similar role within me. The act of crossdressing does nothing for me, the humiliation of a woman making me dress that way is a huge turn on. Chastity is something I hate but the idea of a woman forcing it upon me is a turn on.
I guess when I really break it down I don't have that many "true" fetishes. I know I was able to realize these characteristics about individual activities but I don't think I ever connected it as a whole.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
I was hoping to work on that drawing I talked about in my last post but...
it seems my inner motivation and libido have gone dormant for the time being.
Hopefully I'll finish it up soon.
Hopefully I'll finish it up soon.
Friday, April 1, 2011
A few minor ramblings
Sorry if this bleeds long... it's a week's worth of thoughts crammed into one post.
I know there are some other blog authors out there that feel this way, but I am curious as to what types of posts I have made (and will make in the future) that people who visit here like to read most. I have looked at my blog traffic stats and they don't really yield much insight into it... my July 2010 post on anal plugs (which I'm not even "into") still leads all other post views by a wide margin, at 5000 views ahead of my April 2010 Sardax tribute and 6500 views more than my May 2010 Inescapable Contract post. All other posts are 7000+ views behind that anal plugs post and the only recent one to make it into the top 5 was my Jan 2011 drawing inspired by MsMarie.
I have been debating re-posting a few of my older posts because I think they have value and merit but have been buried pretty far back. I think I didn't break 5 followers until I had 40+ posts, so many of those original 40 that had a target audience have been long-forgotten. When I first entered the blogging community I had a target audience (subs in the fledgling stages of introducing Femdom to their partners or those searching for Dommes) in mind but after spending countless hours typing comments on those blogs I realized quickly that the demographic had shunned me. It's like they listened to my comments since I had lifestyle experience but didn't want anything to do with the other things I wrote since I labeled myself a sissy.
The craziest thing that ended up happening in the long run was that it seems the majority of my readers that make comments are Dominants. That is something that fills me with a deep sense of pride as a sub.
If anyone has any ideas for re-posts on any of my earlier writings that they would like to discuss please let me know.
I have realized over time that while I am able to exert a great deal of control over my depression, my Mistress's moods and actions towards me affect my ability to keep it under control. When her behavior is erratic towards me, my depression starts to overwhelm me. When her behavior is good to me, I am fine. I'm not sure if I should feel weak because of this or if I should just accept that as okay. I was an orphan given up by my biological parents and that is the primary root of my abandonment issues and I've always needed to feel loved to keep my craziness from spiraling out of control. Femdom has seemingly been a godsend to me. In my past relationships and earlier in my current relationship when I felt depression start rearing up I would just ask my Mistress to kick the dominance up a notch. If her expectations of me got incredibly difficult to meet with failures swiftly punished and good performance acknowledged, my submission would calm the storm inside of me and any signs of depression would fade away.
I want to give a big Thank You to everyone that has shown me support during this down time of mine. I really hope to be back up to a state of solid emotional health soon. I miss reading blogs in depth and leaving comments on them. Lately I just haven't been able to keep my heart calm enough to keep that up very well. When I write a long comment I usually spend 40-150 minutes on it (sometimes having it span multiple sittings) and while there's many things I have wanted to say, the timing just hasn't worked out lately for anything but a few brief chirps here and there. If you are accustomed to having me comment on your blog, I will hopefully be back in full capacity soon.
Now that I have at least a few drawings under my belt that I would rank as "decent," does anyone have a favorite type of drawing that I have done so far? Sometimes when I'm just looking to practice it's hard to come up with ideas of things I really want to draw and I can do more with a certain style or idea if something floats your boat. I'm currently working on a Femdom dream scenario fantasy drawing that is my most ambitious project yet in that it will have at least 6 characters pictured in it. I know I'm taking a risk on time-wasting if it ends up turning out like crap but I'm willing to give it a go. Each "person" in a drawing takes me somewhere between 40 minutes and 4 hours. I tend to spend a lot more time drawing women than men as I'm more concerned that the women turn out looking good.
I'm still sort of trying to figure out what types of drawings garner a positive response. I was surprised no one commented on my Punishment Box drawing. So far I have only had one drawing that turned out exactly how I wanted it to, and it was a practice portrait.
It's been nice having people message me through my chat box, thank you everyone.
