Sunday, May 2, 2010

Anticipating Needs or Waiting for Orders - the Judgment Call

As a sub, you may at some time find yourself confronted with situations regarding your actions, namely whether or not your actions should anticipate your Domme's needs or if you should wait to act until instructed to do so.

If your Domme fits a certain personality type you may find this judgment call doesn't happen often, if at all. 

In these scenarios it's a bit easier.  If she enjoys a lot of control and micro-management of your life, you will rarely face a judgment call or action that must respond quickly to given circumstances without instruction.  If she is enjoys a more passive and laid back style, you will probably grow accustomed to acting in anticipation of her needs, e.g. having her slippers and favorite beverage ready as soon as she walks in the door.

Things get a bit more difficult if your Domme tends to drift between these depending upon her mood. 

This is definitely something to watch out for and may take a long time to grow accustomed to.  Knowing on which days yes means no and no means yes, on which days she will expect total autonomy forcing you to act in anticipation of her needs, and which days she will exert strict authority and scorn any independent actions can be a tricky situation to overcome. 

Knowing what to expect from D/s life isn't always easy and the better you can read your Domme in order to perform accordingly the better.


  1. Well now. One of the many joys of being a Dom comes from the ability to keep one's sub totally off balance. If a sub becomes too good at anticipating his Dom's needs, and becomes quite adept at performing un-ordered services, that is not necessarily a good thing. Ultimately, it tends to annoy me, as it implies that I am predictable.

    So, although there are certain rituals that are expected of my sub, I prefer to order him about as much as possible. I'd rather see him "snap to" to a command than have him think he can predict what I might desire.

    That being said, there are times when I play with him by challenging him to do what I would have ordered. For instance, if I tell him "I will take a bath now. Prepare it," he knows to fill the tub to a certain level, with the water at a certain temperature, with bath oils that I prefer, with a tray next to the tub, a glass of wine of his choosing on the tray, with the lighting correctly adjusted, and that when it's all ready, to come to where I'm sitting, get down on his knees and announce, "Your bath is ready, Milady." He is naked when he does this, of course. Then he crawls behind me to the bathroom doorway where I cuff his hands behind him, secure the cuffs to his balls with a thin chain (locked), probably place nipple clamps on him, slip a blindfold over his eyes, and shut the door to the bathroom. He'll stay in that position until I finish my bath, and all he can do is remain in place and listen to the sounds I make when bathing, or the turning of the pages of a book I'm reading, or the movement of my glass of wine as I sip it and put it down, etc.

    So the only order I actually had to give was "Prepare it", yet the ritualization of the process was well ingrained in my sub. To me, that's the best of both worlds. Don't anticipate my desire for a bath, but when I order one, know what to do. He has the independence to prepare the bath scene properly without further orders, knowing that he'll be punished if I'm not satisfied with the ritual, and the dependence of having to wait for my initial order as well as his eventual release from his position of bondage. Yes, I usually manage to find something that displeases me, be it the water temperature, the amount of bath oils, the choice of wine, etc. That disturbs the "balance" of the ritual and keeps the sub in a position of always wondering if I am pleased.

    As I said, the best of both worlds.

  2. Lady Grey,

    Thank you again for the comments. The scenario you have painted is indeed a lovely one and I agree with keeping subs off balance. If there's anything I have learned about myself over the years it's that a sub should never feel too competent or confident with their service as any amount of ego/arrogance will usually lead to a decrease in effort or a lack of desire to improve.

    I wrote about this as it is something I have struggled with over the years, desiring to dance that fine line between fear of failure and desire to serve perfectly. That off balance state tends to bring out the best in me.

    Unfortunately some of my experiences have gone a bit too far in this regards.

    e.g. being told specifically not to do something and then getting blasted if I do it anyways or if I don't do it at all. Or failing to do something that has never been expected of me before and taking a lot of heat after-wards.

    It's these situations that seem to be a bit hurtful to me. Rather than increasing my submission they tend to just ravage my self-esteem and at times I find myself freezing like a deer in headlights, unsure of what to do and feeling like anything I choose will be wrong.

    I guess there's a separation between these types of situations that are laid out by dominance vs. when they occur out of being in a bad mood.

    Thanks again for writing.