Lastly, does anyone have any thoughts on the stuff in my post before this one? Anything at all? Like... "that's sexy" or "man your taste sucks"? Although now that I think about it, those who have followed my blog for a long time probably just think it's predictably me. I'm such a simpleton in that regards. If I ever found myself single again it really wouldn't take much for a woman to exploit me pretty badly.
Mistress and I rarely go shopping together anymore for her clothes and I think that's one of the things I miss the most.
I know there are some other blog authors out there that feel this way, but I am curious as to what types of posts I have made (and will make in the future) that people who visit here like to read most. I have looked at my blog traffic stats and they don't really yield much insight into it... my July 2010 post on anal plugs (which I'm not even "into") still leads all other post views by a wide margin, at 5000 views ahead of my April 2010 Sardax tribute and 6500 views more than my May 2010 Inescapable Contract post. All other posts are 7000+ views behind that anal plugs post and the only recent one to make it into the top 5 was my Jan 2011 drawing inspired by MsMarie.
I have been debating re-posting a few of my older posts because I think they have value and merit but have been buried pretty far back. I think I didn't break 5 followers until I had 40+ posts, so many of those original 40 that had a target audience have been long-forgotten. When I first entered the blogging community I had a target audience (subs in the fledgling stages of introducing Femdom to their partners or those searching for Dommes) in mind but after spending countless hours typing comments on those blogs I realized quickly that the demographic had shunned me. It's like they listened to my comments since I had lifestyle experience but didn't want anything to do with the other things I wrote since I labeled myself a sissy.
The craziest thing that ended up happening in the long run was that it seems the majority of my readers that make comments are Dominants. That is something that fills me with a deep sense of pride as a sub.
If anyone has any ideas for re-posts on any of my earlier writings that they would like to discuss please let me know.
I have realized over time that while I am able to exert a great deal of control over my depression, my Mistress's moods and actions towards me affect my ability to keep it under control. When her behavior is erratic towards me, my depression starts to overwhelm me. When her behavior is good to me, I am fine. I'm not sure if I should feel weak because of this or if I should just accept that as okay. I was an orphan given up by my biological parents and that is the primary root of my abandonment issues and I've always needed to feel loved to keep my craziness from spiraling out of control. Femdom has seemingly been a godsend to me. In my past relationships and earlier in my current relationship when I felt depression start rearing up I would just ask my Mistress to kick the dominance up a notch. If her expectations of me got incredibly difficult to meet with failures swiftly punished and good performance acknowledged, my submission would calm the storm inside of me and any signs of depression would fade away.
I want to give a big Thank You to everyone that has shown me support during this down time of mine. I really hope to be back up to a state of solid emotional health soon. I miss reading blogs in depth and leaving comments on them. Lately I just haven't been able to keep my heart calm enough to keep that up very well. When I write a long comment I usually spend 40-150 minutes on it (sometimes having it span multiple sittings) and while there's many things I have wanted to say, the timing just hasn't worked out lately for anything but a few brief chirps here and there. If you are accustomed to having me comment on your blog, I will hopefully be back in full capacity soon.
Now that I have at least a few drawings under my belt that I would rank as "decent," does anyone have a favorite type of drawing that I have done so far? Sometimes when I'm just looking to practice it's hard to come up with ideas of things I really want to draw and I can do more with a certain style or idea if something floats your boat. I'm currently working on a Femdom dream scenario fantasy drawing that is my most ambitious project yet in that it will have at least 6 characters pictured in it. I know I'm taking a risk on time-wasting if it ends up turning out like crap but I'm willing to give it a go. Each "person" in a drawing takes me somewhere between 40 minutes and 4 hours. I tend to spend a lot more time drawing women than men as I'm more concerned that the women turn out looking good.
I'm still sort of trying to figure out what types of drawings garner a positive response. I was surprised no one commented on my Punishment Box drawing. So far I have only had one drawing that turned out exactly how I wanted it to, and it was a practice portrait.
It's been nice having people message me through my chat box, thank you everyone.
Lastly, does anyone have any thoughts on the stuff in my post before this one? Anything at all? Like... "that's sexy" or "man your taste sucks"? Although now that I think about it, those who have followed my blog for a long time probably just think it's predictably me. I'm such a simpleton in that regards. If I ever found myself single again it really wouldn't take much for a woman to exploit me pretty badly.
Mistress and I rarely go shopping together anymore for her clothes and I think that's one of the things I miss the most.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
2011/2012 M. Miller Collection
I've always been a huge fan of ski-wear from M. Miller. By random chance I was surfing the web last night and found they posted their winter 2011/2012 collection just recently. I know the ski boutiques have to have their orders placed in March to have them all filled by October or so (I found this out when trying to special order a coat for Mistress one year) and it strikes me as a little odd that the collections are done this early in the year when most clothing designers don't unveil their 2011/2012 winter collections until August/September. The pictures here are of the new items.
I think that's one reason why I consistently like so much of what M. Miller does... they don't just make up to the minute trends, they make attractive women's ski-wear that is also practical and pretty much in style at any time during the winter. Most of the Dommes I have served have ended up sharing my affinity for fur and also liked my taste in what I would help them pick out when shopping.
Being that I've gone shopping a lot with my girlfriends and Mistresses over the past decade I've come to the conclusion that Mark (The M. of M. Miller) is most likely heterosexual. I feel like I understand where he's coming from. Even though he's designing warm winter coats, he probably thinks women are sexy and really tries to accent the beauty of the female form. Add his flair for fur and it seems like it's a perfect match. What seems to separate his items from many of the upscale designers is that his lines and cuts almost always do the most to draw out a woman's curves with tapered waistlines that bring out that hourglass figure that many men (myself included) find attractive.
Most of these items are available in a ton of different colors for both the base material and fur. Each winter I like to get my Mistress at least one new coat as a gift and it's with items like these that make me regret going to work for a small business right out of college and not the corporate route. These coats tend to carry a price tag in the $500-1500 range, and while that's not too expensive in the greater scheme of fashion, they aren't something that I can afford to buy two or three of every year along with matching accessories.
While most of the women that I know also enjoy a lot of these, whenever I post any of these on the web I don't seem to get much for feedback from people of either gender so if anyone has any comments, they'd be much appreciated.
Here are some of my favorites from previous years:
I'm also particularly fond of their "on location" photo shoots.
I think that's one reason why I consistently like so much of what M. Miller does... they don't just make up to the minute trends, they make attractive women's ski-wear that is also practical and pretty much in style at any time during the winter. Most of the Dommes I have served have ended up sharing my affinity for fur and also liked my taste in what I would help them pick out when shopping.
Being that I've gone shopping a lot with my girlfriends and Mistresses over the past decade I've come to the conclusion that Mark (The M. of M. Miller) is most likely heterosexual. I feel like I understand where he's coming from. Even though he's designing warm winter coats, he probably thinks women are sexy and really tries to accent the beauty of the female form. Add his flair for fur and it seems like it's a perfect match. What seems to separate his items from many of the upscale designers is that his lines and cuts almost always do the most to draw out a woman's curves with tapered waistlines that bring out that hourglass figure that many men (myself included) find attractive.
Most of these items are available in a ton of different colors for both the base material and fur. Each winter I like to get my Mistress at least one new coat as a gift and it's with items like these that make me regret going to work for a small business right out of college and not the corporate route. These coats tend to carry a price tag in the $500-1500 range, and while that's not too expensive in the greater scheme of fashion, they aren't something that I can afford to buy two or three of every year along with matching accessories.
While most of the women that I know also enjoy a lot of these, whenever I post any of these on the web I don't seem to get much for feedback from people of either gender so if anyone has any comments, they'd be much appreciated.
If I were to buy any of these from this year's designs for Mistress it would probably be one of these three:
Here are some of my favorites from previous years:
I'm also particularly fond of their "on location" photo shoots.
The only real gripe I have with them is that these pictures are the largest resolution they have available on their website.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Not quite out of the woods
The last week and a half or so has involved a great deal of stress and coupled with my Mistress's BPD it has been a very trying time keeping me dipping back into depression. We had a good talk the other night and have agreed to "keep working on fixing things" but we've had many of those talks and I'm not quite sure anymore if it's just wishful thinking or if it's actually possible.
I hate feeling emotionally fragile in this way. I don't mind vulnerable... but feeling like you're repeatedly being "broken" (and not in a D/s sort of way) is really starting to wear me down.
I apologize to the other bloggers out there that I usually comment on their blogs. I just haven't felt up to it lately but I will try to get back to it soon.
I hate feeling emotionally fragile in this way. I don't mind vulnerable... but feeling like you're repeatedly being "broken" (and not in a D/s sort of way) is really starting to wear me down.
I apologize to the other bloggers out there that I usually comment on their blogs. I just haven't felt up to it lately but I will try to get back to it soon.
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